The chauvinist guide to feminism, part 1

Introduction


Feminism. To some of us, just like other excuses for ineptitude, not a religion but a way of life. To others, it is one more reason not to speak your mind, not to honour your true feelings and slowly wither under the weight (and they do have the weight advantage) of political correctness and equal opportunity. Similar in frustration to being stuck in a confined space with a religious nut, trying to put the Christ back in Xmas, when there was no Christ in Christmas in the first place. After decades of cooking our own meals, doing our own laundry and in some extreme cases, even watching soapies, it is time for one formerly advantaged chauvinist to step back and determine how relevant feminism is today, with our negative first world population growth and third world population boom. What exactly is negative growth anyway? It either grows, or it shrinks? Make that first world population shrinkage. But first, he has to try and comprehend what this feminism is.

A definition of feminism


Merriam-Webster defines feminism as either a "theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes", or an "organized activity on behalf of women's rights and interests". Sounds simple enough, but we shall see that there are about as many feminisms as there are feminists.

For the sake of this argument, all the different branches of feminism are lumped together. Please realise that I am not an expert on feminism. I used a quick glance at the Wikipedia article on feminism with the purpose of providing a brief overview of the history of the movement.

Similar to alleged alien invasions, feminist invasions occur in waves (not to be mistaken for blow waves, as only mentally conditioned females partake in preening).

First Wave feminism


This wave deals mainly with the Suffrage movement. Mary Wollstonecraft gave women the notion that they too can make up their minds about the leaders of their country. Come to think of it, they see their children sent off to war so maybe this notion is not too far fetched. Or maybe some lilly-livered mama's boys just wanted mammy to vote them into parliament? It's Nero all over again. In Britain, the Suffragettes were only concerned with their own voting rights, but in the United States, the girls also clubbed together against slavery once they got their voting rights. You can never please girls.

Because men had monopolised violence since the invention of the club and then hid its mysteries from women, first wave of feminism was characterised by the writing of essays, mass demonstrations and denying nookie to their spouse. Cunning stunts.

Strength
They did not need strength. They had the numbers, they had the manipulative ways.
first wave of feminism

Dexterity
Reading, writing, bitching, moaning. Not bad for a bunch of girls.
first wave of feminism

Constitution
Women were still rearing kids and doing the housework. And they did it well.
first wave of feminism

Intelligence
They got what they wanted, and in all fairness they were right. Although I can't admit that girls are right, that is breaking the guy code.
first wave of feminism

Wisdom
They didn't turn to violence and they were still sleeping with the enemy.
first wave of feminism

Charisma
Convinced the men of their time, albeit with a bit of tough love.
first wave of feminism

Hit points
Radical transformation for all society.
first wave of feminism


Second Wave feminism


In the public mind, when you say feminist you immediately think of someone burning a bra, thanks to the second wave of feminism. This wave started in the 1960s. The peanut gallery began equating feminism with a matriarchy. This may or may not be accurate, since certain old boys clubs still run corporations and pay women disproportionate salaries for doing the same work as men.

Now the bra is a male invention, they say. Just like the bra limits the movements of a lady, males limit the achievements of women. Second wave feminism argues that your role as a woman is dictated to you by men. This is where the term women's liberation originated. It is abbreviated women's lib, but might as well be women's lip.

If women have such a problem with wearing a bra, they should stop wearing them. In fact, Levis were invented by a man. They should stop wearing jeans too. Just to be safe, all women should go naked and be truly liberated. Wear only what mother nature designed, decorated and designated to you. Women know what is best for women!

For the brainiacs, The Personal is Political, an essay by Carol Hanisch , and The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan sum up the sentiments of this era.

Giving the devil her due, I agree with the notion of equal pay for equal work, regardless of gender or race. However, I still maintain a laissez-fair system is more valuable than one where a government enforces equality on its people. Now if feminism could achieve a laissez-fair system, I'd marry one and make my own fucking sandwiches.

Strength
Organising mass actions, getting unions behind them and brassiere arson.


Dexterity
Well, it boils down to bitching and moaning.


Constitution
Women started neglecting the household at this stage.


Intelligence
Universities were implemented and strategically targeted.


Wisdom
Didn't manage to loosen the stronghold the old male sages have on this one quite yet.


Charisma
All that braless mass actions took its toll.


Hit points
Some feminists have a valid point, some want to see women as sex objects, some would skin testicles with their bare teeth if they didn't belong to men. That's the testicles belonging to men, not the women.



Third Wave feminism


Well, you see now, actually. Third wave feminism started at some vague point in time, trying to achieve well, something non-descript. The methods they used were not quite as barbaric as burning your own clothes. The movement used methods of well, see, there are talks of post-feminism. And when something is post you know it is over. By now, anyone who is still a hardcore feminist is probably just prejudiced and trying to blame external forces for their own shortcomings. Somewhere along the line, they managed to make men turn to bitching and moaning. Guess it comes with the territory of cooking and cleaning.

During this wave, feminism stumbled upon the notion of female writing. This is a trap! Writing is good or bad, just like science is valid or invalid. Just because a woman wrote it, doesn't make it any more significant than when a man wrote it. During this wave of feminism, it went from being considered equals of men, to being considered better than men. Whatever, standing up pissing or lighting your own farts will never be a neat party trick for a girl. Well, maybe at some of my parties. But that's hardly the norm you want to aim for.

Strength
Of a bear, like Womarshall Bravestar!


Dexterity
Some women are dexterous, some are useless idiots. Same as your average man, really.


Constitution
Dude, seriously. Women don't want to cook, most men can't cook for shit, and McDonalds and Steers are not exactly going to give you the body of a goddess.


Intelligence
Some women are smart, some are useless idiots. Same as your average man, really


Wisdom
Come on, haven't you realised it by now? If you have a stronghold over a man's nutritional intake, you have leverage over the poor hungry bastard. No cooking, no cleaning, no wisdom. But have one wisdom point from a man, because we have some to spare.


Charisma
I'm going to give all women a good charisma score, because some women are simply spanktastic.
Even in Levis, with a bra underneath their tops.


Hit points
Nothing special.


Want to read part 2?


Read The chauvinist guide to feminism, part 2 - Where feminists are wrong here.

Comments

B-Sol said…
Ranking feminists like Dungeons and Dragons characters. Inspired, man. Truly inspired!

The Vault of Horror

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