27 November 2007

Come on, Hollywood! Remake these films already! Part 2

This is the second part of my list of films I want Hollywood to give a face-lift.
You can find the first part here.

Spiderman 3
Venom makes his entrance into Sam Raimi's Spiderman series. Exciting, since the first two films of his series delivered the goods. The casting for the first few was right on the money, so the appearance of Venom would be awesome! Or not. I know girls who fell asleep during this chick flick. Girls who love seeing beefcakes in spandex. Sam Raimi of all people should know better. Was he trying to impress us with an Evil Dead 3 brand of surreal humour again? If so, I don't get it this time. Just go back and read the Venom comics. In fact, just read the series of six comics I have gathering dust here which feature the origins of Venom, then try again.

The Sisterhood (2004)
A bevy of busty teenage sorority girls are being seduced by an even more buxom beauty who is actually a vampire. How exactly can you fuck this up? The blaring techno soundtrack, for starters. Just because a film has a limited budget, does not mean it has to be cheap. Besides, the filming and editing were quite flashy. That does not look cheap. Why did they give the actors such tacky makeup and clothes? Why do they speak of days before the full moon when the full moon is clearly visible in the background? Even the script is quite solid, the film was just poorly assembled from it. Back to the drawing board guys. Watch Vampyros Lesbos, learn Theatres des Vampires lyrics off by heart, hire Lerue Delashay to compose a proper soundtrack and at least you can sleep easy knowing you tried to do the script justice. A few buckets of blood couldn't hurt either.

This is treading on hallowed ground. The other Cronenberg titles in my collection are centrepieces and I heartily recommend them, except for Crash which is too close to a respectable art film for my liking. This is the legendary one with the amazing exploding head scene. Basically I would love to see the technology references updated, provided they keep the exploding head scene latex and not CGI! Fuck PETA, you need cow and/or pig blood for that scene. Buckets of blood!

Driller Killer
It looks like I am getting my wish, since IMDb mentions a 2008 release for a Driller Killer.
Abel Ferrara is one of my favourite directors, thanks to The Funeral and possibly my favourite film of all time, The Addiction. This being his first film, it is not his best work though. A novel idea for the plot, but it drags on and on and doesn't really go anywhere. You want senseless, gratuitous violence? You can see it on the South African news. Or in Driller Killer. The loathsome punk band featured does not help to justify the film any either. To me, horror has to provide a means of escapism to be entertaining. Some supernatural elements are required. The original film provides no escapism, no supernatural elements and subsequently no entertainment. It does however have buckets of blood!

Spawn takes the number one position on my list of films that need a remake. Mark Dippé directed this steaming pile of crap. It comes as no surprise that he also directed Gigi aka the worst film of all time and managed to somehow help render the life of Alexander the Great into a celluloid snoozefest. Rumour has it his son was 8 years old when Dippé was assigned the Spawn project. He asked his son if he knew this Spawn character, because he had no idea who it was (something which becomes more apparent when one watches his film). His son was very excited that his dad was the director of the film of one of the coolest comics of all time, but probably not so much when he got beaten up at school for the same reason. Thanks, mister Dippé. You managed to take the Faust of our times, and turn it into a Looney Tunes cartoon. John Leguizamo should be commended for at least delivering a great performance in an otherwise dismal waste of celluloid. Thanks for the inspiring work ethic, John. Thanks for helping me catch up with REM sleep, mister Dippé.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Driller KILLER! Lovely Jubely!

I also would, more than any other film ever made, want a remake of Spawn... Perhaps in a Frank Milleresque type of way?? A little bit more comic book like, with better graphics and not so kiddie!

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