The original House On Haunted Hill (1959) Movie Review

“Vincent Price was the kind of actor who could make a golf game seem foreboding.” Merlyn Trey Hunter

Conclusion

A 1959 black and white horror film that is still more scary than any politically correct, demographically represented teenie bopper Paris Hilton-starring Hollywood remakes of latter years. Honestly, the House of Wax teen movie remake should rather be called House of P.C. Cheap Plastic.

The pace of the film is odd. Other than that, it is a good film.

Plot

• Fredrick Loren (Vincent Price) is a sinister playboy who hosts an amusing party shindig at his haunted mansion.


• Each guest gets a tiny coffin with a loaded handgun in it and as much single malt scotch as they can carry. The survivors get $10 000. No, I did not put my pinkie in my mouth when I typed that.


• Of course, it's not as smooth as surviving the night in a haunted mansion with a bunch of AA (armed alcoholics) members and an imposing acid bath in the fine wine cellar. Fredrick's wife, Annabelle (Carol Ohmart, who looks very fetching in this movie) and her lover, Lance (Richard Long) steer clear of the single malt whiskey, indicating that they intend to keep their shooting straight. The plot thickens.


• Fortunately, there are no such things as ghosts. Or are there? What goes bump in the night? Is it just Britney Spears spending one night in Paris Hilton, filming the ordeal to put her career back on track?
  
  We are talking about the girl who snogged Madonna. It's not a case of don't put that in your mouth, you don't know where it's been. It's more a case of don't put that in your mouth, you know EXACTLY where it's been!
  
  And Paris is the opposite of a Hilton Hotel. You know there are reservations at a Hilton Hotel.


• Rest assured. The plot of House on Haunted Hill is sinister, but not that sinister.

The Paris Hilton Autopsy, by artist Daniel Edwards. Read more about this work of social commentary at Art Fag City or at the Capla Kesting Fine Art Gallery site.

"There's something about disemboweling a homunculus of Hilton that screams 'fine art'." - Wired Magazine

"A bizarre art campaign to warn against the dangers of drunk driving." - The New Zealand Herald

Review

• House on Haunted Hill starts off with screaming multiple orgasms. OK, so perhaps it's an agonising scream. I'm a guy, I can't tell the difference, but the scream seems like a good start. Then there are a couple of floating heads introducing the film. You just know you are in good company.


• After that, the film gets a bit boring. It takes a while before the tension builds, but there are a few frightening moments that they somehow manage to concoct with one of the most fake ghosts caught on video.


• One of the great Vincent Price movies, House of Haunted Hill is directed and produced by William Castle. Castle had the habit of marketing his films with spy gadgets. For this film, some cinemas were fitted with an elaborate pulley system which dragged a skeleton across the ceiling at opportune times.


• Vincent Price sports a stylish handlebar moustache in this film. That's almost as cool as a popped collar. That's not the same kind of cool as a Nile album. It's also not quite as cool as Shock.


• The famous architect Frank Lloyd Wright designed the house on haunted hill. This estate, known as the Ennis House, is built in the Mayan revival style. Wright believed in organic architecture. This means he believed a new building should blend in with its environment instead of visually fighting with its surroundings. He did not grow houses using hydroponic farming techniques. The Ennis House is an impressive erection. Almost as impressive as my monster cock.


• This film is in public domain, which means you can watch House on Haunted Hill or download it for free from the Internet archive.


• How do you feel about the recent Vincent Price remake craze? I am legend, House of Wax, House on Haunted Hill... I still prefer the original Vincent Price films. Watching remakes is about as much fun as reading tips for a flat stomach or going through detoxification. Speak your mind - leave me a comment!

Director
William Castle

Cast

• Elisha Cook Jr


• Alan Marshal


• Julie Mitchum


• Carol Ohmart


• Vincent Price

Rating

Darker Days Ahead by Terrorizer (2006) Review

Conclusion
Pete Sandoval on drums and the Mexecutioner, Jesse Pintado, on guitar for the last album he recorded before he sadly passed away due to a liver that couldn't keep up with the party. It is the only grindcore album I own, and my knowledge of the genre is limited to singing along to a few Anal Blast songs, so take my review with a pinch of salt and a shot of tequila. But I like it.

After recently reading up on clostridium botulinum, I decided this little fellow is so awesome that I had to dedicate most of my new layout to the bacterium. You may know c.botulinum as food poisoning or Botox, but I know it as the cause of botulism. Probably the most toxic substance known, a 2 kg bag of c.botulinum has enough potential to destroy mankind. Cthulhu would however make for a more cinematic apocalypse.


That's what could be lurking in your baked beans. Image taken from marlerblog.com.

According to the Centre for Disease Control and Prevention, some of the favourite party tricks of c.botulinum include:

• double vision


• drooping eyelids


• slurred speech


• dry mouth


• difficult swallowing


• muscle weakness, and eventually muscular paralysis

Quite a little terrorizer.

Review

• All of the music is written by Pete Sandoval (Morbid Angel) and Jesse Pintado. Expect killer riffs and lots of brutality, although I found for the most part this album is less taxing than most grindcore out there. Read: sick, but slightly more melodic. If you are a grindcore purist, this might not be a good thing. I mean all the tracks are longer than a minute.


• Pete Sandoval's drumming may cause double vision.


• Anthony Rezhawk does a rasp of Cerberus similar to Steve Tucker's very own bark. Could just be my recent overdose of Morbid Angel, but this is the kind of growling I like. He also wrote all the lyrics. In proud grindcore tradition, a couple of verses are offered, after which the song title is repeated a few times. This is not rocket science, but it is good for shaking your fist. I said Cerberus, not cerebral.


• Ghost Train is a kind of piano and skull-fucking double bass pedal drumming interlude. The kind that would make Jaws float upside down. This track could cause drooping eyelids. Even for sharks.


• Apocalyptic visions delivered in slurred speech, with a slight tequila and mescaline nasal drip. Ah, tequila. Just the thing for a dry mouth.


• The fact that all the tracks are longer than a minute makes for difficult swallowing. Similar to health drugs. But that's only if you are a grindcore purist. Sandoval plays in one of the founding bands of technical death, so a little meandering is expected with the brutality. Rest assured - there's enough complexity to merit an average of 3,5 minutes per track.


• Muscle weakness? No, there's not much of that here. This is a review for Terrorizer, not c.botulinum. But if you've ever had one of those 24 hour fill-station shop pies, I'm sure you could write a good review of c.botulinum, or at least salmonella enteritidis.

Track listing

1. Inevitable


2. Darker Days Ahead


3. Crematorium


4. Fallout


5. Doomed Forever


6. Mayhem


7. Blind Army


8. Nightmare


9. Legacy of Brutality


10. Dead Shall Rise V.06


11. Victim of Greed


12. Ghost Train

Personell

• Tony Norman: bass; vocals.


• Jesse Pintado: guitar.


• Anthony Rezhawk: vocals.


• Pete Sandoval: drums.

Rating

Cherish Your Life: Saw (2004) Review

Conclusion
A grizzly tale, but not a gory one in the horror-porn torture porn gorno tradition of Hostel. Saw is strictly driven by suspense and intricate plot. Highly entertaining and with more twists in the plot than in a koeksister. A beacon of original light shining through the darkness of politically correct angsty teen creature features.




One of Tannie Marie's koeksisters. Tannie Marie ships koeksisters all over America, bringing a touch of Boere culture to the new world.

Plot
Two men find themselves in a locked bathroom, while on videotape. No, it's not George Michael and a member of the Village People. It is Dr Lawrence Gordon (Cary Elwes) and photographer Adam Faulkner (Leigh Whannell). They find a corpse between them, which holds a tape recorder and a gun. Talk about a silver lining. They each find a cassette in their pockets, with their names on it. The cassettes instruct Dr Gordon to kill Adam within a given time frame.

Of course doctors usually save lives, with the notable exception of the South African minister of health, Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang, who rather saves witch doctors and their superstitions. Dr Gordon is persuaded to join the dark side of Dr Tshabalala-Msimang and Dr Hannibal Lecter when he finds out that his family is kept hostage by an evil man.

Review

• For some reason, Saw is grouped with Hostel and Devil's Rejects in the torture porn or gorno (gore + porno) genre. This genre is described as being devoid of suitable metaphor for its explicit scenes of nudity and violence. Personally, I found Saw to have many suitable metaphors and the version I have on DVD is bloody but not gory. Not that I mind blood and guts for the sake of blood and guts, but just to prove the point, Saw features no nudity that I can recall.


• Since it is claimed that the Jigsaw Killer never actually kills anyone himself, the film is highly original. The exception is photographer Adam Faulkner, but I won't give away anything.


• Saw has an excellent plot. I pride myself in identifying the killers in this sort of film early on. Of course, I was right, but only half right. I love being outsmarted.


• The Jigsaw Killer, so named because he leaves the imprint of a jigsaw puzzle piece on his victims, is hailed as the new Freddy Krueger. This antagonist of the Saw series is a person with a terminal illness who wishes to teach his victims the value of their lives by placing them in virtually inescapable situations. They could learn the same valuable lesson by waiting in line at customs instead. The irony here is the victims have a choice between their lives or the lives of others, whereas the Jigsaw Killer has no choice.


• This film attempts to answer the question of what one would do when one is faced with the options of acting civil for the greater good, or acting in your own best interest at the peril of strangers in a life or death situation. For this reason, the Wikipedia article on the Jigsaw Killer identifies certain Darwinian, Nietzschean and Deleuzian traits in the methods of the Jigsaw Killer.


• In contrast with other excellent serial killer films like Manhunter, the focus here is on the psychological ordeal of the victims instead of on the complications of the personality of the killer. This is not a case of finding a new mask and a new weapon for a generic mass murderer and ticking his victims off one by one. The character of the Jigsaw Killer is carefully crafted, but the viewer is not forced to be a fanboy with trading cards. Excellent film!

Director
James Wan

Cast

• Cary Elwes


• Michael Emerson


• Danny Glover


• Monica Potter


• Leigh Whannell

Rating

The Apostasy (2007) by Behemoth Review

Conclusion

Want to know the definition of apostasy? Read on.

The usual blackened death or deathened black sound of Behemoth executed with some interesting production ideas. A band that keeps pushing themselves, this is their strongest release yet. Inferno spent quality time with the drum kit. Classical Polish pianist Leszek Możdżer and Nevermore singer Warrel Dane guest star. Brutal.

Review

apostasy
Main Entry: apos-ta-sy
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural apos-ta-sies
Etymology: Middle English apostasie, from Late Latin apostasia, from Greek, literally, revolt, from apistasthai to revolt, from apo- + histasthai to stand.
Date: 14th century

1. renunciation of a religious faith


2. abandonment of a previous loyalty

From the Merriam-Webster definition of apostasy.

ennui
Main Entry: en-nui
Pronunciation: \än-'wē\
Function: noun
Etymology: French, from the Old French enui annoyance, from enuier to vex, from Late Latin inodiare to make loathsome.
Date: 1732

1. a feeling of weariness and dissatisfaction


2. the feeling I get when I see people giving definitions when they are hardly necessary

From the Merriam-Webster definition of ennui. Sort of.

brutal
Main Entry: bru-tal
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French or Medieval Latin; Middle French, from Medieval Latin brutalis, from Latin brutus.
Date: 15th century

1. archaic: typical of beasts


2. befitting a brute: as a: grossly ruthless or unfeeling (a brutal slander) b: cruel, cold-blooded (a brutal attack)


3. heavy metal

From the Merriam-Webster definition of brutal. Sort of.

video
Main Entry: vid-eo
Function: noun
Etymology: Latin vidëre to see + -o (as in audio).
Date: 1937

1. the visual portion of television


2. videotape: as a: a recording of a motion picture or television program for playing through a television set b: a videotaped performance of a song often featuring an interpretation of the lyrics through visual images


3. a recording similar to a videotape but stored in digital form (as on an optical disk or a computer's hard drive)


4. just watch the video and know that the Apostasy is brutal

From the Merriam-Webster definition of video. Sort of.


Some guy made this video for At The Left Hand Ov God, a single of sorts from the album. It has gargoyles and other grotesque statues in it. No, I'm not going to post the definition of a gargoyle too. Look it up you buffoon! For more words to look up, try my Shakespearian insult monger, but if you need definitions like these all the time you might want to find out who Shakespeare was first.

Track listing

1. Rome 64 C.E.


2. Slaying the Prophets ov Isa


3. Prometherion


4. At the Left Hand ov God


5. Kriegsphilosophie


6. Be Without Fear


7. Arcana Hereticae


8. Libertheme


9. Inner Sanctum


10. Pazuzu


11. Christgrinding Avenue

Personell

Adam “Nergal” Darski: lead vocals; electric and acoustic guitars.
Tomasz “Orion” Wróblewski: bass guitar; backing vocals. Also try Vesania.
Zbigniew Robert “Inferno” Promiński: drums; percussion.
Patryk “Seth” Sztyber: guitars; backing vocals.
Leszek Możdżer: piano.
Warrel Dane: guest vocals.
Graal: shitload of photoshop filters for the cover and the booklet.

Rating

Related Links

• Behemoth on Myspace.


• My Vesania review.


• The official Behemoth website.

Dagon (2001) Review

Conclusion
A noble effort by Miskatonic University graduates. It features buckets of blood and everybody's favourite Cephalopoda: Cthulhu! The Great Old One even gets a sacrifice or two.

This film is clearly low budget, but whether that is a weakness or a strength depends on your perception. I feel necessity breeds invention. And sometimes a race of Merpeople.

Plot
Barbara and Paul are enjoying a cruise when their ship suddenly becomes shipwrecked. That's what you get for letting an IT professional navigate without google earth. They seek help in a nearby Spanish harbour. At first, the inhabitants seem friendly, but the tide soon turns.

The inhabitants are a tad more than eccentric. In fact, they are just plain creepy:

• they have no electricity. No, this is not a South African port, but a fictional Spanish town called Imboca


• there is a strange symbol everywhere


• there are virtually no opposable thumbs in Imboca


• no really, I am not kidding. There are virtually no opposable thumbs in Imboca

It turns out that Barbara was kidnapped instead of being helped. To what end? Well, that's where Cthulhu comes in.

Inhabitants of Imboca faithfully answer to the call of Cthulhu. If you aren't chanting "Ia! Ia! Cthulhu ftaghn!" by now, you might not enjoy this movie.

Review

• Dagon is loosely based on the works of H.P. Lovecraft. In particular, the tales Dagon and The Shadow Over Innsmouth were used: Dagon for the name, and the latter for the plot. The infamous author is long since "dead but dreaming", which means you can find the complete works of H.P. Lovecraft for download, free.


• There is some CGI, but it is not intrusive. More importantly, it is not tacky. You won't find actors playing imaginary dodge ball in front of a blue screen. It must be one of the few recorded incidents of tastefully used CGI.


• There are several latex heads. Even latex hands. Expect even anatomically non-descript latex, but as far as I could tell there were no severed latex heads.


• Expect even some fine breast implants on display.


• A man features as the protagonist and a woman as an antagonist, or half a woman as an antagonist. Nevertheless, for the most part, Dagon abides by the 10 Commandments of Horror.


• Produced by Brian Yuzna, who also directed Faust: Love Of the Damned. He is one of my favourite producers, because if you see his name on a credit roll, it means buckets of blood. Dagon is no exception. Let's just say your skin will crawl.


• Dagon is Spanish actor Francisco Rabal's last film. The dynamic between him and Ezra Godden is great to watch, especially in the dialogue right before Rabal's character gets... no wait, that would be telling. Watch it!


• It could always do with more ooze.


• It could always do with more fine breast implants.

Dagon also teaches us morality. It suggests a perplexing philosophy, sometimes difficult to grasp, but for the layman it could be summarised in a few words:

What Would Cthulhu Do?

Director
Stuart Gordon

Cast
Ezra Godden
Macarena Gómez
Raquel Meroño
Jorge Luis Pérez
Francisco Rabal

Rating

The 10 Commandments of Horror

What makes a good horror film?

A difficult question. Many a man has lain awoke at night, pondering such a question. Many a woman has burnt her bush in agony. Many a man has lain awoke at night, after being burnt by the bush of a woman in agony over such a question. Some women too, but those aren't the kind of films under scrutiny here. Thankfully, He who walks behind the rows has given us His commandments. Stick to these, up and coming producers of gore filled horror, and thou coffers shalt be full, and thine jacuzzi frequented by buxom beauties.


10. Thou shalt have buckets of blood

And why not? It is a horror film. Most people find bleeding horrific. Horror films should not only exploit that feeling, but also reinforce the idea that bleeding is horrific. People should think before they make other people bleed and before they make themselves bleed. It is similar to cathedrals showing images of hell on the interior. If horror films had enough buckets of blood, no amount of listening to Marilyn Manson at an impressionable age could bring one to cut your own thighs while feeling sorry for yourself. Save the emo, put buckets of blood in your horror films. Buckets of blood work particularly well when combined with inexplicable boob shots.


9. Thou shalt have inexplicable boob shots

Exhibit A (or more like exhibit 32C): Kelly Brook from Ripper, a letter from hell.


I think we're all agreed on this one.


8. Thou shalt have as thine antagonist a male, middle-aged and unsettling

The original (and only) Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) is the benchmark for all slasher flicks. While the speckled teenage hitch-hiker is unsettling, he is not nearly as unsettling as the middle-aged chainsaw wielding unsettling Leatherface. Observe how effectively that film combines not one, but a few female protagonists. They did not break the fifth commandment, which made their eighth commandment much more sensible. Halloween and Nightmare on Elm Street continue with this tradition.

There are some very successful horrors that incorporate children as antagonists. The Omen (1976) series comes to mind. This is because children are evil and we should destroy their souls. Do your bit to prevent a real-life The Omen today: tell a kid Santa is short for Satan, he's just trying to trick them.


7. Thou shalt have fake latex heads

Yes, computer generated imagery (CGI) does have its place. For morphing, for making people leap from tall buildings, for adding explosions, for underwater or outer space scenes. Even for the occasional beast, to give it a radio active glow, or to enhance the buckets of blood. However, nothing can replace real fake latex heads. Imagine Lady Frankenstein without the real fake latex heads. I couldn't. If you could, you should go study 3D animation. Come to think of it, latex tentacles are a great idea too. There's a small yet dedicated niche market for live action hentai out there, and I want to see those people pleased. Not see them being pleased in the physical sense, but pleased in the metaphorical sense.. but those aren't the kind of films under scrutiny here.


6. Thou shalt have ooze

Thanks to the invention of K-Y Jelly, no latex monster needs to be without ooze ever again. People who are afraid of snakes, incorrectly describe them as being slimy. Being slimy is one of those properties that still reverberates within our subconscious minds with something distasteful and unsavoury. We associate slimy not only with cafe Greeks, but also with disgusting creepy things that want to get into your pants. Come to think of it... oh never mind. The point is ooze makes latex more horrific. Slime must remind us subconsciously of Vincent Price's Brylcreem hair. Blood, sweat, tears and K-Y Jelly. It makes all the horror fit.

What is the fifth commandment? Why are there only five commandments, when the topic clearly states there are ten? Rest assured, for those who write commandments work but one day per week. The rest of thine commandments are hither - sooner than you could find a talking donkey. I post with much haste!

Vital Remains : Icons of Evil (2007) review

Shop for Vital Remains at Amazon.com!

Personell
Glen Benton, Tony Lazaro, Dave Suzuki.

Track listing

1. Where is Your God Now


2. Icons of Evil


3. Scorned


4. Born to Rape the World


5. Reborn... the Upheaval of Nihility


6. Hammer Down the Nails


7. Shrapnel Embedded Flesh


8. Til Death


9. In Infamy


10. Disciples of Hell" (Yngwie Malmsteen Cover)

Review
Certain infidels who were unimpressed by latter Deicide efforts maintain Glen Benton should stick with Dave Suzuki in Vital Remains instead of continuing with his own band. That, or he should have fulfilled his self-destructive prophesy and committed Glenoncide at age 33. While Glen seems like a jovial fellow, crucifix burnt on his forehead and drunken delinquencies besides (or maybe because), the guy is not the sharpest splinter on a vampire stake. However, with the last Deicide effort, the shunned Son of Satan himself rose considerably in my estimation. This Vital Remains album further redeems Benton.

The previous Vital Remains album, Dechristianize, started with a Carmina Burana sample. As much as I admire Orff's work, the smell of Old Spice is not one I'd like to associate with a heavy metal record. Nay, I prefer the stench of redemption, or better yet the stench of fire and brimstone. It seems that Suzuki shares my passion for perdition. Icons of Evil kicks off with a sample from The Passion of the Christ. The movie was not as Good as the Book, but the sample is a marked improvement over the Orff cliche.

Suzuki is a matchless guitarist and a matchless drummer. If you liked Dechristianize, you would like Icons of Evil. Seemingly effortless sweep arpeggios, tumultuous drums and sinister writing orchestrated together with Glen Benton's vocals resembling a lawnmower running over rabid ferrets. I've had this album for about 2 months, and I'm still not tired of it. My neighbours are a different story though...

My copy has a slipcase with an anguished face and the title in handsome red crimson writing. Once inside the slipcase, a rather disturbing image of the king of kings being nailed to the cross meets me. Seriously man, petty blasphemies are one thing, but why Elvis? You just don't go there. The horror doesn't end there.

Inside the booklet, we find the band posing in front of unsavoury banners. In the middle, there is a centrefold. Before you get all excited at the prospect of seeing Glen in lederhosen, let me explain. It is a painting of the three guys in the band and Eddie from Iron Maiden on horseback. The four horsemen are gripping chains. These chains are tied to a body at their centre, the body being that of Elvis. Their horses are ripping the body of Elvis apart. Now that is too much metal for one hand.

Here is a little taste of the track Born to Rape the World live, with Brian Hobbie on vocals. He looks rather jehovial himself:


Conclusion
Suzuki furthers the ambitions of his brilliant project with this worthy release. Technical death metal in the tradition of Tampa still owns all. Ultimately, technical finesse and brute force tactics combine in a smorgasbord of fire, brimstone and the passion of the Elvis. The Malmsteen cover is a brutal kick in the nads, but in a nice way. Ruthless like a rabid ferret!

Rating

Come on, Hollywood! Remake these films already! Part 2

This is the second part of my list of films I want Hollywood to give a face-lift.
You can find the first part here.

• Spiderman 3


• The Sisterhood (2004)


• Scanners


• Driller Killer


• Spawn

Spiderman 3
Venom makes his entrance into Sam Raimi's Spiderman series. Exciting, since the first two films of his series delivered the goods. The casting for the first few was right on the money, so the appearance of Venom would be awesome! Or not. I know girls who fell asleep during this chick flick. Girls who love seeing beefcakes in spandex. Sam Raimi of all people should know better. Was he trying to impress us with an Evil Dead 3 brand of surreal humour again? If so, I don't get it this time. Just go back and read the Venom comics. In fact, just read the series of six comics I have gathering dust here which feature the origins of Venom, then try again.

The Sisterhood (2004)
A bevy of busty teenage sorority girls are being seduced by an even more buxom beauty who is actually a vampire. How exactly can you fuck this up? The blaring techno soundtrack, for starters. Just because a film has a limited budget, does not mean it has to be cheap. Besides, the filming and editing were quite flashy. That does not look cheap. Why did they give the actors such tacky makeup and clothes? Why do they speak of days before the full moon when the full moon is clearly visible in the background? Even the script is quite solid, the film was just poorly assembled from it. Back to the drawing board guys. Watch Vampyros Lesbos, learn Theatres des Vampires lyrics off by heart, hire Lerue Delashay to compose a proper soundtrack and at least you can sleep easy knowing you tried to do the script justice. A few buckets of blood couldn't hurt either.

Scanners
This is treading on hallowed ground. The other Cronenberg titles in my collection are centrepieces and I heartily recommend them, except for Crash which is too close to a respectable art film for my liking. This is the legendary one with the amazing exploding head scene. Basically I would love to see the technology references updated, provided they keep the exploding head scene latex and not CGI! Fuck PETA, you need cow and/or pig blood for that scene. Buckets of blood!

Driller Killer
It looks like I am getting my wish, since IMDb mentions a 2008 release for a Driller Killer.
Abel Ferrara is one of my favourite directors, thanks to The Funeral and possibly my favourite film of all time, The Addiction. This being his first film, it is not his best work though. A novel idea for the plot, but it drags on and on and doesn't really go anywhere. You want senseless, gratuitous violence? You can see it on the South African news. Or in Driller Killer. The loathsome punk band featured does not help to justify the film any either. To me, horror has to provide a means of escapism to be entertaining. Some supernatural elements are required. The original film provides no escapism, no supernatural elements and subsequently no entertainment. It does however have buckets of blood!

Spawn
Spawn takes the number one position on my list of films that need a remake. Mark Dippé directed this steaming pile of crap. It comes as no surprise that he also directed Gigi aka the worst film of all time and managed to somehow help render the life of Alexander the Great into a celluloid snoozefest. Rumour has it his son was 8 years old when Dippé was assigned the Spawn project. He asked his son if he knew this Spawn character, because he had no idea who it was (something which becomes more apparent when one watches his film). His son was very excited that his dad was the director of the film of one of the coolest comics of all time, but probably not so much when he got beaten up at school for the same reason. Thanks, mister Dippé. You managed to take the Faust of our times, and turn it into a Looney Tunes cartoon. John Leguizamo should be commended for at least delivering a great performance in an otherwise dismal waste of celluloid. Thanks for the inspiring work ethic, John. Thanks for helping me catch up with REM sleep, mister Dippé.

Come on, Hollywood! Remake these films already! Part 1

Inspired by a recent Bloody Disgusting feature, I decided to make a list of films I want to see remade. Granted, there are few things more idiotic than remaking classic Horror films. Recent drivel such as the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Wicker Man and The Omen remakes continue to shame their predecessors and serve as a case in point, but that is another blog entry waiting to happen. I decided to take off my usual De Bono's black hat and tried to be positive about remakes. Positively speaking, one can't help but think the remake recipe could be useful for a few films. Here is the first part of my list:

• God Told Me To


• The Brain That Wouldn't Die


• Shock


• The Last Man On Earth


• Friday the 13th

God Told Me To
This film has a few brilliant ideas and they are executed pretty well throughout, it is just dated. There have been rumours about a brand spanking new Larry Cohen remake doing the rounds, but nothing has come to fruition yet. The 1976 film does have a certain charm, even with the dated effects and outlandish fashions by today's standards. I do not fault the film much, as I enjoy the unorthodox editing and unorthodox shots it features. It would just be interesting to see what Larry Cohen makes of the ideas in his film 30+ years later in a more modern setting. Realise that this was made before the Nike cult got beemed up in a mass ritual suicide, before the mass ritual suicide of Jonestown and long before the FBI decided to do a little evangelising of its own brand among the Branch Davidians in Waco, Texas. The hindsight of these events could lend the story more weight and maybe make the plot a little more interesting.

The Brain That Wouldn't Die
Another film that is basically flawless considering the time it was first released. The uncensored version is the one I have, and it is gripping despite being filmed in black and white. The black and white component is where the remake idea comes into play. People are far more receptive to full colour, surround sound and CGI lately. I am not a big fan of CGI and I adore vintage black and white, but again the hindsight of modern technology could enhance the progressive ideas in this film today. This film - released in 1963 - still speculates about organ transplants. Since the first heart was only successfully transplanted in 1967 for the first time (and no brains yet, although I am convinced there are brains that could be removed without the hosts even noticing), the setting of a more modern laboratory could be more eerie than the cabin in the woods employed in this film. Hollywood is going to struggle to beat the stellar performance of Virginia Leith as a decapitated head, but that is the only major obstacle in remaking this classic.

Shock
Another black and white film. More recently, Jennifer "she of Gigi, second only to Catwoman as the worst film of all time" Lopez starred in a film with a few parallels (The Cell) and despite J-Lo's involvement, that film is pretty good. Shock on the other hand has more of a classic horror feel than a groundbreaking effects phantasmagoria, but it boasts a similar clever plot. A psychiatrist treats a young woman who is in a catatonic state after witnessing a terrible event - a murder. When she recovers from this state, she recognises the psychiatrist as the culprit, and the rest of the film is based on the good doctor trying to conceal is guilt by keeping her docile. Not a great film to begin with, but it deserves cult status because it stars the original king of horror, Vincent Price. I can imagine Christian Bale doing a decent job in his role.

The Last Man On Earth
Last black and white film too. Noted for the performance of Vincent Price, this film stars the man as the last man on earth. No prizes for guessing that one. The twist is he is the last normal man on earth. The rest of humanity has been turned into brain dead zombies who lurk around at night looking for fresh brains. It could be argued that Danny Boyle did recently remake The Last Man On Earth with his 28 Days Later. He did a fine job too, making a gripping horror with loads of suspense and buckets of blood, so I will settle for 28 Days Later. However, I would still like to see a remake of this film in full colour, surround sound and with more blood. Buckets more!

Friday the 13th
In my quest for building a prime collection of horror, I have gathered quite a few gems. I left the Friday the 13th series to fairly late, even though I think Jason Voorhees is a great boogieman. The point is, I do know what makes a good film. I also know what makes a bad film, and I love bad films more than good films even though I know better. For a guy who likes bad films to say that Friday the 13th is so bad I do not want to collect the rest of the series without renting them first, is a grave insult. The problem is not in the performance of the actors, or even in the editing and filming department. My big gripe with this film is that it is about as scary as a campfire horror tale, and the plot appears to be the result of a late night camping brainstorm by director Sean Cunningham and writer Victor Miller. Fortunately, there is a remake in the works. Unfortunately, Marcus Nispel who misdirected a Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake is behind the whole thing. At least this time, it is possible to beat the original. I hope mister Nispel redeems himself!

You can get the second part of my wish list of Hollywood remakes here.

Two Alice Cooper DVDs

I recently got these 2 DVDs of live performances by Alice Cooper. Typically, I am drawn to the older Alice Cooper with a stable kick-ass band lineup that diluted due to megalomania - something necessary to both the survival of a band and its downfall - and the tolls of the rock and roll lifestyle. This lineup captured a performance on film, but that's not one of the ones I got hold of, unfortunately. The first solo tour of singer Alice Cooper after the band Alice Cooper became defunct is offered on the first DVD, while the second DVD offers an Alice Cooper from the eighties when his antics proved a hit with the ümlaut heävy crowd.

Welcome To My Nightmare
Alice Cooper started in the sixties as one of the first ghoulish leather-clad shock rock mayhem makers, and not as a stunt double for The Crow as rumours may have you believe. Welcome To My Nightmare hosts one of the most compelling and influential performers of all time battling his way through props comprising gigantic spiders, skeletons, concerned parents and most ruthless of all - journalists.



It would not be a self-respecting seventies show if there were no bass or drum solos. These are thrown in for good measure, plus the bassist has a Brakpan snor and does some porno grooves which stretch the spandex of all the dancers just a tad. As an added bonus, there are many pärking lot scenes with audience members all claiming the genius of Alice Cooper in foreign accents and mock-Cooper face paint.

The Nightmare Returns
The eighties. A decade of decadence. Following the precedent set by Led Zeppelin, bands like Mötley Crüe went hellbent for leather and tried very hard to destroy themselves. Alice Cooper on the other hand rediscovered Jesus and sobriety and subsequently some of his short term memory. Like where he put his old spandex.

The Nightmare Returns features a much more confident Alice Cooper with a pseudo-virtuoso band and less intervals between the songs. The audience would tolerate none of that anyway. This time the enemy comprises of boa constrictors, plastic dolls and nefarious makeup, but worst of all - he confronts it with ten years more worth of sagging skin in what appears to be the same spandex. Except it grew an exoskeleton.

Wait at least two hours after a heavy meal before watching.

Children of the Corn (DVD)

Popular author Stephen King planted the seed for this meandering franchise with a short story which left much to the imagination. Perhaps not enough for the nearly ten films his short story spawned to take root, but that did not prevent Hollywood from sowing on barren soil. Feast your senses on a juvenile power struggle, matricide, patricide, the most effeminate role Linda Hamilton ever played and some miserably dated special effects. (I am not too sure about pesticide, I think that was neglected as a cunning plot device. Actually, fooling you into thinking there is a plot is a cunning plot device).

Children of the Corn offers either the least plausible explanation for crop circles, or the most plausible reason for reinstating corporal punishment in schools. Indeed, 'he who walks behind the rows' does inspire terror, but none more so than the scene where Linda Hamilton sings. Yelp!

Truly a Cult Horror classic that will never go out of season. You will never look at your popcorn in quite the same way. This one will grow on you!