Best Bands on Myspace

Why the Best Bands on Myspace?

Myspace has long lost its status as a safe haven for emo. Maybe hepatitis culled emo numbers a bit, but the Myspace target marget of late seems to be people in their late twenties who must like rap music, R & B and not so racy comedians. A lot.



The first thing you should do upon joining Myspace is to delete Tom Anderson as your friend. Who the fuck is that guy anyway? I don't want to be friends with someone who looks like he washed his mom's car with his shirt and then put it on as some kind of post modern fashion statement. He looks like he cut his own hair. With a lawn mower.

The second thing you should do on Myspace is to search for metal bands. The bands listed here are mostly unknown, unsigned and willing to give away free mp3s so you can form a good idea of their music. If you disagree with my opinion, I can't help that you have good taste, but feel free to rant about it in the comment section.

The third thing I did was look for busty porn stars and skanky hos, but you don't have to do that. Here are the best bands on Myspace in no particular alphabetical order:

Aesma Daeva

How they describe their sound
Aesma Daeva blends world instruments such as the bawu, a Chinese flute-like instrument, with a symphonic rock backdrop bringing a wealth of musical cultures together.

How I would describe them
I know what you are thinking: who needs another Nightwish? Only Aesma Daeva does not sound like Nightwish at all. They have more in common with Therion, if you kicked out the orchestra and had one decent looking singer with a more natural voice than Nightwish's Tarja. They sound more brooding, like gargoyles coming alive. Plus they gave me free shit for my birthday so I can't exclude them.

Stalk them

• The official Aesma Daeva website.


• Aesma Daeva on Myspace.

Architecture of Aggression

How they describe their sound
The wails from your local priest as his church is burning down around him. Also like your local priest being sodomized.

How I would describe them
I knew priests secretly liked that sort of thing. Copious amounts of tequila and buckets of blood. That's all I remember from last seeing them live.

Stalk them

• Architecture of Aggression on Myspace.

Bile of Man

How they describe their sound
Reapers Ripping Caverns Through Your Mind.

How I would describe them
Rapists Ripping Caverns Through Your Doberman.

Stalk them

• Bile of Man on Myspace.

Bukkake Birth

How they describe their sound
Shit. No, really. They say they sound like shit.

How I would describe them
I have no idea what they sound like but with a name like that, it can't be shit.

Stalk them

• Bukkake Birth on Myspace.

Heart of Cygnus

How they describe their sound
Heart of Cygnus. Not a very imaginative description.

How I would describe them
Their latest release, Over Mountain, Under Hill, showcases their sound which is based on bands who are mostly over the hill and under the mountain by now. That's a good thing.

Stalk them

• The official Heart of Cygnus website. A very fancy site.


• Heart of Cygnus on Myspace.

K.O.B.U.S

How they describe their sound
South African METAL is upon Thee!

How I would describe them
Lemmy from Motörhead on vocals, Mike Scaccia from Ministry on guitar, Johannes Kerkorrel writing lyrics.

Stalk them

• The K.O.B.U.S Myspace page.

Lesbian

How they describe their sound
Yep, the band's name is Lesbian. Why? Well, equally cool names like Black Sabbath, Venom and Pentagram were already taken. But also, the name Lesbian evokes pure, sexually charged freedom - and that's what rock music is all about.

How I would describe them
Freddy Kreuger teaching at a nursery school. This band is seriously impressive. They sound like Mastodon with less sludge and more intricate guitar. Let's put it this way: I am not a big Mastodon fan, but I can appreciate what they are trying to achieve. Lesbian sounds like they achieve what Mastodon is trying to achieve.

Stalk them

• Lesbian record company website.


• Lesbian in Myspace.

Mind Assault

How they describe their sound
Youtube, Jackson, Boss and Zildjian. Perhaps I am confused.

How I would describe them
A fairly interesting mix of genres that doesn't end up being gay the way Trivium does it. A potjiekos of modern metal, with a mix of Afrikaans songs too.

Stalk them

• Mind Assault on Myspace.

Neter

How they describe their sound
Atypical Spanish band.

How I would describe them
Initially, the band played a mixture of Swedish death metal and thrash. I really enjoyed that. Now, they are moving more towards an Opeth progressive rock vibe, which to my ears is less impressive although it is more technically demanding. Still a very accomplished band with an interesting sound.

Stalk them

• Neter on Myspace

Pegazus

How they describe their sound
Not many believed in what the boys were aiming for except themselves. Many critics would say "Classic metal was dead", and that playing traditional classic metal was a bad move and so out dated.

How I would describe them
Like a battle axe clefting a skull. If you like traditional metal, this is one seriously good band. I'm glad they found me on Myspace.

Stalk them

• Pegazus on Myspace.

Pica Fierce

How they describe their sound
Pica Fierce brings you back to the heydays of thrash-metal. Thrash-metal without compromising in its original form - fast, technically, brutal and with no respect for trends.

How I would describe them
Mind blowing. Unfortunately, they seem to have split up.

Stalk them

• The official Pica Fierce website.


• Pica Fierce on Myspace.

Sathern

How they describe their sound
Established in late 2006, Sathern finally took form after 3 years of relentless auditioning and various lineup changes that saw the band grow from a one-man project to a fully fledged band, incorporating the energy of fast drums, dual guitars and aggressive bass with the atmosphere of keyboards and a furious vocal attack.

How I would describe them
Imagine the bastard child of Dimmu Borgir and Children of Bodom having sex with your mom. And her liking it.

Stalk them

• Sathern on Myspace.

Xerath

How they describe their sound
Film score metal.

How I would describe them
A very accessible kind of Meshuggah, mixed with atmospheric keyboards. They seem to have impressed the whole world in a very short amount of time. Film score metal is a very accurate description.

Stalk them

• Xerath on Myspace.

You may also stalk me on myspace if you wish. That's as extroverted as I'm willing to get.

The Brain That Wouldn't Die DVD Review

Rating

Conclusion

A horror film among horror films. It features everything a horror film needs to be great: from the paranoid and panicking violins to the sans-serif fonts. It even features buckets of blood, blonde strippers, brunette strippers, animated corpses and a few gratuitous boob shots. Well, as gratuitous as they came in the sixties. It even features suitable metaphors which provide social critique of the "chains we can believe in" society. The film is in black and white - like most of life, if you just do your homework and check your premises properly.

Plot

• Jan Compton (Virginia Leith, who makes a delectable corpse) is decapitated in a car accident. Her husband to be, surgeon Bill Cortner (Jason Evers) was playing his Decapitated albums too loud and didn't pay attention to the road.


• Dr Cortner is a mad scientist ala Lady Frankenstein who manages to keep Jan's head alive. I promise, no more Jan gave head in the car jokes.


• Jan (or Jan in the pan, as she is affectionately known by fans of this film) goes through an existential crisis. I mean the poor girl thought she was going shopping and here she ends up without a body. I'm sure living without breasts she could cope with, but no nails to manicure? No wonder she starts hating Dr Cortner.


• Dr Cortner decides to look for the body of the girl of his dreams for the girl of his dreams in the cat house. I'm sure it must've been a real catharsis for the poor guy, deciding to buy a body when he needed a body for Jan in the pan's sparkling personality. Besides, how is Jan in the pan going to stop him from having a night out with the boys? Well, Jan has her mysterious waves. Make that mysterious ways.

Review

It is alarming how, for its time, this film capitalised on the fears of the general public for the medical profession. Remember that this film was produced before the first heart transplant was even performed, yet it deals with swapping bodies - or swapping heads, depending on which way you look at it. I guess your perspective depends on whose head it is.

Regardless, with the expected technological singularity, there are a few groups who are beginning to ponder the impact of such a radical change on our concepts of what it means to be human. They fall under the blanket term transhumanists. One of the transhumanist movements is the Extropy movement. Jan in the pan would do well to pay mind to some of their ideas.

The principles of Extropy

• Perpetual Progress: seeking more intelligence, more efficiency, more wisdom, more than being content with a shoddy pad, a big screen TV and free basic health care. Growth in healthy directions as opposed to the decline of civilisation from nations paranoid of communism into nations paranoid of capitalism.


• Self-Transformation: improving oneself, through technology if necessary. Being experimental and proactive in your evolution as a person.


• Practical Optimism: sticking to rational approaches means you can be optimistic about the results.


• Intelligent Technology: because ultimately the industrial revolution was about improving life. To transcend our reliance on nature is divine and technology enables us to do so. Intelligent technology more so. Imagine never having a car accident because cars are intelligent enough to drive you home safely.


• Open Society: meaning supporting social orders which facilitate freedom. This means deregulation, decentralisation of power and free information flow. Hackers like Gary McKinnon will no longer be deported to stand trial in foreign countries for taking his constitutional right of access to information seriously.


• Self-Direction: meaning you determine your own happiness and you do what makes you happy without being coerced into any dubious overseas wars.


• Rational Thinking: meaning you approach any ism with the necessary questions, an ability to work with probabilities and that you focus on innovation of new ideas instead of on the implementation of old dogma.

Of course, this all seems like ponies and rainbows, and in fact it is. I do think for Jan's sake, she should have considered these options before buying into the ideology that she is the ultimate horror. Everyone agrees with Bobby from pointlessbanter that Glitter is the ultimate horror. However, I'm also thankful that Jan did not follow the road less travelled to this fountain of knowledge, because that would make a far more boring film.

One of my favourite horror films of all time and fortunately also one you can download free of charge! Yes, it is legal.

Director
Joseph Green

Cast
Bruce Brighton, Jason Evers, Virginia Leith, Bonnie Sharie, Paula Maurice

Roger Ebert gets a badass review

Roger Ebert has been sticking his thumbs up and down like a Roman emperor since time immemorial. His general premise is that your movie sucks and he goes at great pompous lengths to convince you that it does.

Since I am an avid horror fan, it is inevitable that Roger Ebert thinks some of my favourite movies suck.

Now the tables have turned. I asked some of the BlogCatalog bloggers to review Roger Ebert in 250 words or less. This is the result of the highly scientific experiment. That's highly scientific according to the broad definition of science as subscribed to by Dr Michael Behe, whose definition also includes intelligent design and astrology. No, I'm not making that up.

Eberthator 2: Judgement Day

In typically grand bigger and better American fashion, I made this parody of the Terminator 2: Judgment Day film poster. Strangely enough, when it comes to writing the English language, Americans prefer smaller and not better. That's why I called it 'Judgment Day' and not judgement day. Hey, no child left behind requires some degree of compromise.

Your reviews of Roger Ebert

"Being gay is not a bad thing, unless you're Roger Ebert (the homeliest closet homosexual evar). Two thumbs up where the sun don't shine for him." Krapsody


"Writing about movies is like dancing about plumbing." Jack Payne


"I quite like him, actually. But if I wanna see a movie, I don't let a critic convince me otherwise." Drowseymonkey


"I used to agree with Gene Siskel a lot more than Roger Ebert. There's one thing about movie reviewers, though: there are no experts. Sure, some might know more about movies, but their tastes in movies aren't any better than anyone else's." Ben Hoffman


"I would review Roger Ebert as being totally clueless. Yeh if you are about 100 you might agree with him, but aside from that, if he hates it, most likely I am gonna love it." Lil' Blog of Horrors



"He should take a long deserved vacation somewhere he can't watch films." Wehireu


"I felt, when it was Siskel and Ebert, Ebert's reviews were a bit more of a practical/everyman viewpoint than Siskel's were, which were typically pretty harsh. Reviewing on the web, however, is a whole new bag of popcorn." Thrift Shop Romantic

My babes and badasses reviews

• A bit of badass ithyphallic death metal in the shape of Black Seeds of Vengeage by Nile.


• Some babes in tight PVC as found in the lycans versus vampires film Underworld.


• Badasses who sometimes look like babes in Dr Feelgood by Motley Crue

Babes and badasses: Underworld (2003) Review

Conclusion

According to Roger Ebert: "This is a movie so paltry in its characters and shallow in its story that the war seems to exist primarily to provide graphic visuals."


Film critic Roger Ebert. He could star in the sequel to Zero Wing.

If you consider director Len Wiseman's commentary on the bonus features of the DVD, this is exactly what they had in mind. Wiseman, who also co-wrote Underworld with Kevin Grevioux and Danny McBride, wanted to create a film that resembled an action-packed graphic novel. The war does intentionally exist primarily to provide graphic visuals.

Paltry in its characters? Well, the characters are already werewolves and vampires. They are already half-man, half-beast. How can you possibly have any of them go through a catharsis that compares to turning into a beast? There's nothing paltry about being undead, unless of course you find survival paltry.

Shallow in its story? It took three writers to write this script. The story is so complex that there were lawsuits with no clear outcome over the exact origins of the story. Again, it's an action film about vampires and werewolves.

Plus there are babes in tight pvc. Babes in tight pvc, badasses who can turn into vampires or werewolves with badass guns. Paltry my ass.

Plot

Selene (Beckinsale) is a vampire and a death dealer. Death dealers hunt werewolves, or lycans. She and her partner follow some werewolves into a subway. They manage to kill most of the werewolves, but they realise something is awry.

Werewolves usually hunt humans for food. These werewolves seemed to want a particular human alive. This human, Michael Corvin (Speedman), gets kidnapped by Selene after a werewolf bit him. She takes him back to the the vampire mansion just in time for an entree of cucumber sandwiches and a Cabernet Sanguino.

Michael meets the fetching (very fetching) Erika (Sophia Myles) and escapes. The vampires are upset that Selene brought a werewolf into their mansion. Bloody peasants. The people are revolting, etc.

Selene gets banished for mixing with the peasants (bloody peasants) and uncovers a secret plot. The werewolves are trying to create a vampire-lycan hybrid to use as a secret weapon in their fight against the vampires. But they had some inside help...

Review

Let's see, we have:

• babes in pvc


• badasses with badass guns


• vampires


• werewolves


• a vampire-lycan hybrid

It would be very difficult to ruin this combination. One guaranteed way would be to introduce the soft and sensitive side of one of the characters ala Spiderman 3. Now now, there'll be none of that.

Some great touches are that all the werewolves seem to have facial hair, while the vampires don't. All the vampires speak in posh English accents. I was waiting for one of them to say: "Fetch me some orange shurburt!".

The only downside to me is the performance of Scott Speedman. Yes, it is necessary to have a geeky, whimpy Peter Parker lookalike. It is not necessary to be a Men's Health model. I can see why they cast him in the role of Michael Corvin, but when his character turns badass it's not nearly convincing enough.

By contrast, Shane Brolly is superbly cast as the worm-like Kraven. Roger Ebert is correct, this film is entirely comprised of paltry characters in a shallow story that exist merely for great graphic visuals, but it is not a bad thing at all. It is well-written, well-presented and you get to see fetching babes in pvc.

The babes

Kate Beckinsale. In tight pvc. Somebody call me a doctor.


Sophia Myles. Fetching, very fetching.

The badasses

Kevin Grevioux. This guy is just seriously badass. He also co-wrote Underworld.


Michael Sheen. Hands down, paws down the best actor in the Underworld series.

Director

Len Wiseman.

Cast

Kate Beckinsale, Kevin Grevioux, Sophia Myles, Michael Sheen, Scott Speedman.

Rating

Curse of the Devil (1973) Review

Conclusion

A legendary film with a cult following, also known as El Retorno de Walpurgis or 'the Return of the Walpurgis'. You can't really go wrong when your blood looks like molten crayons and your werewolf costume looks like one of the Berenstain Bears.

Actually, you can go very, very wrong when your werewolf costume looks that Semitic. Not that there is anything wrong with looking Semitic, just that it doesn't exactly conjure up images of a savage half man, half beast creature. I'm talking Ashkenazi Jews here.




Fair is foul and foul is fair. May every Daninsky be covered with hair.

This movie is entertaining because the translation leaves much to be desired and the blood looks like molten crayons and the werewolf costume looks like the Berenstain Bears. Pyjamas and all.

Plot

Waldemar Daninsky (Paul Naschy) accidentally kills a werewolf, thereby fulfilling an ancient prophecy. This prophecy holds that one of the Daninsky family would accidentally kill one of the Bathory family. My karma ran over your dogma who happens to be a werewolf.

The murder sets a curse that the Bathory family placed upon the Daninsky family in motion. The Daninsky curse in general falls onto Waldemar Daninsky in particular. The Bathory family were burnt at the stake by the Daninsky family on Walpurgis night, and from there the return of the Walpurgis in the title.



Exhibit A: Spot the difference between the Berenstain Bears and Waldemar Daninsky (this is Waldemar Daninsky).



Exhibit B: Spot the difference between the Berenstain Bears and Waldemar Daninsky (this is the Berenstain Bears). Taken from Pbase.com

During the film, Waldemar adds nearly as many notches to his bedpost as the average James Bond does, but with far more fleas.

Review

• Paul Naschy holds the record for playing the Berenstain Bear, er I mean wolf man the most number of times.


• In the first half hour, you have duelling knights, a black mass, a public execution by hanging, an occult curse by one Bathory and a burning at the stake. Somehow, this film does not manage to steer clear of the cheese after that either.


• In all fairness, this film is not bad at all. The acting and the set design are both great, and the plot gives a nod to ancient European superstitions. It is made with much passion, but it did not age that well and it is unintentionally hilarious at points.


• At the time, Paul Naschy had problems with the authorities regarding the religious, sexual and violent content of his wolf man films. This is hard to believe - almost as hard as believing that the actors managed to keep straight faces through all the molten crayon blood. The times they are a changing indeed.

There is however one aspect of Curse of the Devil that still applies to our times. This is of course the mass hysteria of the pitchfork wielding peasants. Despite some authors like James Surowiecki arguing that crowd wisdom is superior to individual wisdom, it is clear that as much as crowd participation compounds success, it also compounds dismal failure. In his book, The Wisdom of Crowds, Surowiecki identifies four elements required for a wise crowd:

Four Elements Required for a Wise Crowd

• Diversity of opinion, whereby each person should be privy to his own viewpoint, no matter how eccentric.


• Independence, which determines that each individual is allowed to formulate his own opinion without fear of favour or prejudice or death threats.


• Decentralisation, making provision for localised and/or specialised knowledge, like say the knowledge inherent in the separation of powers principle.


• Aggregation, which is a mechanism for orchestrating the various judgements into a cohesive decision. An example of such a mechanism is Dotmocracy.

It is clear that the pitchfork wielding peasants were not allowed a diversity of opinion, I mean either Wandinsky is the wolf man and deserves to be killed or... no, that's the only option really. They were thus not free to disagree with the mob leader either. Similarly, they did not allow for localised or specialised knowledge, since the investigator sent by the authorities was ultimately not allowed to give his input. Even after he allowed them to pursue their own ways of dealing with Wandinsky, they killed the investigator. There is also a noted absence of aggregation. The mob merely goes from one mob leader to the next, ironically much like a pack of wild dogs choosing its leader by virtue of him being the strongest. As usual, truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense, as the famous quote goes.



Exhibit C: Spot the difference between a real mob and a fictitious mob (this is a fictitious mob exhibiting compound failure).



Exhibit D: Spot the difference between a real mob and a fictitious mob (this is a real mob exhibiting compound failure).

Note the similarities between the real mob and the fictitious mob. The one has made up its mind about who is guilty, who is innocent and no matter what the reality is, they already decided to kill those who oppose them. On the other hand, we have the pitchfork wielding peasants who run after Wandinsky in the Curse of the Devil.

For those outside South Africa who might still be in the dark, try this erudite legal opinion on the ANCYL leader Mamela's threat to kill those who oppose Jacob Zuma.

Director

Carlos Aured.

Cast

Fabiola Falcón, Anna Farra, Jacinto Molina, aka Paul Naschy, Inés Morales, Martiza Olivares.

Rating

Month of Megadeth: Peace Sells... But Who's Buying?

Conclusion

This album rattles the bones in the catacombs of France from start to finish. Megadeth's second album and one of the pillars of thrash metal. The remixed and remastered edition also includes some of the original Randy Burns mixes for 4 tracks. Bitchin'!

Review

This album spews forth a quirky, histrionic bass line followed by a snarling guitar riff and some trademark 'James Hetfield's mother sells socks that smell' leads. This basically sets the premise for the rest of the album. Some glory from the days when each band tried to be faster, louder and meaner than the next while ironically still being friendly enough for MTV.


James Hetfield of Metallica. Megadeth is still a metal band while Metallica prefers making Dr Phil mockumentaries.

Peace Sells... But Who's Buying? was recorded before frontman David Mustaine became a Christian. The lyrics on this album are blissfully hedonistic, ranging form sex, drugs and Satan to mild political satire and social commentary. Now let that be a lesson to you. For supreme heavy metal, you need

• sex


• drugs


• Satan

On the cover, you will find Megadeth mascot Vic Rattlehead, who sits to the right hand of Iron Maiden's Eddie. Many of my pre-teen doodles featured Vic disembowelling various bastions of the establishment. The building in the background is the United Nations headquarters, portrayed after a nuclear holocaust.

The concept of the album is based on an article that alleged peace is easily achieved, but nobody really wants it. The article was written from the viewpoint that if peace were a product on sale, nobody would buy it. Sounds about right.

Useless information

• Guitarist Chris Poland and drummer Gar Sameulson were dismissed from Megadeth after The Red Haired One Dave Mustaine noticed lots of Megadeth gear going missing for crack money.


• Chris and Gar eventually found peace together in jazz/fusion outfit called the New Yorkers.


• Dave Mustaine was dismissed from Metallica after pouring beer into one of their bass guitars.

This is part of the month of Megadeth series on the Necro Files. All the posts of the series are listed below:

• Peace sells, but who's buying?


• So far, so good, so what?


• Rust in peace


• Countdown to extinction

Track listing

1. Wake Up Dead


2. The Conjuring


3. Peace Sells


4. Devil's Island


5. Good Mourning/Black Friday


6. Bad Omen


7. I Ain't Superstitious (Willie Dixon)


8. My Last Words


9. Wake Up Dead (Randy Burns Mix)


10. The Conjuring (Randy Burns Mix)


11. Peace Sells (Randy Burns Mix)


12. Good Mourning/Black Friday (Randy Burns Mix)

Personell

• David Ellefson: background vocals; bass guitar.


• Dave Mustaine: lead vocals; guitar.


• Chris Poland: guitar.


• Ed Repka: cover artwork.


• Gar Samuelson: drums.

Rating