Twilight Review by Sally Partridge

Sally Partridge is a popular South African writer of lewd teen fetish novels, which are not quite as explicit as those of Anne Rice. They aren't littered with that many adjectives and they don't take that long to get to the point. Her latest foray into this awkwardly popular genre, Fuse, will be released shortly despite the original publishing house burning down. Metal!

This is her guest post here on The Necro Files, because I am too busy procrastinating in the process of making the Herzbot facebook application right now to make any meaningful contribution to my blog.

Review

What do you get if you mix a lonely teenage emo starting out in a new school, a family of hungry vampires, a group of hungry nomad vampires and a horny werewolf?

The Twilight movie.

The film starts with Bella Swan (romantic, no?) saying goodbye to her old home, then pans dramatically over her new one and then pans some more. The cinematographer really wants you to take in how pretty Forks is, or else he might kick you in the pants.

Bella moves back to her childhood home, and immediately rouses the attention of the resident werewolf Jacob Black (whoops, did I just give that away?) and is given a rusty old truck to drive by her clueless father who looks like her older brother with a pasted-on moustache. (Is everyone in this movie beautiful?)

She starts school and is noticed by every male that falls within her eyeline, including the drop-dead gorgeous Edward Cullen, of the infamous Cullen family. (All adopted, all incestuous and all vampire)

In Biology, Edward takes one whiff of Bella and heads for the hills, leaving her thinking that she smells funny - she's half right.

He returns a week later and begins the he’s not that into you game that guys sometimes like to play, only to change his mind later on and declare his undying love and save her life, twice.

Bella discovers, through Google, that her wooer is a vampire, but doesn’t care because he’s just that hot.

• They date.


• They make out.


• They play baseball.

Then the movie starts to get interesting when a gang of renegade vampires come along and start trouble. When the hot blonde one, James, wants to eat Bella, the Cullen family have to hide her because obviously those six against one odds just ain’t worth the risk.

Bella falls for the oldest trick in the book, leaves her super-strong protectors behind and walks right into danger. Predictably, Edward saves her.

Bad guy gets snuffed. Edward and Bella have an emo moment where they swear never to leave each other. They go to the prom.

Jacob the werewolf doesn’t get any.

The end.

Director

Catherine Hardwicke.

Cast

Some teenage starlets I don't care about because they smell like teen spirit. Some of them include Kellan Lutz, Nikki Reed, Elizabeth Reaser, Robert Pattinson, Peter Facinelli, Ashley Greene and Jackson Rathbone.

Rating

Popular South African author S.A. Partridge interviews me

S.A. Partridge is a South African author. Her novel, The Goblet Club, is "a Gothic novel with distinctly South African features set in a mysterious boarding school somewhere on the South African Platteland. When Mark and his friends discover the dark secrets of St Matthews their thoughts turn to murder." The Goblet Club achieved top honours in the English category of Human & Rousseau’s I'm a Writer competition. This competition is held in conjunction with You, Huisgenoot and Drum magazines, SABC Education and Radio Sonder Grense (RSG). The Goblet Club also won the MER Youth prize at the 2008 Via Afrika awards in Cape Town.

What on heaven or earth or beyond could possibly compel an author of this mettle to interview me? I've lain awoke at night pondering such a question, and the only logical conclusion I arrived at involved both my handsomely hirsute appendage and my rugged, boyish charm. That, or my irrepressible modesty.

If you want to stalk S.A.Partridge and the fact that her initials and that of the South African Police are one and the same does not deter you either, then you can carpool with me. You will need a Groucho Marx disguise, an oversized raincoat (if you don't know the kind, don't bother applying), a case of fine red wine (if you don't know several kinds, don't bother applying), a smorgasbord of exotic cheese and a preference for the likes of Deicide, Morbid Angel, Nevermore or perhaps Le'Rue Delashay.



You should also do your homework by researching S.A. Partridge at the following online locations:

1. The blog of S.A. Partridge at book.co.za


2. The Goblet Cub Myspace page


3. The Goblet Club on Bookfinder. No, you can't read it during stakeout. You have to pour wine, you ludicrous gimp.

S.A.Partridge: Do you have a motto?

Necro Files: "Women should be obscene and not heard" - Groucho Marx.

S.A.Partridge: I take it Groucho Marx died a single, lonely man?

Necro Files: Not quite, he was reputedly a womaniser.

S.A.Partridge: Womanisers. What do women see in them?

Necro Files: Must be the facial hair. I have this theory that bearded women are responsible for lesbianism. In the olden days, bearded women were plentiful.

S.A.Partridge: Bearded women? They were?

Necro Files: Yes. It's only after practices like the wicker man that their numbers considerably declined. Today, you can only find bearded women in Greece and Portugal, indicating that they must have fled there from the mainland. The wicker man is thus a plausible explanation.

S.A.Partridge: :o

Necro Files: So a girl sees another girl, but thinks it's a womaniser with facial hair and lesbianism blooms. Let's face it, once you snogged a girl you don't want to go back.

S.A.Partridge: It's a stretch. :/

Necro Files: Of epic Baron von Münchhausen proportions.

S.A.Partridge: Did they burn freaks in wicker men?

Necro Files: Well, wicker men were like the church's inquisition. So yes, freaks. Anybody who disagreed with the druids, anybody who were deemed unsavoury characters were burnt.

S.A.Partridge: You only really have Caesar's word for it that the wicker man ever existed.

Necro Files: And the lack of bearded women, obviously. When can we expect your next book?

S.A.Partridge: My next book is coming out in May.

Necro Files: I see. Will it also be in the teen fetish genre?

S.A.Partridge: No, I don't write teen fetish. I'm not Anne Rice.

Necro Files: Does it feature any bearded women?

S.A.Partridge: I hate you.

Charming lady. Buy the Goblet Club now!