15 December 2008

Law of Attraction

The Law of Attraction is the kind of snake oil that sells to those who somehow feel absolved when they share ineptitude with others. The most recent phenomenon of this rudder in the calm waters of clear thought resulted from what must be the first instance of a movie that turned into a best-selling book instead of the other way around.

Claudia Schiffer. She wants me, I can tell by the Law of Attraction
Claudia Schiffer. Come to daddy!

The Law of Attraction

In four easy steps, you can be right back where you started.
  1. Know what you want. Women, are you reading this? OK, let's put this theory to the test. I want Claudia Schiffer.

  2. Ask the universe for it. Suggest then that the waves of my thought patterns and the sound waves of my spoken voice are likely to be heard over the cosmic microwave background radation. Suggest also that these waves can travel through the theoretically empty vacuum that they would meet in space. Suggest also that Uranus won't block my signals. Suggest also that the Universe does understand English because I sure as hell am not going to Lisp the bitch. Suggest also that Hawking radiation, the music of the spheres and the noise transmitted from the earth's magnetic field (which swallows my brainwaves as soon as they leave my skull) do not prevent something as abstract as the Universe to hear about my inconsequential but by no means whimsical, unrequited affections for Claudia Schiffer. Suggest also that the Universe has the mother of all Beowulf clusters running, because surely there are hungry kids in Ethiopia, war victims in Iraq, cholera sufferers in Zimbabwe and Madonna who Universe knows needs help more than I do but because of the Law of Attraction all of us need to be served and soon. Especially Madge, she doesn't have that much time left. Suggest also that conflicting requests do not cancel each other out but somehow manage to materialise in tandem by means of a Mary Poppins kind of magic. Then, Dear Universe, may I please have me some Claudia Schiffer?

  3. Behave as if the object of your desire is on its way. Yes, Claudia Schiffer is going to knock on my door at any minute. Any minute now. I'm wearing a tuxedo. I look more stylish than Vincent Price and because Claudia hasn't pitched up yet, I'll have to sleep in my tux. I've chained myself to my bed with an elaborate pulley system so that I would not risk creasing my tux while lying down or getting up. Must look my best for Claudia, because she's going to knock on my door any minute now. My friends invited me out for drinks and dayglo paint filled condom fights, but I can't go in case Claudia shows up. Not even the shenanigans of viking mead or meatshank the bunny to the revolving bed by lava lamp light are going to cause me to defer from behaving as if Claudia is going to knock on my door at any minute. Even if I were invited to live on my own in the Playboy Mansion, with delicately hand picked Playmates who tickle my fancy and fancy my tickle, will I even consider behaving in any other way. Right.

  4. Be open to receiving it. I'm very open. If Claudia walked through my door right now, I'd give her my wallet and my keys and all the sweet petty mutterings I can muster in my broken German and a hushed tone. Law of Attraction or not.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm not entirely convinced that the Law of Attraction is a very practical problem solving approach. Let's demonstrate why by means of a simple thought experiment.

A simple thought experiment to break the Law of Attraction

Imagine that you get to choose the captain for an exhilarating new passenger liner called the RMS Titanic. You have a choice between captain Jack Sparrow and captain Wallace D Wattles. Jack Sparrow has had excruciating and extensive navy training under the Royal Navy. He's a sea dog, through and through. Wallace D Wattles sat in his room all day asking the universe to be a captain, believing that he'd be a captain and being open to receiving the position of captain on your ship. Wallace has never set his foot on a ship and gets seasick on a skateboard. Who would you choose to command the Titanic? Well, obviously you chose Wallace because your ship sank.

1 comment:

Wizard said...

Yes you're right it doesn't work with Claudia. I'm trying the Playboy mansion now :) It reminds me of the story of Mohamed and the mountain. Also I think in the case of human contact the microwaves connecting common cellphones will work better than all that fancy cosmic stuff you mentioned

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