20 April 2008

Back From the Dead and Hungry For More: Return of the Living Dead 3 Review

Return of the Living Dead 3 film poster from Wikipedia

Conclusion


Zombies, lots of gore and buckets of blood. This is a terrible horror film, but I happen to like terrible horror movies, especially when they contain zombies, lots of gore and buckets of blood.

Plot


You mean you need a plot when you have zombies, lots of gore and buckets of blood? All you need is zealous observation of my ten commandments of horror.

Review


Naturally, an outbreak of zombies means we have to get the military to nuke them. In order to gather all the zombies at an appropriate place for their genocide, you need serious zombie-human diplomacy skills. It's not always as simple as letting them run mindlessly after fireworks or after a little girl in a red hood.

Being a conflict catalyst myself, I don't know much about resolving conflict. I googled a bit and found a helpful guide from mister Jim Murdoch, named the Five Finger Rule for Conflict.
  • Rule 1: Take a hike

  • Rule 2: Remember that when you point to accuse someone that 3 fingers are pointing back.

  • Rule 3: Show no aggression.

  • Rule 4: Remember the love bond.

  • Rule 5: Don’t fight over little things.


The Five Finger Rules for Resolving Zombie Conflict


These rules are adapted and designed to gain a strategic advantage over zombies. These rules are not helpful when trying to resolve inner conflict, because
  • you can't take a hike from yourself

  • when you point one finger at yourself, three are pointing away

  • you are already angry with yourself

  • loving yourself results in hairy palms and god killing a kitten

  • inner conflict often results from big things


Nevertheless, when a zombie holocaust is desired the five finger rules are suitable to resolve conflict. These rules sometimes work with metaphorical zombies like Pro-Life supporters and religious zealots too. No, you can't lead them to a genocide. Politicians need their votes.

Rule 1. The Thumb: Take a hike.
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Our heroes Curt Reynolds (J. Trevor Edmond) and Julie Walker (Melinda Clark) break the first rule of zombie-human diplomacy and opt to take a bike instead. Curt's father works at a military facility where they experiment with 2-4-5 Trioxin gas. This gas brings people back from the dead. And it isn't even Easter!

Curiously, 2-4-5 Trioxin is originally designed to be a marijuana defoliant. The premise of 2-4-5 Trioxin is based on 2,4,5-trichlorophenoxyacetic acid (Common name: Trioxone), which is also a defoliant. This would make the structure of 2,4,5 Trioxin more or less accurate and its name slightly better than complete thumb suck.

2,4,5-trichlorophenoxyacetic acid is better known as Agent Orange. Agent Orange is unlikely to catch on as a recreational drug.

Rule 2. The Pointer: Remember that when you point to accuse someone that 3 fingers are pointing back.
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Curt and Julie decide to break into the military facility to see if what Curt's dad does for a living merits his long hours away from home and his binge drinking. Curt and Julie are miraculously not spotted while breaking into a military complex with seriously tight security. The G-men must be adverse to conflict. They should have a long, hard talk with their guidance counsellors.

Rule 3. Middle Finger: Show no aggression.
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Once inside the military complex, Curt and Julie witness how a corpse gets reanimated. The zombie shows lots of aggression, which is dealt with by means of a hi-tech badminton weapon. Except the gaurds shot like little girls and the zombie gets animate again. He gets up, boogies and mauls half of the girlie guards. Curt and Julie get aroused after seeing this corpse get up and boogie.

Zombie resulting from exposure to 2,4,5 trioxin. Still looks better than someone exposed to trioxane.

The first and worst looking zombie in this horror movie. The rest of the zombies look much better - especially Julie!

The sub-text here is that if you show aggression, your ass would be artillery food, whereas if you don't show aggression, you get to do the nasty awkwardly while still wearing your underwear. Yes, Curt and Julie think Jockey is luxurious birth control. Or maybe they intended to use 2-4-5 Trioxin as a sort of twisted birth control? Corpse boogie kink, I like it.

Rule 4. Ring Finger: Remember the love bond.
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Despite Rule 3, Curt and Julie show aggression while riding Curt's bike. Julie gets killed in the following accident. Curt remembers the love bond and reanimates Julie's corpse with 2-4-5 Trioxin at the military base so they can do the nasty again, this time without constrictive underwear. Or her pulse. Necrophiliac kink, I like it.

Rule 5. Little Finger: Don’t fight over little things.
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Don't pet the sweaty things, don't sweat the petty things. Petty things, like the fact that your girlfriend now resembles a zombie who desperately wants to maul people and eat their brains.

Petty things, like the fact that this newly cultivated hobby is not just a bad case of PMS, but your girlfriend actually is a zombie who needs to eat brains in order to stay alive.

Petty things, like the death of illegal immigrants, who die at the hands of your merciless girlfriend in her insatiable thirst for fresh brains and this makes it really hard for you to adhere to Rule 4 - Remember the love bond.

Petty things, like the fact that you upset a few industrial size containers of 2-4-5 Trioxin at your dad's work and you are likely to be grounded for a very, very long time if giving in to your raging teenage hormones doesn't render the entire country into zombies. In fact, your dad is likely to beat you so hard you won't remember anything for a couple of days thanks to mild traumatic brain injury.

But don't worry, a concussion is daddy's way of telling you he is remembering Rule 4 - Remember the love bond.

Zombies, lots of gore from the goremeister Brian Yuzna (who also did Faust: Love of the Damned and who also produced fellow goremeister Stuart Gordon's Dagon) and buckets of blood!

Director


Brian Yuzna

Cast


Jill Andre, Melinda Clark, J. Trevor Edmond, Kent McCord, Basil Wallace.

Rating


Middle finger of the necro files top horor film review site for horror movies and heavy metal cd reviews
Oops, I developed a 2-4-5 Trioxin habit. My bad...
Most excellent rating skulls from The Necro Files, your one stop heavy metal and horror review. Mindless entertainment with an awful lot of brains. Splattered, that is.

1 comment:

machinehuman said...

"You mean you need a plot when you have zombies, lots of gore and buckets of blood?"
Could not be more precise.

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