17 April 2008

Completely Inappropriate Synopses of Selected Steven Spielberg Films

Spike Lee, in case you still don't get it
Steven Spielberg, one of the most celebrated directors of our time.

This evolved out of a forum game. The purpose of the game is to provide a completely inappropriate synopsis for movies. This inappropriate synopsis should either
  • spoil the plot

  • offend the reader

  • offend the writer

  • offend the reader, offend the writer and spoil the plot

  • be otherwise inappropriate

If you sugar-coated a synopsis with quiet diplomacy and politically correct terms and it still had a foul politically incorrect stench, you are on the right track.

Reminds me of a similar game president Robert Mugabe and president Thabo Mbeki like to play with people's lives, namely give a completely inappropriate synopsis of the current state of your country.

My version of completely inappropriate movie synopses will not endanger human lives (other than my own, perhaps) and is less hurtful. But not much.

I did not try to be as politically incorrect as I could, but I did try to step on a few toes. To aid me in my quest, I looked at a list of isms political correctness tries to sweep under the carpet:
  • ageism – I somehow missed this one

  • racism – check

  • religious intolerance - check

  • sexism – check

  • xenophobia – check

If your toes are hurting after reading these, I achieved my purpose.

The politically incorrect and completely inappropriate guide to selected Steven Spielberg films

Nazi propaganda against the Jews.
Film poster for Jews. I mean, Jaws.

This Darwinian view on the potential outcome of global warming where the whiteys get mauled by a gigantic great white shark for their colonialist ways doesn't have a single brother who gets killed. Everyone knows black people can't swim. That's what you get for going against nature and putting your white ass where Jesus didn't put it. This movie does have a great white, but it's not you. Ha ha, honky! Ha ha!

Close Encounters of the Third Kind
A man and his faeces cake get abducted by aliens who like Jean Michel Jarre way too much. Xenu tricks him with fancy lights, fancy aeronautics and the smell of patchouli to sacrifice his rectum willingly to their advanced science, elongated appendages and culinary skills they clearly abducted from the French. The search for one intergalactic faeces cake to bind them all.

E.T - The Extra-Terrestrial
An illegal alien who actually wants to leave America, the land of opportunity. He skips the tardy queues at the immigration office by calling his parents to pick him up and take him back to Mexico. That's somewhere in Africa, right?

Dabblers in the occult get what they deserve. Amen, Jesus. Amen.

The heart warming tale of a man and his gerbils. Features a few good reasons why men shouldn't cook. Contains scenes of suggested felching.

The Color Purple
In this tale about the ordeal one Muslim woman had to endure during the crusades, Whoopi Goldberg proves that as a black person, she only got that Affirmative Action Oscar because she has a Jewish surname. Welcome to Hollywood.

Freud gets his day when a grown man prefers to live a life of frolicking with prepubescent boys instead of living with a woman of his own age who is willing to smell his farts, cook his food and clean his house. Maybe she reminds him of his mother and living with little boys is easier than living with his guilt. I pray that Jesus delivers this man from his homosexual abominations before he is old enough to wear nappies again. Amen, Jesus. Amen.

Schindler's List
A near black and white comedy based on life in Nazi Germany, which is transformed into a tragedy when a German soldier dies.

Amistad proves that making films about Jewish suffrage is more profitable than making films about black people being exploited. It is fashionable to hate Nazis, but it's not fashionable to hate slave drivers when they are so close to home. The movie features black people from the 1800s. They couldn't swim back then and they can't swim now.

A.I: Artificial Intelligence
One of Hollywood's best directors delivers one of his best projects. Pity Spielberg had to get involved to turn Kubrick's final project into another boy and his alienation (alien nation?) film. Not even the advanced robotics portrayed in the film could make the gay white android dance. Black people can't swim, white people can't dance. Not even as gay androids. Amen, Charles Darwin. Amen.

Minority Report
This is a futuristic documentary about the kind of dystopian life Tom Cruise and Scientology want for us all. For our own good. Amen, L Ron Hubbard. Amen.

Another completely inappropriate synopsis

Yes, the three little pigs is offensive and completely inappropriate. I wonder how inappropriate it is since Green Jelly mixed it with secular rock music?

Now that's completely inappropriate for a niche blog dedicated to heavy metal albums and horror films. Racism, xenophobia, sexism, ageism and religious intolerance is one thing. Actually, they are five things, but secular rock music is another thing all together. I think I crossed the line this time. Don't despair, there will be more heavy metal and horror films as soon as I burnt all my Fleetwood Mac LPs.

Completely Inappropriate Links

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