Roger Ebert gets a badass review

Roger Ebert has been sticking his thumbs up and down like a Roman emperor since time immemorial. His general premise is that your movie sucks and he goes at great pompous lengths to convince you that it does.

Since I am an avid horror fan, it is inevitable that Roger Ebert thinks some of my favourite movies suck.

Now the tables have turned. I asked some of the BlogCatalog bloggers to review Roger Ebert in 250 words or less. This is the result of the highly scientific experiment. That's highly scientific according to the broad definition of science as subscribed to by Dr Michael Behe, whose definition also includes intelligent design and astrology. No, I'm not making that up.

Eberthator 2: Judgement Day

In typically grand bigger and better American fashion, I made this parody of the Terminator 2: Judgment Day film poster. Strangely enough, when it comes to writing the English language, Americans prefer smaller and not better. That's why I called it 'Judgment Day' and not judgement day. Hey, no child left behind requires some degree of compromise.

Your reviews of Roger Ebert

"Being gay is not a bad thing, unless you're Roger Ebert (the homeliest closet homosexual evar). Two thumbs up where the sun don't shine for him." Krapsody


"Writing about movies is like dancing about plumbing." Jack Payne


"I quite like him, actually. But if I wanna see a movie, I don't let a critic convince me otherwise." Drowseymonkey


"I used to agree with Gene Siskel a lot more than Roger Ebert. There's one thing about movie reviewers, though: there are no experts. Sure, some might know more about movies, but their tastes in movies aren't any better than anyone else's." Ben Hoffman


"I would review Roger Ebert as being totally clueless. Yeh if you are about 100 you might agree with him, but aside from that, if he hates it, most likely I am gonna love it." Lil' Blog of Horrors



"He should take a long deserved vacation somewhere he can't watch films." Wehireu


"I felt, when it was Siskel and Ebert, Ebert's reviews were a bit more of a practical/everyman viewpoint than Siskel's were, which were typically pretty harsh. Reviewing on the web, however, is a whole new bag of popcorn." Thrift Shop Romantic

My babes and badasses reviews

• A bit of badass ithyphallic death metal in the shape of Black Seeds of Vengeage by Nile.


• Some babes in tight PVC as found in the lycans versus vampires film Underworld.


• Badasses who sometimes look like babes in Dr Feelgood by Motley Crue

Doppelganger (1993) Review

Conclusion

This high budget lameness resembles a pretty cool metamorphosis scene with big latex heads, a few buckets of blood and lots of ooze with a half-baked plot added as an afterthought. The doppelganger idea is charming and could be seen as a metaphor for the main character's struggle to come to terms with her higher circuits of consciousness, scared to unleash a monster as it were. Or maybe not, but that's my version and I'm sticking to it.

Plot

A girl (Drew Barrymore) is stalked by her doppelganger in this obvious allusion to her shady drug habits and the resulting explorations of Dr Timothy Leary's 8-circuit model of consciousness. Well, not really. Most of the film is just plodding and dull so I added my own subtext.

Review

"To see the world in a grain of sand, and to see heaven in a wild flower, hold infinity in the palm of your hands, and eternity in an hour." - William Blake

No, William Blake was not on acid. At least not the same acid that Dr Hoffman synthesised. His auguries of innocence do however seem to describe the same kind of phantoms summoned by Dr Timothy Leary with the auguries of lysergide.

Dr Leary did serious psychology work for a while. His interpersonal circumplex model is still used to evaluate and differentiate between personality disorders. After a colleague introduced Leary to psilocybin mushrooms, his area of expertise changed drastically. It is during this period of intense experimentation with psychedelics that Dr Leary developed his seven levels of consciousness model, which he dubbed 'the Seven Tongues of God' (Nevermore fans rejoice!). This model was later improved by Dr Leary and Robert Anton Wilson, after ingesting more drugs in greater quantities. It developed into the 8-circuit model of consciousness.



Dr Timothy Leary, doppelganger for delinquency.

Dr Leary's 8-Circuit Model of Consciousness

According to Dr Leary, the old left brain/right brain consciousness model is more than just the smart maths side versus the dumb arty side. The left side represents our primal modes, needed for our survival, while the right side represents our more divine levels of consciousness, needed for evolution. While it is crucial to awaken the levels of consciousness of the left side in order to survive, it is not necessary to develop the levels of consciousness of the right side of your brain, unless of course you want to have some fun.

The Seven Tongues of God

These refer to the seven basic spiritual questions.

• The Ultimate Power Question: What is the basic energy of the universe?


• The Life Question: What is life?


• The Human Being Question: Who is man?


• The Awareness Question: How does man know?


• The Ego Question: Who am I?


• The Emotional Question: What should I feel about it?


• The Ultimate Escape Question: How do I get out of here?

Robert Anton Wilson added an eighth tongue – What if there are others out there? This might have severe theological ramifications, because in order to accommodate 8 tongues it means we'd have to picture god as Medusa. Unless of course your god is Cthulhu, in which case there are more than enough allegorical tentacles to go around. But wait, there is more!



Medusa. Gorgon. God?

The 8-Circuit Model of Consciousness

Dr Leary assigned each level of consciousness to each of the basic spiritual questions. He further claimed that each level could be achieved with the appropriate contraband.

• The Bio-survival Circuit differentiates between danger and safety. Infants on this level crawl forwards or backwards. It is stimulated by drugs which offer pain relief (opiates like codeine or morphine).


• The Emotional Circuit is concerned with emotion. This mode of consciousness differentiates between submissive and dominant. Infants at this level become aware of up and down. Alcohol stimulates dominant and submissive thinking.


• The Symbolic Circuit deals with logic and abstract thought. It is concerned with dexterity and handling artefacts. At this level, infants become aware of left and right. Stimulants like caffeine and cocaine stimulate this mode of thinking.


• The Domestic Circuit offers tribal awareness. Leary never associated a drug with it, but others have suggested endorphins. This means chocolate!


• The Neurosomatic Circuit is where things get more interesting. The previous modes of consciousness are all affiliated with orientation within an Euclidean geometrical system. The neurosomatic circuit is concerned with orientation outside of fixed points, such as when one floats in water or when one free falls. Leary postulated that we need this kind of consciousness for when we walk in space someday. Marijuana is used to disorient your perceptions of Euclidean space-time.


• The Neuroelectric Circuit is when the mind becomes aware of its personal consciousness. Leary suggests that telepathy occurs at this level. Psilocybin and peyote are used to activate this circuit.


• The Neurogenetic Circuit allows the mind to become aware of the group mind of its species, or awareness of its collective consciousness. LSD is used to activate this circuit.


• The Psycho-atomic Circuit is when the mind becomes aware of super intelligence, or god. Cthulhu is in the ketamine.

What about Doppelganger?

Just like contraband serves as a shortcut to various circuits of consciousness, I will give you a shortcut to the worthy scenes in this film. When watching this movie, skip to the following highlights and cut approximately 50 minutes of dullness from your life:

• the opening, which has a sex scene and a murder back to back


• Drew Barrymore in the shower, with bloodshed on her boobies


• any scene with Leslie Hope, as her character is the only one worth watching. One of her scenes involves Americans pronouncing doppelganger. Hilarious!


• scenes featuring Drew Barrymore with both a pair of shades and a large knife. Note: both accessories, because when she has only one of them nothing happens


• the transformation scene. Don't worry, you'll know

Director

Avi Nesher

Cast

• Drew Barrymore


• Peter Dobson


• Leslie Hope


• George Maharis


• George Newbern

Rating

When skipping to the suggested cool scenes:

When watching the entire film:

Cherish Your Life: Saw (2004) Review

Conclusion
A grizzly tale, but not a gory one in the horror-porn torture porn gorno tradition of Hostel. Saw is strictly driven by suspense and intricate plot. Highly entertaining and with more twists in the plot than in a koeksister. A beacon of original light shining through the darkness of politically correct angsty teen creature features.




One of Tannie Marie's koeksisters. Tannie Marie ships koeksisters all over America, bringing a touch of Boere culture to the new world.

Plot
Two men find themselves in a locked bathroom, while on videotape. No, it's not George Michael and a member of the Village People. It is Dr Lawrence Gordon (Cary Elwes) and photographer Adam Faulkner (Leigh Whannell). They find a corpse between them, which holds a tape recorder and a gun. Talk about a silver lining. They each find a cassette in their pockets, with their names on it. The cassettes instruct Dr Gordon to kill Adam within a given time frame.

Of course doctors usually save lives, with the notable exception of the South African minister of health, Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang, who rather saves witch doctors and their superstitions. Dr Gordon is persuaded to join the dark side of Dr Tshabalala-Msimang and Dr Hannibal Lecter when he finds out that his family is kept hostage by an evil man.

Review

• For some reason, Saw is grouped with Hostel and Devil's Rejects in the torture porn or gorno (gore + porno) genre. This genre is described as being devoid of suitable metaphor for its explicit scenes of nudity and violence. Personally, I found Saw to have many suitable metaphors and the version I have on DVD is bloody but not gory. Not that I mind blood and guts for the sake of blood and guts, but just to prove the point, Saw features no nudity that I can recall.


• Since it is claimed that the Jigsaw Killer never actually kills anyone himself, the film is highly original. The exception is photographer Adam Faulkner, but I won't give away anything.


• Saw has an excellent plot. I pride myself in identifying the killers in this sort of film early on. Of course, I was right, but only half right. I love being outsmarted.


• The Jigsaw Killer, so named because he leaves the imprint of a jigsaw puzzle piece on his victims, is hailed as the new Freddy Krueger. This antagonist of the Saw series is a person with a terminal illness who wishes to teach his victims the value of their lives by placing them in virtually inescapable situations. They could learn the same valuable lesson by waiting in line at customs instead. The irony here is the victims have a choice between their lives or the lives of others, whereas the Jigsaw Killer has no choice.


• This film attempts to answer the question of what one would do when one is faced with the options of acting civil for the greater good, or acting in your own best interest at the peril of strangers in a life or death situation. For this reason, the Wikipedia article on the Jigsaw Killer identifies certain Darwinian, Nietzschean and Deleuzian traits in the methods of the Jigsaw Killer.


• In contrast with other excellent serial killer films like Manhunter, the focus here is on the psychological ordeal of the victims instead of on the complications of the personality of the killer. This is not a case of finding a new mask and a new weapon for a generic mass murderer and ticking his victims off one by one. The character of the Jigsaw Killer is carefully crafted, but the viewer is not forced to be a fanboy with trading cards. Excellent film!

Director
James Wan

Cast

• Cary Elwes


• Michael Emerson


• Danny Glover


• Monica Potter


• Leigh Whannell

Rating

How Not To Use Subliminal Programming

World war era despots. Banana republic dictators. Aggressive advertising campaigns. All these have one thing in common - propaganda. Propaganda was used as clear as daylight during the World Wars, but lately things have taken a dark turn. I am referring to subliminal programming.

For the past month or so, you have been treated to various amazing reviews. You know they are amazing, because I am doing the Jedi mind trick with you, while giving you the suggestion that they are amazing. You believe they are amazing, because your will power is no match for my will power. I have used all my manna to procure the will power of infinity. Under different circumstances, I would give the suggestion that your eyelids are growing weary, that your eyelids are growing heavy, and you need to close them. But then you would not be able to read my blog, so under these circumstances, I present to you an overview of my fairly prolific blog posts during the past few months.

If you see anything extraordinary in this blog, it is just a figment of your imagination. There are no intentional subliminal messages in this blog whatsoever. If you see anything of that nature, you will dismiss it as a figment of your imagination, but you will enjoy this blog. This blog makes you happy. Almost as happy as Moaner Lisa:


Apologies to the genius of Da Vinci.

You know that this blog brings you the best in horror and heavy metal reviews. Yes, it is true that there are other excellent horror blogs. I know you adore the Vault of Horror for its up to the minute news and lucid writing, of which lucid writing also characterises this blog. Yes, it is an excellent blog. You should visit it often, but does that blog offer you RSS subscriptions via email? The Necro Files offer you this, and more. Vault of Horror may be competitive in the horror department, but only The Necro Files can offer you horror as well as heavy metal.

Revisit the pure majesty of my personal 5 best heavy metal posts thus far:

• Ithyphallic by Nile review


• Icons of Evil by Vital Remains review


• Reinventing Hell, the Best of Pantera review


• Heaven and Hell by Black Sabbath review


• Epitaph by Necrophagist review

Compare them with these visual delights - the majesty of my personal 5 best horror posts thus far:

• The 10 Commandments of Horror


• The Ninth Gate review


• Come on, Hollywood! Remake These Films Already!


• The Shining review


• Evil Dead review

Why this bleak look upon all things from the past? The truth is I will be too busy to update this blog as often as I had been. You can expect roughly one update per week. While you should visit my blog often, for your convenience it is perhaps best to subscribe to my RSS feed via email. I have many loyal subscribers, as you can see from my RSS feed count, but I always need more. I am like the Wendigo, my hunger is never satisfied.


To subscribe to my RSS feeds, please see the widgets to your right. Reader count may or may not reflect actual RSS subscribers.

I know what you are thinking. You want to know what exactly this has to do with the improper use of subliminal programming? Well, there is only one suitable answer.

What subliminal programming?

The 10 Commandments of Horror

What makes a good horror film?

A difficult question. Many a man has lain awoke at night, pondering such a question. Many a woman has burnt her bush in agony. Many a man has lain awoke at night, after being burnt by the bush of a woman in agony over such a question. Some women too, but those aren't the kind of films under scrutiny here. Thankfully, He who walks behind the rows has given us His commandments. Stick to these, up and coming producers of gore filled horror, and thou coffers shalt be full, and thine jacuzzi frequented by buxom beauties.


10. Thou shalt have buckets of blood

And why not? It is a horror film. Most people find bleeding horrific. Horror films should not only exploit that feeling, but also reinforce the idea that bleeding is horrific. People should think before they make other people bleed and before they make themselves bleed. It is similar to cathedrals showing images of hell on the interior. If horror films had enough buckets of blood, no amount of listening to Marilyn Manson at an impressionable age could bring one to cut your own thighs while feeling sorry for yourself. Save the emo, put buckets of blood in your horror films. Buckets of blood work particularly well when combined with inexplicable boob shots.


9. Thou shalt have inexplicable boob shots

Exhibit A (or more like exhibit 32C): Kelly Brook from Ripper, a letter from hell.


I think we're all agreed on this one.


8. Thou shalt have as thine antagonist a male, middle-aged and unsettling

The original (and only) Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) is the benchmark for all slasher flicks. While the speckled teenage hitch-hiker is unsettling, he is not nearly as unsettling as the middle-aged chainsaw wielding unsettling Leatherface. Observe how effectively that film combines not one, but a few female protagonists. They did not break the fifth commandment, which made their eighth commandment much more sensible. Halloween and Nightmare on Elm Street continue with this tradition.

There are some very successful horrors that incorporate children as antagonists. The Omen (1976) series comes to mind. This is because children are evil and we should destroy their souls. Do your bit to prevent a real-life The Omen today: tell a kid Santa is short for Satan, he's just trying to trick them.


7. Thou shalt have fake latex heads

Yes, computer generated imagery (CGI) does have its place. For morphing, for making people leap from tall buildings, for adding explosions, for underwater or outer space scenes. Even for the occasional beast, to give it a radio active glow, or to enhance the buckets of blood. However, nothing can replace real fake latex heads. Imagine Lady Frankenstein without the real fake latex heads. I couldn't. If you could, you should go study 3D animation. Come to think of it, latex tentacles are a great idea too. There's a small yet dedicated niche market for live action hentai out there, and I want to see those people pleased. Not see them being pleased in the physical sense, but pleased in the metaphorical sense.. but those aren't the kind of films under scrutiny here.


6. Thou shalt have ooze

Thanks to the invention of K-Y Jelly, no latex monster needs to be without ooze ever again. People who are afraid of snakes, incorrectly describe them as being slimy. Being slimy is one of those properties that still reverberates within our subconscious minds with something distasteful and unsavoury. We associate slimy not only with cafe Greeks, but also with disgusting creepy things that want to get into your pants. Come to think of it... oh never mind. The point is ooze makes latex more horrific. Slime must remind us subconsciously of Vincent Price's Brylcreem hair. Blood, sweat, tears and K-Y Jelly. It makes all the horror fit.

What is the fifth commandment? Why are there only five commandments, when the topic clearly states there are ten? Rest assured, for those who write commandments work but one day per week. The rest of thine commandments are hither - sooner than you could find a talking donkey. I post with much haste!

Ripper, letter from hell (2001) review

Director
John Eyres

Cast
Kelly Brook
A.J. Cook
Daniella Evangelista
Bruce Payne
Emmanuelle Vaugier

Plot
Molly Keller (A.J. Cook) survived a serial killer incident which cost her her parents and nearly all of their insurance money to replace boats. She is now a student of forensic psychology under a famous author in the field. Surprisingly, her ordeal of a few years ago is not over. A Jack the Ripper fan starts hacking teens in her class. In her class of mostly foreign exchange students, the tension runs almost as high as their suspicions of each other in their quest to find the killer.

Review
I feel sorry for Molly Keller. She has stereotypical teenage angst, she gets all the cheesy lines and she has to pretend she is hardcore. I would say the dialogue is the single worst feature of this film.

Another weird aspect is the police officer working on the case. Yes, you read right. There is a serial killer running amok, but the authorities assigned only one police officer to the case. He has to corner off crime scenes, gather evidence and babysit Molly. No wonder they don't catch the guy all that quickly. Plus he looks like Jack the Ripper himself!

Moving on to the positive aspects: the first murder scene is done very well. Buckets of blood, lots of suspense, looks feasible enough for you to think it is one of your own parties gone horribly wrong. Did I mention buckets of blood? Yes, there are buckets of blood, but only in the first killing.

The actors are largely unknown, but most of them did a splendid job with lacking dialogue. Especially the scream queens - remarkable screaming, remarkable panic attacks.

The ending is a little bit inconclusive. This is not a problem, but on a budget like this it is unlikely that there would ever be a sequel. From the unknown actors used, to the blood that looks like paint, to the fake Rammstein and fake White Zombie bands on the soundtrack, everything spells this is your one shot at making a slasher movie. I would rather make one kick-ass slasher flick, even though it is a genre product, rather than try to be arty with open endings.

Conclusion
The intentional gaps in the plot could be forgiven. However, the unintentional gaps in the plot need attention. This is a slasher genre film, and as such is slightly worse than Valentine. Having a Jack the Ripper copycat killer is interesting to begin with, if they stuck with the genre formula, it could have been better. Still entertaining, but not great.

Rating