Drag Me To Hell DVD Review

Five Lines That Dominate Review

A capitalist pig gringo girl perturbs a gypsy lady (who looks in slightly better shape than Manto “Chaka-laka” Tshabalala-Msimang) by refusing to exacerbate the sub-prime mortgage crisis. That is, she refused to grant people who can't pay their loans extra credit, thereby helping all of us in the long run because our tax money goes to social services (hence people who can't pay won't be out on the street) and the rest of us have to pay no matter what. The gypsy lady does not approve and summons an evil goat-herding Che Guevara communist spirit to haunt the poor capitalist girl. Lots of people get possessed and start convulsing with their eyeballs spinning in their sockets and lots of bodily fluids squirting all over everything plus the kitchen sink. They all still manage to end up looking in better shape than Manto, even while being dragged to Cuba er, I mean hell.

Plot

Elisha Cuthbert likes to live on the edge in this day of Islamic radicals and militant PETA plant pathogens who have too much risk of brain atrophy to control their violent outrage. She does not appear in this film. Woe is me.


The NFL Cheerleaders do not appear in this film either. Woe is me once more. They are a little too old for Roman Polanski.

I'm terribly sorry, but I seem to have lost the plot.

Tapping the Long Tail Review

Screw this. All you need to know is that Drag Me to Hell lives up to the hype. A few minor gripes include the fact that the white meat scene wasn't graphic enough, the ending relies too much on computer generated imagery and the classic switch is hardly an innovative means to drive a plot.

However, this is Sam Raimi we are talking about. He has the uncanny ability to flog a dead horse back into a zombie steed. This is camp, self-conscious and classy in ways that Zombie Strippers could only dream of being. Tally buckets of blood, brilliant music by Christopher Young (as per usual) and a fresh scream queen and Raimi has nearly redeemed himself of the Spiderman 3 heresy.

Director

Sam Raimi.

Cast

Adriana Barraza.
Alison Lohman.
Justin Long.
Dileep Rao.
Lorna Raver.

Rating

Meteor shower sighted in Gauteng

Last night a few friends and I were having a much deserved party after finishing this year's studies. We were sitting outside on the stoep smoking hubbly and having a few drinks. At approximately 11 pm, the sky lit up, becoming almost as bright as daylight. I turned around, having observed the light as coming from behind me, and saw a bulb on the horizon. The bulb was a bright light, with the rest of the sky glowing in blue and green colours, almost as big as the ass of Jennifer Lopez. Astonishing!


This is not what it looked like at all. We could not observe any particles, only a very bright glow in the entire sky. This picture is from the BBC article to give you an idea of what it was.

A few girls were at the opposite end of the building. They came running around, asking if we'd seen the UFO. Apparently they also observed a bulb on the horizon, with the exception that the glow had been red and orange instead of our green and blue.

Naturally, we were curious to find out what this UFO is. We knew it couldn't be ESKOM's doing because they don't have that kind of power. Some party-goers suggested that it's time to go to church, but I pointed out that this would raise more questions than it could provide answers. What is the nature of the UFO?

The Leonids Meteor Shower

It appears that we were fortunate enough to witness the Leonids. The Leonids get their name from the constellation Leo, from which their stream of meteors appears to originate at roughly 17 November each year. The Leonids are a result of the comet Tempel-Tuttle. Tempel-Tuttle is a comet that passes the earth each 33 years. Tempel-Tuttle last passed the earth in 1998. The Leonids are debris in the trail of the comet. Every time the earth passes through the trail, we get a meteor shower.

We thought it could be the end of the world. Naturally this made the beer taste better and forced me to stop giving the other people a chance at Tekken 6. Yes, the Mash Master showed no mercy.

Further Information About the Tempel-Tuttle Comet

• Latest World Wide Meteor/Meteorite News on a blog.


• Leonid Mac information from NASA.


• Meteor lights up Gauteng from Times Live.


• Star Gazers Hoping for Clear Sky from the BBC.

I Know Who Killed Me DVD Review

A Conclusive Five Line Review

This film stars Lindsay Lohan. Usually, that's the worst feature of a film. However, in the case of this blatant Shock rip-off, that is about the only redeeming feature of this film. Utter shyte - unless you happen to enjoy perving Lindsay Lohan. She looks quite fit here.

Plot

A serial killer is on the loose and you know who it is the first time you see him. The killer captures and kills a popular girl. Or does he?

Review

This film received negative reviews all around. I must say it's not entirely without its entertaining features. Lindsay Lohan delivers quite a convincing performance as a teen brat and later as a teeny bopper who lives a life of wanton abandon. Drugs, strip clubs and underage drinking and underage sex. I wonder how much of this was acting? Very Method. Stanislavski would be proud of Lindsay.

The worst features of this film are:

• The editing. It's just sloppy. It is true that the use of colour in this film is quite engrossing, although it is not quite cut from the same cloth as Dario Argento's Susperia as some reviewers have claimed.


• The killer. The guy is a cripple and he gets beaten up by teenage girls. That's not scary. Considering that this film is essentially a serial killer suspense thriller, you can't have a boring boogie man. If you really must have an affirmative action villian, at least do it with style, like they do in Saw.

I'd love to swim against the stream and offer a dissenting opinion, but in this case I'm afraid I really can't. This film sucks. And not in a good way like Lindsay Lohan might. To be honest, I think I'd much prefer to see Lindsay in a homemade sex video ala Paris Hilton than in mainstream films. Except Lindsay can actually act. That's why she gets parole and Paris doesn't.



Lindsay Lohan. Is she really acting when she portrays a drinking drug-binging teenage brat stripper? It looks like she's hiding her tik in her breast pocket, Napoleon style.

Director

Christ Sivertson, the proud owner of quite a few Golden Raspberry Awards thanks to this film.

Cast

• Spencer Garrett


• Lindsay Lohan


• Paula Marshall


• Neil McDonough


• Julia Ormond

Rating

Zombie Strippers DVD Review

Conclusion

At last: the moment we have all been waiting for. An opportunity to see porn star Jenna Jameson with her clothes on. To those in the Middle East, it means an opportunity to finally see Jenna Jameson's face without a veil inserted by some censorship bureau of one kind or another.

Plot

A bunch of porn stars decide to break into mainstream films by doing their usual routine of 'don't look at the camera' faces, 'don't break my nails' gun toting and deadpan, wisecrack humour with the notable exception that they are wearing clothes most of the time. Oh, there are zombies that are naturally caused by chemical weapons of the Bush administration. And sometimes they strip.

Review

There are many technical defects in this film that are like named bullets for the cast in the arsenal of any serious film critic. Naturally, Jenna Jameson has quite a few bullets with her name on them. Yet if you can look past the deficiencies and remember that films are supposed to be about entertainment, the self-conscious nature of this film is nearly as effective as the same approach used in Mars Attacks.

The strong electro magnetic pulse used to temporarily disable the zombies looks more like a free download screensaver that calls home to a website that emails you about viagra and making your schlong schlonger. The porn starlets are so familiar with putting on come to bed eyes that they persist with this mannerism, even when zombified. Yet the only true criticism I have for this film is that it does not have enough heavy metal on the soundtrack. This means that, just like a Spice Girls video and real pornography, the music is the worst feature of the fanservice.

Zombie Strippers offers buckets of blood, gratuitous boob shots and zombies in the Romero tradition, namely zombies as a metaphor for the complacency of the public when it comes to political affairs. If you are the type of person who would pick up a film called Zombie Strippers in the first place, there is not much here that will disappoint you. Not even Jenna Jameson quoting Nietzsche while popping bubblegum.

Director

Jay Lee

Cast

• Penny Drake


• Robert Englund


• Jenna Jameson


• Tito Ortiz


• Roxy Saint

Rating