Curse of the Devil (1973) Review

Conclusion

A legendary film with a cult following, also known as El Retorno de Walpurgis or 'the Return of the Walpurgis'. You can't really go wrong when your blood looks like molten crayons and your werewolf costume looks like one of the Berenstain Bears.

Actually, you can go very, very wrong when your werewolf costume looks that Semitic. Not that there is anything wrong with looking Semitic, just that it doesn't exactly conjure up images of a savage half man, half beast creature. I'm talking Ashkenazi Jews here.




Fair is foul and foul is fair. May every Daninsky be covered with hair.

This movie is entertaining because the translation leaves much to be desired and the blood looks like molten crayons and the werewolf costume looks like the Berenstain Bears. Pyjamas and all.

Plot

Waldemar Daninsky (Paul Naschy) accidentally kills a werewolf, thereby fulfilling an ancient prophecy. This prophecy holds that one of the Daninsky family would accidentally kill one of the Bathory family. My karma ran over your dogma who happens to be a werewolf.

The murder sets a curse that the Bathory family placed upon the Daninsky family in motion. The Daninsky curse in general falls onto Waldemar Daninsky in particular. The Bathory family were burnt at the stake by the Daninsky family on Walpurgis night, and from there the return of the Walpurgis in the title.



Exhibit A: Spot the difference between the Berenstain Bears and Waldemar Daninsky (this is Waldemar Daninsky).



Exhibit B: Spot the difference between the Berenstain Bears and Waldemar Daninsky (this is the Berenstain Bears). Taken from Pbase.com

During the film, Waldemar adds nearly as many notches to his bedpost as the average James Bond does, but with far more fleas.

Review

• Paul Naschy holds the record for playing the Berenstain Bear, er I mean wolf man the most number of times.


• In the first half hour, you have duelling knights, a black mass, a public execution by hanging, an occult curse by one Bathory and a burning at the stake. Somehow, this film does not manage to steer clear of the cheese after that either.


• In all fairness, this film is not bad at all. The acting and the set design are both great, and the plot gives a nod to ancient European superstitions. It is made with much passion, but it did not age that well and it is unintentionally hilarious at points.


• At the time, Paul Naschy had problems with the authorities regarding the religious, sexual and violent content of his wolf man films. This is hard to believe - almost as hard as believing that the actors managed to keep straight faces through all the molten crayon blood. The times they are a changing indeed.

There is however one aspect of Curse of the Devil that still applies to our times. This is of course the mass hysteria of the pitchfork wielding peasants. Despite some authors like James Surowiecki arguing that crowd wisdom is superior to individual wisdom, it is clear that as much as crowd participation compounds success, it also compounds dismal failure. In his book, The Wisdom of Crowds, Surowiecki identifies four elements required for a wise crowd:

Four Elements Required for a Wise Crowd

• Diversity of opinion, whereby each person should be privy to his own viewpoint, no matter how eccentric.


• Independence, which determines that each individual is allowed to formulate his own opinion without fear of favour or prejudice or death threats.


• Decentralisation, making provision for localised and/or specialised knowledge, like say the knowledge inherent in the separation of powers principle.


• Aggregation, which is a mechanism for orchestrating the various judgements into a cohesive decision. An example of such a mechanism is Dotmocracy.

It is clear that the pitchfork wielding peasants were not allowed a diversity of opinion, I mean either Wandinsky is the wolf man and deserves to be killed or... no, that's the only option really. They were thus not free to disagree with the mob leader either. Similarly, they did not allow for localised or specialised knowledge, since the investigator sent by the authorities was ultimately not allowed to give his input. Even after he allowed them to pursue their own ways of dealing with Wandinsky, they killed the investigator. There is also a noted absence of aggregation. The mob merely goes from one mob leader to the next, ironically much like a pack of wild dogs choosing its leader by virtue of him being the strongest. As usual, truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense, as the famous quote goes.



Exhibit C: Spot the difference between a real mob and a fictitious mob (this is a fictitious mob exhibiting compound failure).



Exhibit D: Spot the difference between a real mob and a fictitious mob (this is a real mob exhibiting compound failure).

Note the similarities between the real mob and the fictitious mob. The one has made up its mind about who is guilty, who is innocent and no matter what the reality is, they already decided to kill those who oppose them. On the other hand, we have the pitchfork wielding peasants who run after Wandinsky in the Curse of the Devil.

For those outside South Africa who might still be in the dark, try this erudite legal opinion on the ANCYL leader Mamela's threat to kill those who oppose Jacob Zuma.

Director

Carlos Aured.

Cast

Fabiola Falcón, Anna Farra, Jacinto Molina, aka Paul Naschy, Inés Morales, Martiza Olivares.

Rating

Completely Inappropriate Synopses of Selected Steven Spielberg Films

Steven Spielberg, one of the most celebrated directors of our time.

This evolved out of a forum game. The purpose of the game is to provide a completely inappropriate synopsis for movies. This inappropriate synopsis should either

• spoil the plot


• offend the reader


• offend the writer


• offend the reader, offend the writer and spoil the plot


• be otherwise inappropriate

If you sugar-coated a synopsis with quiet diplomacy and politically correct terms and it still had a foul politically incorrect stench, you are on the right track.

Reminds me of a similar game president Robert Mugabe and president Thabo Mbeki like to play with people's lives, namely give a completely inappropriate synopsis of the current state of your country.

My version of completely inappropriate movie synopses will not endanger human lives (other than my own, perhaps) and is less hurtful. But not much.

I did not try to be as politically incorrect as I could, but I did try to step on a few toes. To aid me in my quest, I looked at a list of isms political correctness tries to sweep under the carpet:

• ageism – I somehow missed this one


• racism – check


• religious intolerance - check


• sexism – check


• xenophobia – check

If your toes are hurting after reading these, I achieved my purpose.

The politically incorrect and completely inappropriate guide to selected Steven Spielberg films

Film poster for Jews. I mean, Jaws.

Jaws
This Darwinian view on the potential outcome of global warming where the whiteys get mauled by a gigantic great white shark for their colonialist ways doesn't have a single brother who gets killed. Everyone knows black people can't swim. That's what you get for going against nature and putting your white ass where Jesus didn't put it. This movie does have a great white, but it's not you. Ha ha, honky! Ha ha!

Close Encounters of the Third Kind
A man and his faeces cake get abducted by aliens who like Jean Michel Jarre way too much. Xenu tricks him with fancy lights, fancy aeronautics and the smell of patchouli to sacrifice his rectum willingly to their advanced science, elongated appendages and culinary skills they clearly abducted from the French. The search for one intergalactic faeces cake to bind them all.

E.T - The Extra-Terrestrial
An illegal alien who actually wants to leave America, the land of opportunity. He skips the tardy queues at the immigration office by calling his parents to pick him up and take him back to Mexico. That's somewhere in Africa, right?

Poltergeist
Dabblers in the occult get what they deserve. Amen, Jesus. Amen.

Gremlins
The heart warming tale of a man and his gerbils. Features a few good reasons why men shouldn't cook. Contains scenes of suggested felching.

The Color Purple
In this tale about the ordeal one Muslim woman had to endure during the crusades, Whoopi Goldberg proves that as a black person, she only got that Affirmative Action Oscar because she has a Jewish surname. Welcome to Hollywood.

Hook
Freud gets his day when a grown man prefers to live a life of frolicking with prepubescent boys instead of living with a woman of his own age who is willing to smell his farts, cook his food and clean his house. Maybe she reminds him of his mother and living with little boys is easier than living with his guilt. I pray that Jesus delivers this man from his homosexual abominations before he is old enough to wear nappies again. Amen, Jesus. Amen.

Schindler's List
A near black and white comedy based on life in Nazi Germany, which is transformed into a tragedy when a German soldier dies.

Amistad
Amistad proves that making films about Jewish suffrage is more profitable than making films about black people being exploited. It is fashionable to hate Nazis, but it's not fashionable to hate slave drivers when they are so close to home. The movie features black people from the 1800s. They couldn't swim back then and they can't swim now.

A.I: Artificial Intelligence
One of Hollywood's best directors delivers one of his best projects. Pity Spielberg had to get involved to turn Kubrick's final project into another boy and his alienation (alien nation?) film. Not even the advanced robotics portrayed in the film could make the gay white android dance. Black people can't swim, white people can't dance. Not even as gay androids. Amen, Charles Darwin. Amen.

Minority Report
This is a futuristic documentary about the kind of dystopian life Tom Cruise and Scientology want for us all. For our own good. Amen, L Ron Hubbard. Amen.

Another completely inappropriate synopsis

Yes, the three little pigs is offensive and completely inappropriate. I wonder how inappropriate it is since Green Jelly mixed it with secular rock music?

Now that's completely inappropriate for a niche blog dedicated to heavy metal albums and horror films. Racism, xenophobia, sexism, ageism and religious intolerance is one thing. Actually, they are five things, but secular rock music is another thing all together. I think I crossed the line this time. Don't despair, there will be more heavy metal and horror films as soon as I burnt all my Fleetwood Mac LPs.

Completely Inappropriate Links

• Baa, baa black sheep. Yes, it is ageism at its worst. Or was that religious intolerance? Whatever.


• Suffolk Center of the Holocaust, Diversity & Human Understanding . I shit you not.


• The three little pigs story offends nappy-headed hos and thus the UK refuses to transmit this harmful meme in its schools. Well, as a vegetarian I'm offended by phrases such as: "Behead those who insult salami!". Or was that: "Behead those who insult Islam?". I can never remember.


• Top 10 politically incorrect phrases of 2007. Good for a laugh. In Australia, you can't say:"Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!". You have to say: "Ha, ha, ha!". Well, I just did.


• Roald Dahl's The Three Little Pigs. Now THAT is offensive. Xenophobia in rhyme, no less.

The original House On Haunted Hill (1959) Movie Review

“Vincent Price was the kind of actor who could make a golf game seem foreboding.” Merlyn Trey Hunter

Conclusion

A 1959 black and white horror film that is still more scary than any politically correct, demographically represented teenie bopper Paris Hilton-starring Hollywood remakes of latter years. Honestly, the House of Wax teen movie remake should rather be called House of P.C. Cheap Plastic.

The pace of the film is odd. Other than that, it is a good film.

Plot

• Fredrick Loren (Vincent Price) is a sinister playboy who hosts an amusing party shindig at his haunted mansion.


• Each guest gets a tiny coffin with a loaded handgun in it and as much single malt scotch as they can carry. The survivors get $10 000. No, I did not put my pinkie in my mouth when I typed that.


• Of course, it's not as smooth as surviving the night in a haunted mansion with a bunch of AA (armed alcoholics) members and an imposing acid bath in the fine wine cellar. Fredrick's wife, Annabelle (Carol Ohmart, who looks very fetching in this movie) and her lover, Lance (Richard Long) steer clear of the single malt whiskey, indicating that they intend to keep their shooting straight. The plot thickens.


• Fortunately, there are no such things as ghosts. Or are there? What goes bump in the night? Is it just Britney Spears spending one night in Paris Hilton, filming the ordeal to put her career back on track?
  
  We are talking about the girl who snogged Madonna. It's not a case of don't put that in your mouth, you don't know where it's been. It's more a case of don't put that in your mouth, you know EXACTLY where it's been!
  
  And Paris is the opposite of a Hilton Hotel. You know there are reservations at a Hilton Hotel.


• Rest assured. The plot of House on Haunted Hill is sinister, but not that sinister.

The Paris Hilton Autopsy, by artist Daniel Edwards. Read more about this work of social commentary at Art Fag City or at the Capla Kesting Fine Art Gallery site.

"There's something about disemboweling a homunculus of Hilton that screams 'fine art'." - Wired Magazine

"A bizarre art campaign to warn against the dangers of drunk driving." - The New Zealand Herald

Review

• House on Haunted Hill starts off with screaming multiple orgasms. OK, so perhaps it's an agonising scream. I'm a guy, I can't tell the difference, but the scream seems like a good start. Then there are a couple of floating heads introducing the film. You just know you are in good company.


• After that, the film gets a bit boring. It takes a while before the tension builds, but there are a few frightening moments that they somehow manage to concoct with one of the most fake ghosts caught on video.


• One of the great Vincent Price movies, House of Haunted Hill is directed and produced by William Castle. Castle had the habit of marketing his films with spy gadgets. For this film, some cinemas were fitted with an elaborate pulley system which dragged a skeleton across the ceiling at opportune times.


• Vincent Price sports a stylish handlebar moustache in this film. That's almost as cool as a popped collar. That's not the same kind of cool as a Nile album. It's also not quite as cool as Shock.


• The famous architect Frank Lloyd Wright designed the house on haunted hill. This estate, known as the Ennis House, is built in the Mayan revival style. Wright believed in organic architecture. This means he believed a new building should blend in with its environment instead of visually fighting with its surroundings. He did not grow houses using hydroponic farming techniques. The Ennis House is an impressive erection. Almost as impressive as my monster cock.


• This film is in public domain, which means you can watch House on Haunted Hill or download it for free from the Internet archive.


• How do you feel about the recent Vincent Price remake craze? I am legend, House of Wax, House on Haunted Hill... I still prefer the original Vincent Price films. Watching remakes is about as much fun as reading tips for a flat stomach or going through detoxification. Speak your mind - leave me a comment!

Director
William Castle

Cast

• Elisha Cook Jr


• Alan Marshal


• Julie Mitchum


• Carol Ohmart


• Vincent Price

Rating

Iron Maiden Live After Death DVD Review

What does a hot milf have to do with Iron Maiden? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I put in random hot milfs and text with hot hot porn saki saki hot sex midget sex alien lesbian tentacle sex milf sex milf hunt on my site to get hits.

Conclusion

No broken home should be without one.

Iron Maiden “Live After Death” DVD

The legendary “Live After Death” concert from 1984. It has the sickest cover in metal history. Looking at it is like someone casting my hand in the metal hand sign.



It was previously released on VHS. Surviving video cassette copies are as scarce as decent Metallica albums after Cliff Burton died. The Irons have never done it small, with the notable exception of a few tasteful Asian groupies perhaps.

If you ever woke up after a really rough night only to discover the foul stench of camel dung and the mesmerising panorama of the sun rising over the sphinx, you might experience a sense of deja-voodoo when you witness the stage décor.

You might also consider cutting down a little on the partying.

There are Eddies here colossal enough to take on all the Transformers. They are nearly robust enough to take on Andrea Dworkin and live to tell the tale.


Andrea Dworkin. Gladiators, are you ready?

Highlights

• The epic mullet of Bruce Dickinson.


• Iron Maiden's god-like spandex immunity.


• In the Martin Birch produced stereo audio setting, you can get Dave Murray's guitar through the left speaker, and Adrian Smith's guitar through the right speaker. Multiple eargasms!


• Kevin Shirley did a 5.1 Dobly Surround Sound Satan-O-Phonic mix, but I didn't bother because Kevin Shirley tried to turn Dream Theater into Marillion.


• On the bonus disk (which has a shitload on it), a Polish gent tells Bruce that he wants to mek havee mettle with a synthesiser. Bruce responds with: “No. You can't play heavy metal with a synthesiser.” Well, you can't.


• Scream for me Long Beach!


• Did I mention the cover is awesome?


• Unholy fuck it's an Iron Maiden DVD!! How much more convincing do you need? Infidel!

”Scream for me Long Beach!”

Rating

The First Hannibal Lecter Movie: Manhunter (1986) Review

Conclusion

A superb story where virtually no character development takes place. The characters refuse to budge, which adds to the tension. Well-crafted horror, if dated by the bee-hive hairstyles and the nylon shorts.

Plot

Retired profiler Will Graham is lured out of retirement from his deserted island paradise. It would take more than an appeal to my humanity to lure me from my paradise island. In fact, it would take more than two Valhalla-sized halls, one filled with classic guitars and the other filled with Valkyrie-like floozies, heaving bosoms and all. Appealing to my humanity is not very effective.

The profiler is hired to unravel the mystery of the tooth fairy. Named after his elaborate yet ineffective mating habits involving a full moon, shards of glass and bite marks, the tooth fairy is shy. So shy in fact that nobody can find him. The only known variable is the time the fairy is expected to strike – the next full moon. Graham should send Jehovah Witnesses after the fairy. They have a habit of finding people at inopportune places and at inopportune times.

In lieu of Jehovah Witnesses, Graham decides to outsource their effort by contacting Dr Hannibal Lecter. Graham cut his teeth by successfully bringing Lecter to justice, and Lecter cut his teeth on Graham's hide to return the favour. Lecter, however, shares my elusive humanity, if not my palette. He does share my sense of humour, so he sends the fairy to Graham's twice deserted paradise island. And the fairy is not after the fancy cocktails in hollow coconut shells.

Review

• The first cinematic outing for everyone's favourite culinary delinquent is refreshingly insensitive to political correctness. Expect a few disabled victims. That is disabled before the fairy even found them.


• No big name Hollywood stars are featured. While Ralph Fiennes, Anthony Hopkins and Julianne Moore arguably carried most of the subsequent films, all the stars of Manhunter get their screen time. This makes the film more convincing than most Hannibal Lecter films.


• Hannibal Lecter is merely a plot device, with Will Graham being the main character. This angle makes it different from later films, which focus heavily on Hannibal Lecter's icy personality. Or personalities.


• Clearly a product of the eighties, the dated fashions enhanced the believability of the story for me. When one considers the lack of IT resources, the teardrop shades and the Brakpan moustached stereotype cops hunching over transparency projections actually make sense.


• Some fantastic in-your-face murder scenes are pulled off. If you were disappointed by the hype around Hannibal (which had little beyond incredible cinematography in my books), Manhunter might restore your appetite for Hannibal movies. I haven't seen Hannibal Rising yet, so I'll reserve judgement on that one.


• I managed to get the special edition of the Manhunter DVD. It has a second disk with the director's cut. The first disk has all the extras, so don't despair if you can't find the special edition. Of course I recommend the director's cut!

Like my reviews? Please consider stumbling my blog:

StumpleUpon my blog

Director

Michael Mann

Cast

Joan Allen
Brian Cox
Dennis Farina
Kim Greist
William Petersen

Rating

The Shining (1980) review

Plot
Writer Jack Torrance (Jack Nicholson) decides to moonlight as the caretaker of the Overlook Hotel. Despite concerns for cabin fever, he takes his family to the desolate hotel, which gets snowed in during winter. His son, Danny (Danny Lloyd), often talks to an imaginary friend. Instead of giving Danny valuable information like the lottery numbers, this imaginary friend reveals extra sensory information about family trips to Danny on a daily basis. He warns Danny against visiting the hotel. Danny tells his mom (Shelley Duval) that he doesn't wish to visit the Overlook Hotel, but he gets dragged there anyway, imaginary friend and all.



Once at the hotel, one of the staff offers to look after Danny while his parents are shown around. Dick Hallorann (Scatman Cothers) gives Danny some ice cream and reveals that he knows Danny is psychic. Being telepathic is a condition Dick's grandmother described as 'the shining'. Most people would shrug it off as an ice cream headache, but not these two. Danny asks about room 273. Dick is visibly upset and demands that Danny stayed out of that room.

Some inexplicable incidents occur which cause Jack Torrance to experience an existential crisis. Are they hallucinations? Is Jack's crisis a product of his struggle with alcoholism? Is the hotel really haunted? Is Danny really telepathic or was this in the days before the dangers of too much tartrazine were known? Questions such as these eventually drive Jack to wield an axe against anything with body heat.

Review
Based on the book by Stephen King. If you see that anywhere on a DVD cover, chances are it's a terrible movie. However, it is unfair to compare a book to films based on the book. They are different media with different strengths and weaknesses. Judging the film on its own, Kubrick does manage to capture the desolate winter. The immense loneliness of the Overlook Hotel is captured beautifully. Likewise, the sheer majestic size of the hotel compared with the insignificant size of its inhabitants is captured very well.

There is also a mini series version produced in 1997. This version owes more to the book than the Kubrick version, but lacks the distinctive nitpicking Kubrick style. As an illustration, Kubrick demanded that all the pages of Jack Torrance's book be typed. All they consist of are multiple instances of the line 'All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy'. Heaven knows why they couldn't photocopy it.

The pace is excruciatingly slow. It is very hard to have a film with such a plodding pace that still builds tension. Rosemary's Baby is an example of a slow film that does manage to build tension all the way through, but the Shining is not. Kubrick decides to focus on the story of Danny instead of on the ramblings of Jack's mind. This is the only source of horror in the film, since the hallucinations are not particularly scary nor striking. If I recall, the book had much more by means of paranormal events, with a very clear decent into both madness and poltergeists on behalf of Jack. This film relies on your ability as the viewer to put yourself in the shoes of Danny, imagining that you are at the mercy of your parents and one of them tries to root you out because of a vision of a lady in the water. A lady who is not your mother. Naughty, naughty!

The character of Dick Hallorann is the coolest, slickest black man ever to be portrayed on celluloid. Check out his porno pad! I bet even Hugh Hefner looked upon that pad with envy. That pad is so überporno he doesn't even need to play Barry White to convince women to part with their clothes in there. No wonder he was reluctant to go to the hotel in aid of Danny.

Conclusion
Judging the film by the 10 commandments of horror, it does have all the right characters. It does have buckets of blood, albeit not in a gory way. It sincerely lacks by means of fake latex heads and it does take forever to get to the end. But it does have a surprising twist once it does get to the end. This is a Kubrick film. When viewed as such, it is a product of high culture. It is however, not a very good horror film, despite the classic Jack Nicholson performance in one of his most lauded roles.

Director
Stanley Kubrick

Cast
Lia Beldman
Scatman Crothers
Shelley Duval
Danny Lloyd
Jack Nicholson

Rating

The 10 Commandments of Horror

What makes a good horror film?

A difficult question. Many a man has lain awoke at night, pondering such a question. Many a woman has burnt her bush in agony. Many a man has lain awoke at night, after being burnt by the bush of a woman in agony over such a question. Some women too, but those aren't the kind of films under scrutiny here. Thankfully, He who walks behind the rows has given us His commandments. Stick to these, up and coming producers of gore filled horror, and thou coffers shalt be full, and thine jacuzzi frequented by buxom beauties.


10. Thou shalt have buckets of blood

And why not? It is a horror film. Most people find bleeding horrific. Horror films should not only exploit that feeling, but also reinforce the idea that bleeding is horrific. People should think before they make other people bleed and before they make themselves bleed. It is similar to cathedrals showing images of hell on the interior. If horror films had enough buckets of blood, no amount of listening to Marilyn Manson at an impressionable age could bring one to cut your own thighs while feeling sorry for yourself. Save the emo, put buckets of blood in your horror films. Buckets of blood work particularly well when combined with inexplicable boob shots.


9. Thou shalt have inexplicable boob shots

Exhibit A (or more like exhibit 32C): Kelly Brook from Ripper, a letter from hell.


I think we're all agreed on this one.


8. Thou shalt have as thine antagonist a male, middle-aged and unsettling

The original (and only) Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) is the benchmark for all slasher flicks. While the speckled teenage hitch-hiker is unsettling, he is not nearly as unsettling as the middle-aged chainsaw wielding unsettling Leatherface. Observe how effectively that film combines not one, but a few female protagonists. They did not break the fifth commandment, which made their eighth commandment much more sensible. Halloween and Nightmare on Elm Street continue with this tradition.

There are some very successful horrors that incorporate children as antagonists. The Omen (1976) series comes to mind. This is because children are evil and we should destroy their souls. Do your bit to prevent a real-life The Omen today: tell a kid Santa is short for Satan, he's just trying to trick them.


7. Thou shalt have fake latex heads

Yes, computer generated imagery (CGI) does have its place. For morphing, for making people leap from tall buildings, for adding explosions, for underwater or outer space scenes. Even for the occasional beast, to give it a radio active glow, or to enhance the buckets of blood. However, nothing can replace real fake latex heads. Imagine Lady Frankenstein without the real fake latex heads. I couldn't. If you could, you should go study 3D animation. Come to think of it, latex tentacles are a great idea too. There's a small yet dedicated niche market for live action hentai out there, and I want to see those people pleased. Not see them being pleased in the physical sense, but pleased in the metaphorical sense.. but those aren't the kind of films under scrutiny here.


6. Thou shalt have ooze

Thanks to the invention of K-Y Jelly, no latex monster needs to be without ooze ever again. People who are afraid of snakes, incorrectly describe them as being slimy. Being slimy is one of those properties that still reverberates within our subconscious minds with something distasteful and unsavoury. We associate slimy not only with cafe Greeks, but also with disgusting creepy things that want to get into your pants. Come to think of it... oh never mind. The point is ooze makes latex more horrific. Slime must remind us subconsciously of Vincent Price's Brylcreem hair. Blood, sweat, tears and K-Y Jelly. It makes all the horror fit.

What is the fifth commandment? Why are there only five commandments, when the topic clearly states there are ten? Rest assured, for those who write commandments work but one day per week. The rest of thine commandments are hither - sooner than you could find a talking donkey. I post with much haste!

Shock (1953) review

Director
Alfred L. Werker

Cast
Frank Latimore
Lynn Bari
Vincent Price
Anabel Shaw
Charles Trowbridge

Shop for Vincent Price films on DVD at Amazon.com!

Plot
Janet Stewart (Anabel Shaw) lapses into a state of Shock after witnessing a murder. Her concerned boyfriend finds her unable to speak, unable to cook and unable to clean. The unable to speak part soon loses its novelty and he becomes perturbed because she is unable to cook or clean. Instead of becoming sexually liberated, he decides to seek help in the form of Dr Cross (Vincent Price), a specialist on afflictions of the mind, among them Shock. It turns out Janet witnessed a murder and the gruesome details of the horrendous crime left her in a state of Shock. Dr Cross offers to help Janet in his private asylum, but all is not ponies and rainbows, nay nay. As Janet comes to her senses, slowly regaining her ability to perform minor domestic tasks, she recognises Dr Cross as the perpetrator. More Shock!

Review
Vincent Price is the undisputed king of horror actors. If his eerie hypnotic voice and intimidating tall frame are not enough to give anyone the creeps, his Brylcreem hair most definitely is. Shock is a film noir film. This does not necessarily equate it with the glamour of Hollywood, but it does have vintage black and white charm.

The performances are over the top, with long Pinter pauses during dialogue. Likewise, the exaggerated gestures contribute to the otherworldly feel of the film. The film is dated, but give Shock some credit - it came out in 1953. I think the plot is a brilliant idea and even listed it as one of the films I feel Hollywood should remake. Some peculiar innovation is evident in the dream sequence. It is always fascinating to see how much variation the limits of black and white offer.

The over the top performances are a pleasure. At one point, the doctor who first discovers Janet concludes: "I think she suffers from ... Shock. All it needs is a little DUN dun DUUUUUN! each time the word shock is mentioned, although I admit it might detract from the dramatic irony.

Those interested in how gender roles were instilled by the media during the fifties would note what a sweet housewife Janet portrays. Even in her dreams, she has a man who is ready to sweep her off her feet while she is content to sweep nothing but the porch. Her man is a working man, and one in uniform no less. What an Utopian domestic vision.

Conclusion
The film is dated. Vincent Price is as charismatic as usual. This alone makes Shock worth seeing. The film is not particularly graphic, relying more on the suspenseful feeling of 'what-if' doctors are reckless with their authority.

Rating

Ripper, letter from hell (2001) review

Director
John Eyres

Cast
Kelly Brook
A.J. Cook
Daniella Evangelista
Bruce Payne
Emmanuelle Vaugier

Plot
Molly Keller (A.J. Cook) survived a serial killer incident which cost her her parents and nearly all of their insurance money to replace boats. She is now a student of forensic psychology under a famous author in the field. Surprisingly, her ordeal of a few years ago is not over. A Jack the Ripper fan starts hacking teens in her class. In her class of mostly foreign exchange students, the tension runs almost as high as their suspicions of each other in their quest to find the killer.

Review
I feel sorry for Molly Keller. She has stereotypical teenage angst, she gets all the cheesy lines and she has to pretend she is hardcore. I would say the dialogue is the single worst feature of this film.

Another weird aspect is the police officer working on the case. Yes, you read right. There is a serial killer running amok, but the authorities assigned only one police officer to the case. He has to corner off crime scenes, gather evidence and babysit Molly. No wonder they don't catch the guy all that quickly. Plus he looks like Jack the Ripper himself!

Moving on to the positive aspects: the first murder scene is done very well. Buckets of blood, lots of suspense, looks feasible enough for you to think it is one of your own parties gone horribly wrong. Did I mention buckets of blood? Yes, there are buckets of blood, but only in the first killing.

The actors are largely unknown, but most of them did a splendid job with lacking dialogue. Especially the scream queens - remarkable screaming, remarkable panic attacks.

The ending is a little bit inconclusive. This is not a problem, but on a budget like this it is unlikely that there would ever be a sequel. From the unknown actors used, to the blood that looks like paint, to the fake Rammstein and fake White Zombie bands on the soundtrack, everything spells this is your one shot at making a slasher movie. I would rather make one kick-ass slasher flick, even though it is a genre product, rather than try to be arty with open endings.

Conclusion
The intentional gaps in the plot could be forgiven. However, the unintentional gaps in the plot need attention. This is a slasher genre film, and as such is slightly worse than Valentine. Having a Jack the Ripper copycat killer is interesting to begin with, if they stuck with the genre formula, it could have been better. Still entertaining, but not great.

Rating

Evil Dead (1983)

Director
Sam Raimi

Cast
Betsy Baker
Bruce Campbell
Richard DeManincor
Ellen Sandweiss
Theresa Tilly

Plot
Five college students decide to make vacation in a cabin in the woods. The desolate forest leads them to do what college students are inclined to do, namely indulge in a little occult ritual in addition to making hanky panky sexy time.

They stumble upon an audio cassette player (it's like the iPod of the eighties that works with a steam engine) that summons evil spirits. If you remember audio cassettes, you can summon spirits with them by playing the tape backwards, or if you let the tape lie on your dashboard in the sun and then play it. Of course the only persons with enough mojo to play a tape backwards were Satanic musicians and evangelist preachers. Interesting connection they share.

This cassette contains passages from the Necronomicon, a mythical book invented by H.P. Lovecraft as part of his ploy to mock religion. The Necronomicon of Evil Dead is not so innocuous, and evil spirits start to haunt the cabin. The Bruce and his consorts have to battle the spirits with McGuyver-like ingenuity.

Review
In the year of our Bruce - well, Bruce can make it any year he likes, at any given time – Sam Raimi documented the pristine manner in which to deal with an undead attack. It is true that one Romano first brought us knowledge of the existence of zombies, casting his lots on their side. Alas, this had been before the coming of our Bruce. Generous helpings of whoopass and chainsaws put these metaphysical entities in their place. Evil Dead should be passed from generation to generation to ensure our children and our children's children - even the test tube ones - know how to prepare for an attack from the undead. The Bruce should be made a saint and honoured by having one hand of our firstborn replaced with a chainsaw in his homage.

Conclusion
The Bruce deserves to be further immortalised in the mind of the public with his own strand of poor attempts at humour, from the same genus as those of The Hoff, The Chuck and The Shat. Maybe not The Shat, but Evil Dead is superawesome!

Rating

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004)

Director
Wes Anderson

Cast
Cate Blanchett, Willem Dafoe, Jeff Goldblum, Angelica Huston, Bill Murray.

Plot
Steve Zissou (Murray) is an oceanographer and documentary film maker. To say he is eccentric is to describe fascists as angry people. When his partner, Estaban (Seymour Cassell), dies due to a shark attack, Zissou sets off to avenge his partner's death. Known only as the "jaguar shark", Zissou and his gang face illegitimate children, not so legitimate illegitimate children, former wives, pirates and each other's eccentricities in their quest to kill the creature.

Review
This larger than life comedy proves how little mankind knows about aquatic life. In particular, it proves how little a man named Steve Zissou knows about aquatic life. Follow mister Zissou on a journey of debauchery, piracy, pregnancy and even bankruptcy.

This film is critically misunderstood, commercially unsuccessful and highly underrated. Anderson studied philosophy at the University of Texas. His plays on meaning are similar to those of David Lynch, except Lynch plays with signifiers and the signified from a horror/thriller perspective. Anderson takes the lighthearted approach by dealing with questions about truth and meaning with a healthy dose of dry wit.

For entertainment value, the film has ups and downs at a very appropriate pace and the delivery is right on the money. Cate Blanchett is her usual glamorous self, even donning khaki clothes and a pregnant belly. Luke and Owen Wilson are entertaining enough, but the star of the show is undeniably Bill Murray. He looks so convincing in his role as Steve Zissou that one wonders whether this isn't actually a documentary film.

You will need to watch this film a few times to catch all the fake aquatic species, the more subtle jests and just to enjoy the dry humour again.

Conclusion
If you enjoyed Anderson's previous film, The Royal Tenenbaums, prepare yourself for something completely different. You do not need a red cap and a speedo to enjoy this film, but it helps.

Rating

The Ninth Gate (1999)

Director
Roman Polanski

Cast
Johnny Depp, Frank Langella, Lena Olin, James Russo, Emmanuelle Seigner.

Shop for Ninth Gate on DVD at Amazon.com!

Plot
Meet Dean Corso (Johnny Depp): book seller; raconteur; conman extraordinaire. He capitalises on his extensive knowledge of rare books, the ignorance of those in possession of these and his skills to manipulate people. Never too busy to pass by an opportunity to increase his fortunes, he decides to look for prints of a book called The Nine Gates of the Kingdom of Shadows on behalf of Boris Balkan (Frank Langella). There are three known prints of this book. Balkan already owns one, and Corso has to find the others to verify their authenticity. If he believes them to be real, he must acquire them at all costs. All expenses paid!

Corso manages to track down the remaining two, and finds discrepancies in the illustrations. At first, Corso is lead to believe that the discrepancies mean the books are counterfeit. A series of unfortunate events and a female consort known only as the girl (Emmanuelle Seigner) lead him to believe the discrepancies are deliberate. The girl and Balkan seem to be locked in a race to gather all the copies of the book in order to perform diabolical rites successfully, and Corso is not sure whose pawn he is. Who will be first to open the mystical ninth gate, and is it really that much better on the other side?

Review
Based on The Club Dumas by Arturo Pérez-Reverte, Polanski reportedly chose only one of the many sub-plots of the book for the film. In step with Pérez-Reverte's writing style, the film focuses in detail on the doings of one central character, namely that of Corso. The book is allegedly a bibliophile's dream, with references to classic literature throughout. As the title suggests, the book deals extensively with the methods of Alexander Dumas, while the film chooses to virtually ignore this link. Instead of offering a multi-faceted surreal world of endless possibilities, the Ninth Gate is the equivalent of the tunnel vision one has sliding down a water slide that runs out of water around the last bend.

While you can expect the same visual feast as in China Town, Polanski does not offer nearly the same complexity and suspense in the plot of the Ninth Gate. Upon further reading, it seems that his intention was to ridicule those who believe in the occult, while at the same time presenting a film riddled with occult references both obscure and bluntly obvious. It seems that Polanski considers his audience to consist of 15-year-olds who discovered the writings of La Vey. The film has a comic feel, and it does tend to drag at points. Some interesting concepts such as the nature of supernatural powers of the girl are treated with nonchalance, hovering somewhere between not quite explicit and not quite implicit enough, while other avenues not nearly as interesting enjoy fare too much attention. Still, with this fool's gold plot and strong performances by most actors, coupled with the fantastic score by Wojciech Kilar, the Ninth Gate is not devoid of entertainment value.

Conclusion
Compared with the recent outbreak of American creature features, it is refreshing to find a film nearly in the same who-dunnit tradition of Dario Argento. Polanski certainly has the experience and the flare to pull of a very stylish suspense thriller, yet somehow does not manage to do so here. It boils down to Johnny Depp to carry the film. The on-screen chemistry between him and the rest of the cast is worth watching, and the visual aspects of a Polanski film alone merits at least a second viewing. Not a bad film at all, just a poorly executed film for Polanski.

Rating

IBM invents DVD advertising for The Man

I read about this on the Pure Distortion blog. It is a very impressive blog and rightly won a blog of note entry recently. It is written by the geek for the geek, so enjoy.

"A method wherein contents of DVDs may be restricted based upon purchased certificates is provided. The certificates allow for secured information on playback. Specifically, whenever a DVD is to be played, a certificate is consulted to determine whether the content of the DVD should be played with or without commercial interruptions. If the certificates provide for commercial interruptions, then commercials can be obtained from an online service that renders commercials on demand, or from the DVD itself. In such a case, the content of the DVD may be interspersed with commercials."^[1]

Now that is useful. Considering that I do not go to the cinema nor watch television because I dislike advertisements I can't control. Considering that I built a collection of DVDs partially because the DVD rental shops in my area think I am a shady character and because I would like to own the untainted films in all their DVD quality splendour - sans ads.

I have been an IBM fanboy to some extent. They build super dooper computers and then run Linux on them. They provide the Joker to Micro$oft's Batman. Or at least they did. This is outrageous, and like all the other industries where they tried insane technological hampers (particularly CDs, I still dare you to ask me about rootkit software), it will only serve to piss a dwindling consumer market off even further.

They are planning this little word from their sponsors on HD-DVD systems. Since one of the specs for a compatible HD system is an Internet connection, they see no problem with using that connection for pausing your movie, then downloading certain advertisements^[2], shoving them down your throat and then proceeding with your HD-DVD. You know, the one you paid for because it has better digital quality than your local cinema could ever muster with their analogue reels. The one where you thought you could determine your own bathroom breaks and adjust the volume level as you see fit. The one you bought because the television screenings have advertisements every 10 minutes and you are tired of little old ladies with their cell phones next to you or some lonely housewife with her hell-spawn offspring deciding the cinema is a good place to have a feud.

So now you upgraded your television monitor to a HD compatible one, you purchased a HD player, you have the whole thing set up according to the specs with an ethernet connection and 5.1 surround sound, only to see Now for a word from our sponsors "insert brand names here".

To add insult to injury, South Africa has among the most expensive bandwidth rates in the world. We do not have free Internet here - even our dial-up lines are sucking us dry. In effect, we pay for HD advertisements by buying an HD version of our favourite film, and then pay for the advertisements again by paying Telkom's ransom. Ransom, because they hold your paid-for line ransom. You can hardly call that rental or payment for services rendered. Have you ever tried to phone Telkom's customer care line? The panpipes will cause an instant angina.

I have been vocal about piracy in the past. It is unethical and all that jazz, but from a consumer perspective, if I download a cracked version of my favourite film, I get all the benefits of having a DVD copy minus all the inconveniences like region encoding, dual-layers that none of my DVD-ROM drives can grasp, trying to play MPEG format on Linux (that comes from my masochistic side so I take full credit for that), paying through my nose (new DVDs sell here for about R200 or roughly $29, with older titles going for about R80 or roughly $12) and soon - advertisements. If they carry on like this, the list of minor inconveniences will outweigh the list of conveniences sooner or later - in fact, they already do and we haven't even seen a full acceptance of the HD/Blu-Ray format on our shores. Sooner or later, the pirates will have the last laugh.

References
[1] Zats Not Funny! Blog
[2] Ars Technica - no, not butt cheek technology