I Know Who Killed Me DVD Review

A Conclusive Five Line Review

This film stars Lindsay Lohan. Usually, that's the worst feature of a film. However, in the case of this blatant Shock rip-off, that is about the only redeeming feature of this film. Utter shyte - unless you happen to enjoy perving Lindsay Lohan. She looks quite fit here.

Plot

A serial killer is on the loose and you know who it is the first time you see him. The killer captures and kills a popular girl. Or does he?

Review

This film received negative reviews all around. I must say it's not entirely without its entertaining features. Lindsay Lohan delivers quite a convincing performance as a teen brat and later as a teeny bopper who lives a life of wanton abandon. Drugs, strip clubs and underage drinking and underage sex. I wonder how much of this was acting? Very Method. Stanislavski would be proud of Lindsay.

The worst features of this film are:

• The editing. It's just sloppy. It is true that the use of colour in this film is quite engrossing, although it is not quite cut from the same cloth as Dario Argento's Susperia as some reviewers have claimed.


• The killer. The guy is a cripple and he gets beaten up by teenage girls. That's not scary. Considering that this film is essentially a serial killer suspense thriller, you can't have a boring boogie man. If you really must have an affirmative action villian, at least do it with style, like they do in Saw.

I'd love to swim against the stream and offer a discenting opinion, but in this case I'm afraid I really can't. This film sucks. And not in a good way like Lindsay Lohan might. To be honest, I think I'd much prefer to see Lindsay in a homemade sex video ala Paris Hilton than in mainstream films. Except Lindsay can actually act. That's why she gets parole and Paris doesn't.



Lindsay Lohan. Is she really acting when she portrays a drinking drug-binging teenage brat stripper? It looks like she's hiding her tik in her breast pocket, Napoleon style.

Director

Christ Sivertson, the proud owner of quite a few Golden Raspberry Awards thanks to this film.

Cast

• Spencer Garrett


• Lindsay Lohan


• Paula Marshall


• Neil McDonough


• Julia Ormond

Rating

Zombie Strippers DVD Review

Conclusion

At last: the moment we have all been waiting for. An opportunity to see porn star Jenna Jameson with her clothes on. To those in the Middle East, it means an opportunity to finally see Jenna Jameson's face without a veil inserted by some censorship bureau of one kind or another.

Plot

A bunch of porn stars decide to break into mainstream films by doing their usual routine of 'don't look at the camera' faces, 'don't break my nails' gun toting and deadpan, wisecrack humour with the notable exception that they are wearing clothes most of the time. Oh, there are zombies that are naturally caused by chemical weapons of the Bush administration. And sometimes they strip.

Review

There are many technical defects in this film that are like named bullets for the cast in the arsenal of any serious film critic. Naturally, Jenna Jameson has quite a few bullets with her name on them. Yet if you can look past the deficiencies and remember that films are supposed to be about entertainment, the self-conscious nature of this film is nearly as effective as the same approach used in Mars Attacks.

The strong electro magnetic pulse used to temporarily disable the zombies looks more like a free download screensaver that calls home to a website that emails you about viagra and making your schlong schlonger. The porn starlets are so familiar with putting on come to bed eyes that they persist with this mannerism, even when zombified. Yet the only true criticism I have for this film is that it does not have enough heavy metal on the soundtrack. This means that, just like a Spice Girls video and real pornography, the music is the worst feature of the fanservice.

Zombie Strippers offers buckets of blood, gratuitous boob shots and zombies in the Romero tradition, namely zombies as a metaphor for the complacency of the public when it comes to political affairs. If you are the type of person who would pick up a film called Zombie Strippers in the first place, there is not much here that will disappoint you. Not even Jenna Jameson quoting Nietzsche while popping bubblegum.

Director

Jay Lee

Cast

• Penny Drake


• Robert Englund


• Jenna Jameson


• Tito Ortiz


• Roxy Saint

Rating

Mensa New Words Game

Mensa, those erudites of the round table, have invented this word game whereby you invent new words by changing only one letter of existing words. Indeed, the world's brightest people would rather dick around playing word games than aid the rest of us. If the world's best minds think we are hopeless, who am I to argue?

The Mensa New Words Game

1. Take any word from the dictionary.


2. Alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter.


3. Supply a new definition.

An example is the Mensa New Words for 2005. Mensa dictionaries must be filled with crayon marks. Despite being considered beyond help by Mensa, I've been playing this game on a forum for a while and these are some of the best entries:

Some of the best entries

addherent, n:
A person who buys a product because they liked the commercial.

brandwidth, n:

1. A range in which the brands of your accessories are visible.


2. The capacity for transferring awareness of the brands of your accessories, often kept artificially high.

devine, adj:

1. Of or pertaining to software development skills seemingly of divine origin.


2. Addressed, appropriated, or devoted to a god-like developer.


3. Superhuman developer.

clairvoydance, n:

1. The supposed power to see money going out of your account that cannot be perceived by the senses.


2. Acute intuitive insight or perceptiveness about you going bankrupt.

idolt, n:
A fan of Pop Idols.

nonosecond, n:
The space of time between noting that you have clicked the 'exit' button by accident and the application closing and tossing 45 minutes' wikiwork into the ether.

octopis, n:
The eighth visit to the toilet in less than two hours that advises you that you've had enough beer now and should go home

pedimentary, adj:

1. Having a knowledge of Sepedi that resembles sediment.


2. A portmanteau of Sepedi and elementary, suggesting an elementary knowledge of Pedi.


3. See also: http://www.watkykjy.co.za/2009/10/hey-julius.html

perpluxed, adj:

1. The look of bewilderment, confusion and tear-filled eyes after one plucks an unwanted hair.


2. Involved in a de-feathering or hair removal of some kind.

prosthetnics, n:

1. The digital image editing practice of replacing a member of one ethnic group with another.


2. See also: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/8221896.stm

relard, v:
The act of gaining back all the weight you lost as soon as you fall back into your evil ways, post-diet.

retart, n:
Someone who is both slow and loose.