Best Bands on Myspace

Why the Best Bands on Myspace?

Myspace has long lost its status as a safe haven for emo. Maybe hepatitis culled emo numbers a bit, but the Myspace target marget of late seems to be people in their late twenties who must like rap music, R & B and not so racy comedians. A lot.



The first thing you should do upon joining Myspace is to delete Tom Anderson as your friend. Who the fuck is that guy anyway? I don't want to be friends with someone who looks like he washed his mom's car with his shirt and then put it on as some kind of post modern fashion statement. He looks like he cut his own hair. With a lawn mower.

The second thing you should do on Myspace is to search for metal bands. The bands listed here are mostly unknown, unsigned and willing to give away free mp3s so you can form a good idea of their music. If you disagree with my opinion, I can't help that you have good taste, but feel free to rant about it in the comment section.

The third thing I did was look for busty porn stars and skanky hos, but you don't have to do that. Here are the best bands on Myspace in no particular alphabetical order:

Aesma Daeva

How they describe their sound
Aesma Daeva blends world instruments such as the bawu, a Chinese flute-like instrument, with a symphonic rock backdrop bringing a wealth of musical cultures together.

How I would describe them
I know what you are thinking: who needs another Nightwish? Only Aesma Daeva does not sound like Nightwish at all. They have more in common with Therion, if you kicked out the orchestra and had one decent looking singer with a more natural voice than Nightwish's Tarja. They sound more brooding, like gargoyles coming alive. Plus they gave me free shit for my birthday so I can't exclude them.

Stalk them

• The official Aesma Daeva website.


• Aesma Daeva on Myspace.

Architecture of Aggression

How they describe their sound
The wails from your local priest as his church is burning down around him. Also like your local priest being sodomized.

How I would describe them
I knew priests secretly liked that sort of thing. Copious amounts of tequila and buckets of blood. That's all I remember from last seeing them live.

Stalk them

• Architecture of Aggression on Myspace.

Bile of Man

How they describe their sound
Reapers Ripping Caverns Through Your Mind.

How I would describe them
Rapists Ripping Caverns Through Your Doberman.

Stalk them

• Bile of Man on Myspace.

Bukkake Birth

How they describe their sound
Shit. No, really. They say they sound like shit.

How I would describe them
I have no idea what they sound like but with a name like that, it can't be shit.

Stalk them

• Bukkake Birth on Myspace.

Heart of Cygnus

How they describe their sound
Heart of Cygnus. Not a very imaginative description.

How I would describe them
Their latest release, Over Mountain, Under Hill, showcases their sound which is based on bands who are mostly over the hill and under the mountain by now. That's a good thing.

Stalk them

• The official Heart of Cygnus website. A very fancy site.


• Heart of Cygnus on Myspace.

K.O.B.U.S

How they describe their sound
South African METAL is upon Thee!

How I would describe them
Lemmy from Motörhead on vocals, Mike Scaccia from Ministry on guitar, Johannes Kerkorrel writing lyrics.

Stalk them

• The K.O.B.U.S Myspace page.

Lesbian

How they describe their sound
Yep, the band's name is Lesbian. Why? Well, equally cool names like Black Sabbath, Venom and Pentagram were already taken. But also, the name Lesbian evokes pure, sexually charged freedom - and that's what rock music is all about.

How I would describe them
Freddy Kreuger teaching at a nursery school. This band is seriously impressive. They sound like Mastodon with less sludge and more intricate guitar. Let's put it this way: I am not a big Mastodon fan, but I can appreciate what they are trying to achieve. Lesbian sounds like they achieve what Mastodon is trying to achieve.

Stalk them

• Lesbian record company website.


• Lesbian in Myspace.

Mind Assault

How they describe their sound
Youtube, Jackson, Boss and Zildjian. Perhaps I am confused.

How I would describe them
A fairly interesting mix of genres that doesn't end up being gay the way Trivium does it. A potjiekos of modern metal, with a mix of Afrikaans songs too.

Stalk them

• Mind Assault on Myspace.

Neter

How they describe their sound
Atypical Spanish band.

How I would describe them
Initially, the band played a mixture of Swedish death metal and thrash. I really enjoyed that. Now, they are moving more towards an Opeth progressive rock vibe, which to my ears is less impressive although it is more technically demanding. Still a very accomplished band with an interesting sound.

Stalk them

• Neter on Myspace

Pegazus

How they describe their sound
Not many believed in what the boys were aiming for except themselves. Many critics would say "Classic metal was dead", and that playing traditional classic metal was a bad move and so out dated.

How I would describe them
Like a battle axe clefting a skull. If you like traditional metal, this is one seriously good band. I'm glad they found me on Myspace.

Stalk them

• Pegazus on Myspace.

Pica Fierce

How they describe their sound
Pica Fierce brings you back to the heydays of thrash-metal. Thrash-metal without compromising in its original form - fast, technically, brutal and with no respect for trends.

How I would describe them
Mind blowing. Unfortunately, they seem to have split up.

Stalk them

• The official Pica Fierce website.


• Pica Fierce on Myspace.

Sathern

How they describe their sound
Established in late 2006, Sathern finally took form after 3 years of relentless auditioning and various lineup changes that saw the band grow from a one-man project to a fully fledged band, incorporating the energy of fast drums, dual guitars and aggressive bass with the atmosphere of keyboards and a furious vocal attack.

How I would describe them
Imagine the bastard child of Dimmu Borgir and Children of Bodom having sex with your mom. And her liking it.

Stalk them

• Sathern on Myspace.

Xerath

How they describe their sound
Film score metal.

How I would describe them
A very accessible kind of Meshuggah, mixed with atmospheric keyboards. They seem to have impressed the whole world in a very short amount of time. Film score metal is a very accurate description.

Stalk them

• Xerath on Myspace.

You may also stalk me on myspace if you wish. That's as extroverted as I'm willing to get.

Slayer gets the traffic of The Beast!

Read this post while listening to the theme from The Twilight Zone. In an uncanny turn of events, my review for Slayer's Divine Intervention managed to get The Traffic of the Beast!



Woohoo!

Babes and badasses: Review of Dr Feelgood by Motley Crue

While researching Giallo films, I encountered the terms babes and badasses which describe the type of characters you may encounter in Grindhouse films. 'Babes and badasses' together make for a pretty catchy phrase so I decided to make it the theme for this month.

This first instalment centres around a band that is comprised of badasses who look like babes. There is an important moral lesson to be learnt from this: First check which way the spandex stretches before you wolf howl or cat call.

Conclusion

I think producer Bob Rock best sums up this album:

"Four L.A. badasses who used to drink a bottle of wine and want to kill each other".

Fresh from rehab, the not so fab four return with their refreshing glam metal take on life, the universe and everything. To Mötley Crüe, life, the universe and everything revolve around motorcycles, whiskey and strip clubs. It's not exactly Shakespeare, but that's not always a bad thing.

Review

Dr Feelgood makes you want to shake what mother nature gave you before father time takes it away. Of course, motorcycles, whiskey and strip clubs help to set the mood, but that's basically all there is to say about this badass album.

Dr Feelgood is also unique in that Bob Rock produced it and it isn't utter shyte.

A question of etymology

It has come to my attention that the terms babes and badasses may result in certain ambiguities. I will try to clear them up by means of demonstration.

Why make all this fuss about etymology? In a recent post on Thoughtleader entitled “African-American”: meaning what, exactly?, blogger Catherine Parker illustrates some difficulties those of us of African origin have with understanding the term African-American.


Trevor Richards. He is African. He is American. He's a badass. He's a jackass. He is African-American, but he's not black. What's the opposite of a coconut? Maybe an Eminem?

The google definitions of African-American include:

• A person of African ancestry who is also a citizen of the USA, historic countries of origin include present-day Ghana, Angola, Congo, Senegal, Nigeria, and Gambia.
  
  Since his ancestry is from Africa, Trevor Richards is an African-American. He emmigrated to America and became a naturalised citizen, or is in the process of becoming one.


• Many Americans of African descent use this term of identification.
  
  By this definition too, Trevor Richards would be an African-American.


• American-born black man/woman (vs. immigrant from Africa).
  
  By this definition, Trevor Richards' kids would be African-American if they were borne by Alicia Keys in America, but he would not be African-American because he would be an immigrant from Africa. Even if he were black, he would not be an African-American, because he would still be an immigrant from Africa.


• An American whose ancestors were born in Africa.
  
  By this definition, Trevor Richards and his kids would be African-American when he becomes a naturalised citizen and if they were born there.


• A US citizen having origins in any of the Black racial groups of Africa.
  
  According to our courts, South African Chinese people are black by virtue of the fact that they were disadvantaged during apartheid. As people who qualify for Black Economic Empowerment, if they became naturalised citizens in America, would they be African-American? What about their children?

Clearly it is easy to get caught up indefinitely in definitions. Perhaps this is why Alfred Korzybski wanted to do away with the verb 'to be'. Before Trevor gets dragged behind a bakkie or someone burns a cross on his lawn, allow me to clarify what is meant by the terms babes and badasses.

Babes

A term of address for attractive young women.


Babe. Not the kind of babe under scrutiny here.


Leah Dizon, the kind of babe under scrutiny here. Coincidentally, not a bad ass either. Find more pics of cute babe Leah Dizon at cute Leah Dizon.

Badasses

Persons whose extreme attitudes and behavior are admirable. Cool. Wicked. Bad, but in a good way.


A badass bridge. Not the kind of badass under scrutiny here.


A bad ass. Not the kind of ass under scrutiny here.


Mötley Crüe. A bunch of badasses. These look like babes, but they are in fact the kind of badasses under scrutiny here.

I hope I cleared up the confusion regarding my etymology. If not, don't worry, there will be plenty of babes and badasses this month to bring everyone up to speed.

Track listing

1. T.N.T. (Terror 'N Tinseltown)


2. Dr. Feelgood


3. Slice of Your Pie


4. Rattlesnake Shake


5. Kickstart My Heart


6. Without You


7. Same Ol' Situation (S.O.S.)


8. Sticky Sweet


9. She Goes Down


10. Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)


11. Time for Change
    
    1999 reissue included these tracks:


12. Dr. Feelgood (Demo Version)


13. Without You (Demo Version)


14. Kickstart My Heart (Demo Version)


15. Get it for Free (Demo Version)


16. Time for Change (Demo Version)

Personnel

• Tommy Lee: drums.


• Mick Mars: guitar.


• Vince Neil: vocals.


• Nikki Sixx: bass.

Rating

Month of Megadeth: Countdown to Extinction

Conclusion

After the success of Rust in Peace, Megadeth aims for the number one spot. A calculated balance between radio friendly song structures and a scorching line-up ready for immolation makes Countdown to Extinction one of the few heavy metal records with pop sensibilities that won't make you hurl.



PETA protesting against the use of fur. Even though I support seal clubbing, I must admit I prefer women without fur. I prefer them naked too.

Review

There's nowhere you can really go after a record like Rust in Peace. Of course, if Megadeth became louder and heavier, nobody would have complained. But Countdown to Extinction is a very good record, despite being lighter than its predecessor.

The 2004 remixed and remastered version features demos for the tracks "Countdown to Exctinction", "Symphony of Destruction" and "Psychotron". In the liner notes, Mustaine claims he felt a certain energy in the studio after about a week of recording. This energy told him that this record is the big one. The demos reveal just how perfectionist they were at this stage. Friedman and Mustaine tracked their guitars through tuners to ensure everything is perfect for the final recording.

Listening to the album, one can't help to notice this clinical perfectionism seeping through each track. Instead of sterilising the record, it helped to highlight the nuances in Megadeth's often complex tracks.

I used to listen to this album on cassette deck. My dad had a cassette of bird calls which was quickly transformed into a second generation copy of Countdown to Extinction. It made our mandatory game drives much more enjoyable for me, despite the fact that I got a hiding and gave my dad a headache.

The CD – now ripped to Megadeth mp3 for convenience – is in a state of pure digital perfection. Listening to it is truly awesome. Like Divine Intervention by Slayer, I can't really be objective about this record because I grew up with it. If you get a hiding for it, or if you get taken to the principal's office for a record, it automatically scores five skulls.

Useless information

• "Crown of Worms" features lyrics written by Sean Harris of Diamond Head. Mustaine tried to write music in a classic Motorhead style to fit the lyrics. I am grateful that they included this hard to find track on the remixed and remastered version.


• "Countdown to Extinction" is a song about canned hunting. The track won accolades from PETA and other pussies. Canned hunting is obviously much different than frolicking around in an animal's natural habitat with a hand weapon, so in this case I support PETA's views.


• "Ashes in Your Mouth" has some of my favourite guitar solos of all time.


• "Psychotron" is one of several Megadeth tracks about comic book characters. In this case, the topic is Deathlok, the demolisher.

This is part of the month of Megadeth series on the Necro Files. All the posts of the series are listed below:

• Peace sells, but who's buying?


• So far, so good, so what?


• Rust in peace


• Countdown to extinction

Track listing

1. Skin o' My Teeth


2. Symphony of Destruction


3. Architecture of Aggression


4. Foreclosure of a Dream


5. Sweating Bullets


6. This Was My Life


7. Countdown to Extinction


8. High Speed Dirt


9. Psychotron


10. Captive Honour


11. Ashes in Your Mouth


12. Crown of Worms


13. Countdown to Extinction (Demo)


14. Symphony of Destruction (Demo)


15. Psychotron (Demo)

Personell

• David Ellefson: bass.
• Marty Friedman: guitar.
• Nick Menza: drums.
• Dave Mustaine: guitars, vocals, rehab.

Rating

Month of Megadeth: Rust In Peace

Conclusion

A masterpiece. All of the Chinese five elements are in perfect harmony, just like with this masterpiece:



Serrana, by guitar prodigy Jason Becker. He took sweep picking - a technique made famous by Yngwie Malmsteen - to a whole new level during his illustrious career.

Review

Rust in Peace reminds me of Taoism. The three jewels of the Tao, namely compassion, moderation and humility, have very little to do with most metal albums. Still, all the forces of the universe seem to be in perfect harmony when you listen to this album.

The truth about the Tao

Tao means path or way. This is the album where Megadeth clearly defined their path and went all the way too. By emphasising the link between people and nature, the need for rules and order is less pressing. Megadeth found a stable line-up for the first time, leading to a better understanding of their world and their surroundings.

Tao also means the flow of the universe, which is only achieved when things are in their natural order. Since So far, so good, so what? struggled to portray Megadeth in their natural order due to frequent line-up changes and more frequent drugs, a change was needed in order to cultivate the Tao.

How to De

De means active living, active cultivation of the Tao. Dave Mustaine did this by going through a 12 step program. Mike Muir of Suicidal Tendencies (don't feel bad if you don't know them, they're not great) once noted that Mustaine lived at the Betty Ford Center. This time, Mustaine was out long enough to cultivate the Tao. Yes, the force is strong with this one.

How to Wu Wei, or how to do by not doing

Wu Wei means action without action. The act of effortless doing managed to let some awesome music flow from these talented musicians.



Leah Dizon, the Japanese star. Wa wa wee wee wu wei!

All the tensions of giving up alcohol and other drugs created a less tense environment. Loose enough for Mustaine to allow bassist David Ellefson to contribute some songs.
Loose enough for the band to be like water, flowing with the Tao. Soft enough to move a dried leaf, hard enough to shatter stone.

The truth about P'u, the uncarved block

P'u is the uncarved block. In this case, new drummer Nick Menza and new guitarist Marty Friedman are the uncarved blocks. Marty Friedman needs no introduction as a guitar hero, and his leads are superb. By employing the true nature of their minds, Megadeth becomes stronger without using effort.

Truly, the one album that proves where all the talent in Metallica was hidden. This is the sound of one hand tapping.

Useless information

• Marty Friedman previously played in Cacophony with guitar prodigy Jason Becker. Their neo-classical feel and synchronised guitar harmonies took heavy metal guitar to a whole new level.


• Dave Mustaine nearly didn't hire Marty Friedman, because he had too many colours in his hair. I guess a fiery red mane is more metal.


• Jason Becker later played for David Lee Roth. He became diagnosed with the degenerative disease amyotrophic lateral sclerosis and doctors gave him three years to live. Jason is still alive and well today, enjoying the envy of many guitar heroes and fans despite being in a wheel chair and unable to play guitar any more.


• "Hangar 18" is one of my favourite songs of all time.


• The title Rust in Peace refers to an anti-nuclear program bumper sticker Dave Mustaine had read. It supports the notion that nuclear warheads should rust in peace.

This is part of the month of Megadeth series on the Necro Files. All the posts of the series are listed below:

• Peace sells, but who's buying?


• So far, so good, so what?


• Rust in peace


• Countdown to extinction

Track listing

1. Holy Wars… the Punishment Due


2. Hangar 18


3. Take No Prisoners


4. Five Magics


5. Poison Was the Cure


6. Lucretia


7. Tornado of Souls


8. Dawn Patrol


9. Rust in Peace... Polaris

Note: The 2004 remixed and remastered version has bonus tracks which I omitted because I do not own that version. You can find the details of those tracks at the All Music Guide review of Rust in Peace.

Personell

• David Ellefson: bass.


• Marty Friedman: guitar.


• Nick Menza: drums.


• Dave Mustaine: guitars, vocals, rehab.

Rating

Month of Megadeth: So Far, So Good... So What?

Conclusion

Obvious drug fuelled dementia and a failed Sex Pistols cover nearly ruin this album. The band was listening to lots of punk while writing and recording this album, which would explain their lack of work ethic. Not bad, but not great. Recommended for Droogies only.

Review

"502" is the first track on the album that actually sounds like Megadeth really wanted to make this record for anything other than drug money.



Carmen Electra, star of Aerobic Striptease. Megadeth is one of the few bands she has not dated yet. Her DVD does not contain music that matches that of Megadeth, but the video footage is much more entertaining.

"In My Darkest Hour" features music Dave Mustaine wrote in tribute to Cliff Burton, Metallica's fallen warrior. It reveals the tender melodic side of Megadeth, much in the same vein as "Good Mourning/Black Friday" and "My Last Words" from Peace Sells... But Who's Buying?. These tracks follow a similar formula

• An extended and heartfelt arpeggio melody


• A sudden entrance of snarling guitars


• A smooth introduction of Mustaine's manic vocals


• Double time rhythm with more bite for your bark.

"In My Darkest Hour", and the album in general, differs from Peace Sells... But Who's Buying? in that it doesn't have the distinct jazz/fusion influences.

The stripped-down approach to writing and recording taken is the album's strongest feature, but also its Achilles heel.

The songs are mostly diamonds in the rough. They merely hint at the potential greatness they contain. The humble roots of Megadeth's most popular albums, Rust In Peace and Countdown To Extinction are evident, but this album never quite reaches that level of professionalism.

Useless information

• "Mary Jane" is not about marijuana. It is about a girl who dabbles in witchcraft, who then asks her father for forgiveness. Her father can't forgive her and she is buried alive as punishment instead.


• Guitarist Jeff Young is a graduate of the prestigious Musician's Institute, home of Paul Gilbert and other guitar pyrotechnicians.


• "Hook in Mouth" is about music censorship in America. It refers to the PMRC and George Orwell's 1984.


• All new Megadeth guitarists since Jeff Young have to go through what Dave Mustaine calls Rock Star 101. This is Mustaine's way of getting them accustomed to wearing ridiculously tight jeans, poodle hair and high-top sneakers.

This is part of the month of Megadeth series on the Necro Files. All the posts of the series are listed below:

• Peace sells, but who's buying?


• So far, so good, so what?


• Rust in peace


• Countdown to extinction

Track listing

1. Into the Lungs of Hell (Instrumental)


2. Set the World Afire


3. Anarchy in the U.K.


4. Mary Jane


5. 502


6. In My Darkest Hour


7. Liar


8. Hook In Mouth


9. Into the Lungs of Hell (Paul Lani Mix)


10. Set the World Afire (Paul Lani Mix)


11. Mary Jane (Paul Lani Mix)


12. In My Darkest Hour (Paul Lani Mix)

Personell

• Chuck Behler: drums.


• David Ellefson: bass; backing vocals.


• Dave Mustaine: guitar; lead vocals.


• Jeff Young: guitar.

Rating

Month of Megadeth: Peace Sells... But Who's Buying?

Conclusion

This album rattles the bones in the catacombs of France from start to finish. Megadeth's second album and one of the pillars of thrash metal. The remixed and remastered edition also includes some of the original Randy Burns mixes for 4 tracks. Bitchin'!

Review

This album spews forth a quirky, histrionic bass line followed by a snarling guitar riff and some trademark 'James Hetfield's mother sells socks that smell' leads. This basically sets the premise for the rest of the album. Some glory from the days when each band tried to be faster, louder and meaner than the next while ironically still being friendly enough for MTV.


James Hetfield of Metallica. Megadeth is still a metal band while Metallica prefers making Dr Phil mockumentaries.

Peace Sells... But Who's Buying? was recorded before frontman David Mustaine became a Christian. The lyrics on this album are blissfully hedonistic, ranging form sex, drugs and Satan to mild political satire and social commentary. Now let that be a lesson to you. For supreme heavy metal, you need

• sex


• drugs


• Satan

On the cover, you will find Megadeth mascot Vic Rattlehead, who sits to the right hand of Iron Maiden's Eddie. Many of my pre-teen doodles featured Vic disembowelling various bastions of the establishment. The building in the background is the United Nations headquarters, portrayed after a nuclear holocaust.

The concept of the album is based on an article that alleged peace is easily achieved, but nobody really wants it. The article was written from the viewpoint that if peace were a product on sale, nobody would buy it. Sounds about right.

Useless information

• Guitarist Chris Poland and drummer Gar Sameulson were dismissed from Megadeth after The Red Haired One Dave Mustaine noticed lots of Megadeth gear going missing for crack money.


• Chris and Gar eventually found peace together in jazz/fusion outfit called the New Yorkers.


• Dave Mustaine was dismissed from Metallica after pouring beer into one of their bass guitars.

This is part of the month of Megadeth series on the Necro Files. All the posts of the series are listed below:

• Peace sells, but who's buying?


• So far, so good, so what?


• Rust in peace


• Countdown to extinction

Track listing

1. Wake Up Dead


2. The Conjuring


3. Peace Sells


4. Devil's Island


5. Good Mourning/Black Friday


6. Bad Omen


7. I Ain't Superstitious (Willie Dixon)


8. My Last Words


9. Wake Up Dead (Randy Burns Mix)


10. The Conjuring (Randy Burns Mix)


11. Peace Sells (Randy Burns Mix)


12. Good Mourning/Black Friday (Randy Burns Mix)

Personell

• David Ellefson: background vocals; bass guitar.


• Dave Mustaine: lead vocals; guitar.


• Chris Poland: guitar.


• Ed Repka: cover artwork.


• Gar Samuelson: drums.

Rating

Review of Divine Intervention by Slayer

Conclusion

The first real metal album I ever heard, and still probably the best. This is a completely biased review, because I love this album more than I love blonde lesbians making out with me.

I love this album almost as much as I love blonde bisexual girls making out with me. Every metal album I have heard since has been measured by Divine Intervention. The album, not the cow probing or the Elvis Presley U.F.O sightings.



Blonde bisexual girls making out with each other. Just kidding, this is 213 performed live by Slayer. Hell yeah!

Review

This album came out in 1994, the year grunge king Kurt Cobain committed suicide. Grunge was all the rage. Slayer hasn't delivered an album since 1990's Seasons In The Abyss. Since then, they lost a key member – drummer Dave Lombardo. Will Slayer bow down to the slacker grunge mediocrity of Pearl Jam and Nirvana? Nay nay.

Slayer gets new drummer Paul Bostaph to introduce this album with some wild drum rolls. After that, you get some awesome riffs with enough tempo changes to make Yes or King Crimson envious.

The seminal Thrash band is no stranger to controversy. Since the days of Angel of Death, Slayer has endorsed morbid imagery – enough so to cause some critics to accuse them of Satanic and Neo-Nazi views. Slayer adds fuel to the fire with Divine Intervention, firstly with the sleeve. The cover has a skeleton on a pentagram formed by swords – the band's emblem of sorts.

On the disk, you will find the image of a fan with the word 'Slayer' slashed into each wrist. I can just imagine how this lead to much misguided dabbling in Satanism and self-harm.

Various newspaper clippings are portrayed on the inside of the sleeve, with selected words blacked out. In typical anti-censorship, anti-government and anti-religious control stance. Albums like these are like alchemy. They turn you into metal.


Jane Austen, in all her pride and prejudice. Don't let her Victorian dress or her hessian underthings fool you. This lady had a bitter satirical bite. Apparently, she was no Slayer fan either.

Lyrically, this is no Jane Austen novel either.

• SS-3 refers to the license plate number of the car Reinhard Heydrich travelled in when he was shot.


• 213 is based on the dealings of Jeffrey Dahmer. 213 refers to his apartment number.

Reynhard Heydrich. Don't let the fancy suit fool you. This is a wicked, wicked man. Apparently, he's no Jane Austen fan either.

213 also features some of the sickest metal lyrics ever.

Death, love's final embrace
Your cool tenderness
Memories, keep love alive
Memories, will never die

Doesn't look like much, but once you know what the song is about it gets a bit more chilly.

Definitely still one of my favourite metal albums.

Track listing

1. Killing Fields


2. Sex. Murder. Art.


3. Fictional Reality


4. Dittohead


5. Divine Intervention


6. Circle of Beliefs


7. SS-3


8. Serenity in Murder


9. 213


10. Mind Control

Personell

• Tom Araya: bass; vocals.


• Jeff Hannemann: guitar.


• Kerry King: guitar.


• Paul Bostaph: drums.

Rating

The Moral Panic Surrounding Seal Clubbing

A seal basking in the sun. Apparently it tastes like chicken.

Ever since the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (Peta) kicked Glen Benton's ass, I've been intrigued by these vigilante fanatics. I am a recovering Protestant, with a mind warped by petty indoctrinations concerning the dangers of sex, drugs and Satan.

Ever since reading Rock-musiek: Die reg om te weet (Rock music: The right to know) by Dr Rodney 'Die Rod' Seale, and subsequently discovering that his claims were largely baseless and his concerns largely unfounded, I've been intrigued by rock music and by extension, heavy metal.

His other book, Satanisme: Die reg om te weet (Satanism: The right to know), sparked the Promethean flame in my life, and for this I am eternally indebted to Dr Seale. I've since been cautious to jump on the bandwagon of any moral panic, preferring to evaluate the claims of moral watchdogs critically before I do something stupid I might regret later. Like chaining myself to a tree.

Dr Seale's spirit lives on in the war on drugs, the war against terror and Peta's war against omnivorous humans with a penchant for the finer things in life. Like seal pelt clothing. And sex, drugs and Satan. Ironically, Dr Seale's name lives on in this post too.

Good reasons to hunt a seal

Seal hunting happens for the same reasons as any other kind of hunting:

• For food. Contrary to Peta propaganda, seal meat is actually a source of food for small coastal communities. It is simply not true that only the pelt is used and the rest of the seal is discarded. Seal meat is an important source of protein, vitamin A and omega fatty acids.


• For fun. That is, as a sport. Since 2006, the Norwegian government has allowed tourists to hunt seals.


• For profit. Seal pelts are quite expensive. And the more noise Peta and other animal rights activists make about it, the more expensive the pelts will become. Which means, more incentive to hunt seals.

There are only five nations in the world that allow seal hunting, namely Canada, Norway, Russia, Greenland and our neighbours, Namibia.
In all of these countries, seal hunting is strictly regulated. Seals may be shot, but the bullets may damage the pelt of the seal. For this reason, a special kind of weapon called a hakapik is used. It is a kind of club, with a hammer on the one side of the head and a pike on the other.



A hakapik, the weapon used to hunt seals in order to protect the pelt. Apparently, it's as humane as hunting gets.

It is this method of clubbing that gets Peta up in arms. Seal hunting as a tourist activity is only allowed in Norway, and then never with a hakapik. Tourist hunters are only allowed to shoot the seals, since clubbing requires a specific technique to minimise pain to the seal.



Some animal rights activists acting like animals. Solidarity, brother!

Reasons not to hunt a seal

Besides running the risk of being harassed by fanatics like Peta.

• For moral reasons. If you find seal hunting morally objectionable, you would have to be a vegan. Research has shown that clubbing or shooting a seal in the wild is no more painful than killing an animal in an abattoir. If you eat meat, but you feel sick every time you see a seal being clubbed in the press, I would seriously doubt your integrity.


• For environmental reasons. Seals are not endangered. This is another myth spread by animal rights activists. There are more environmental reasons to allow seal hunting than to ban seal hunting. Seals could seriously impact the number of cod in the water. Seal hunting quotas are largely determined by culling needs.

Clubby the Seal

This is a game I found at Free Online Games. Enjoy!

Conclusion

Seal hunting, just like any hunting, offers the prey a sporting chance. Personally, I find it more morally objectionable to domesticate animals purely for the sake of eating them than to go out in the wild, in excruciating conditions, with a hand weapon, chasing after an animal in its own habitat. While synthetic materials do offer the same function as pelt, they may contain dangerous toxins with more environmental impact than biodegradable and reusable pelt.

The seal hunting thing is just another moral panic. A moral panic is a public outcry, echoing the belief that a group of people are deviant and pose a threat to society, without any basis for such a claim. Since seals are not endangered, clubbing causes as much anguish as killing animals in an abattoir and seal hunting offers a livelihood to human beings (who take precedence over animals if you ask me), there is no valid reason to stop seal hunting.

Related links

• An environmentalist claims seal hunting is less dangerous than the distorted facts animal rights activists give to the public.


• Harpseals.org, volunteers who take action against seal hunting. Sounds dangerous to get in their way.


• iStockPhoto, for the image of the seal basking in the sun.


• The official Peta website. Peta makes about $25 million per year. Maybe I'd chain myself to a baby seal for that.


• The Wikipedia page on seal hunting.

The Apostasy (2007) by Behemoth Review

Conclusion

Want to know the definition of apostasy? Read on.

The usual blackened death or deathened black sound of Behemoth executed with some interesting production ideas. A band that keeps pushing themselves, this is their strongest release yet. Inferno spent quality time with the drum kit. Classical Polish pianist Leszek Możdżer and Nevermore singer Warrel Dane guest star. Brutal.

Review

apostasy
Main Entry: apos-ta-sy
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural apos-ta-sies
Etymology: Middle English apostasie, from Late Latin apostasia, from Greek, literally, revolt, from apistasthai to revolt, from apo- + histasthai to stand.
Date: 14th century

1. renunciation of a religious faith


2. abandonment of a previous loyalty

From the Merriam-Webster definition of apostasy.

ennui
Main Entry: en-nui
Pronunciation: \än-'wē\
Function: noun
Etymology: French, from the Old French enui annoyance, from enuier to vex, from Late Latin inodiare to make loathsome.
Date: 1732

1. a feeling of weariness and dissatisfaction


2. the feeling I get when I see people giving definitions when they are hardly necessary

From the Merriam-Webster definition of ennui. Sort of.

brutal
Main Entry: bru-tal
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French or Medieval Latin; Middle French, from Medieval Latin brutalis, from Latin brutus.
Date: 15th century

1. archaic: typical of beasts


2. befitting a brute: as a: grossly ruthless or unfeeling (a brutal slander) b: cruel, cold-blooded (a brutal attack)


3. heavy metal

From the Merriam-Webster definition of brutal. Sort of.

video
Main Entry: vid-eo
Function: noun
Etymology: Latin vidëre to see + -o (as in audio).
Date: 1937

1. the visual portion of television


2. videotape: as a: a recording of a motion picture or television program for playing through a television set b: a videotaped performance of a song often featuring an interpretation of the lyrics through visual images


3. a recording similar to a videotape but stored in digital form (as on an optical disk or a computer's hard drive)


4. just watch the video and know that the Apostasy is brutal

From the Merriam-Webster definition of video. Sort of.


Some guy made this video for At The Left Hand Ov God, a single of sorts from the album. It has gargoyles and other grotesque statues in it. No, I'm not going to post the definition of a gargoyle too. Look it up you buffoon! For more words to look up, try my Shakespearian insult monger, but if you need definitions like these all the time you might want to find out who Shakespeare was first.

Track listing

1. Rome 64 C.E.


2. Slaying the Prophets ov Isa


3. Prometherion


4. At the Left Hand ov God


5. Kriegsphilosophie


6. Be Without Fear


7. Arcana Hereticae


8. Libertheme


9. Inner Sanctum


10. Pazuzu


11. Christgrinding Avenue

Personell

Adam “Nergal” Darski: lead vocals; electric and acoustic guitars.
Tomasz “Orion” Wróblewski: bass guitar; backing vocals. Also try Vesania.
Zbigniew Robert “Inferno” Promiński: drums; percussion.
Patryk “Seth” Sztyber: guitars; backing vocals.
Leszek Możdżer: piano.
Warrel Dane: guest vocals.
Graal: shitload of photoshop filters for the cover and the booklet.

Rating

Related Links

• Behemoth on Myspace.


• My Vesania review.


• The official Behemoth website.

Watch My Monster Cock

It Is True - I Have a Monster Cock

My monster cock is from a planet of giant cocks. This gigantic cock obtained illicit entry into South Africa through a backdoor.

I raised my monster cock, hiding him from the authorities, until my monster cock became too big to contain in my humble abode. A famous producer saw my monster cock. From that day on, my monster cock starred in his own movies.

You can imagine what kind of movies my monster cock likes making. Yes, you guessed it - creature features!


Cockzilla, a movie starring my monster cock. It lost a 'c' during translation.


My monster cock unleashed nearly as much damage as Godzilla unleashed.


A monster cock facial. Even in Hollywood, they keep spelling his name wrong.

My monster cock likes facials. He says monster cock facials highlight his eyes.

Teaching My Monster Cock New Tricks

My monster cock is not only big, hard and useful for lifting heavy metal objects. I managed to train my cock to read and write. This means that my monster cock is always ready and willing to slip between the covers of a good book.

However, when it comes to working with a computer, my monster cock goes limp.


Cockzilla tries to work at the console.


Cockzilla discovered Scarlett Johansson. Well, he tried. Seems like my monster cock can't spell either.

While my monster cock is useful for lifting heavy metal objects, you came here lured by the promise of heavy metal bands and top class horror DVD reviews. Fear not, for my monster cock found this jam session by an up and coming death metal band from South Africa. They are called Bile of Man:

Bile of Man Jam Session

Brutal. You found some heavy metal after all!

Recommended Links

• Bile of Man official website.


• Godzilla profile.


• Scarlett Johansson website. Not sure if it is official.

Iron Maiden Live After Death DVD Review

What does a hot milf have to do with Iron Maiden? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I put in random hot milfs and text with hot hot porn saki saki hot sex midget sex alien lesbian tentacle sex milf sex milf hunt on my site to get hits.

Conclusion

No broken home should be without one.

Iron Maiden “Live After Death” DVD

The legendary “Live After Death” concert from 1984. It has the sickest cover in metal history. Looking at it is like someone casting my hand in the metal hand sign.



It was previously released on VHS. Surviving video cassette copies are as scarce as decent Metallica albums after Cliff Burton died. The Irons have never done it small, with the notable exception of a few tasteful Asian groupies perhaps.

If you ever woke up after a really rough night only to discover the foul stench of camel dung and the mesmerising panorama of the sun rising over the sphinx, you might experience a sense of deja-voodoo when you witness the stage décor.

You might also consider cutting down a little on the partying.

There are Eddies here colossal enough to take on all the Transformers. They are nearly robust enough to take on Andrea Dworkin and live to tell the tale.


Andrea Dworkin. Gladiators, are you ready?

Highlights

• The epic mullet of Bruce Dickinson.


• Iron Maiden's god-like spandex immunity.


• In the Martin Birch produced stereo audio setting, you can get Dave Murray's guitar through the left speaker, and Adrian Smith's guitar through the right speaker. Multiple eargasms!


• Kevin Shirley did a 5.1 Dobly Surround Sound Satan-O-Phonic mix, but I didn't bother because Kevin Shirley tried to turn Dream Theater into Marillion.


• On the bonus disk (which has a shitload on it), a Polish gent tells Bruce that he wants to mek havee mettle with a synthesiser. Bruce responds with: “No. You can't play heavy metal with a synthesiser.” Well, you can't.


• Scream for me Long Beach!


• Did I mention the cover is awesome?


• Unholy fuck it's an Iron Maiden DVD!! How much more convincing do you need? Infidel!

”Scream for me Long Beach!”

Rating

W.A.S.P - The Crimson Idol (1992) review

Like my reviews? Please consider stumbling my blog:

StumpleUpon my blog

Review
You might argue that W.A.S.P is in fact hair metal, or at best shock rock. I maintain there's a world of a difference between the lawlessness of W.A.S.P and the sugary radio friendly ballads of Poison that make Bon Jovi seem loud. It's all relative. When the likes of Mötley "umlaut" Crüe, W.A.S.P and Venom came around, they were doing something outrageous for their time. When Poison came along, they were cashing in on the popularity of the Crüe, minus the risk of arson to their hotel. W.A.S.P is pure heavy metal, Poison is good business sense.

The Crimson Idol was originally conceived as a Blackie Lawless solo album. The reasons were that Blackie had been the only remaining member left in the band by the time the nineties came around, with the rest succumbed to drugs, rehab or foul, tempting wenches. One of these succubi is Chris Holmes, as you can plainly see:



Corporate pressures ensured that Blackie put the W.A.S.P moniker on the album, due to the marketing stunt known as branding. Critics disregard the Idol as a lacklustre attempt, but what do critics know anyway? Critics are spineless, megalomaniacs who couldn't write a song if Cthulhu put them to sleep and they woke up with the sheet music in their hands. Critics couldn't hold a tune if it were duct taped... to... their... foreheads. Wait, something about a pot and a kettle?

Moving along swiftly. The Crimson Idol is a concept album, written by a rock star, about the life of a rock star. Now this fained attempt at metarockstardom might seem revolutionary to those unfamiliar with Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars or the Monkees, but it's really flogging a dead horse. Imagine how much this horse resembled biltong by the time Marilyn Manson made Antichrist Superstar, several years after the Crimson Idol came out. As far as concept albums go, the first popular one is arguably Tommy by The Who. Tommy has a fairly captivating story about a deaf, dumb, blind kid who drowns but didn't literally drown since drowning here is a metaphor for getting over your ego and becoming one with the one true ideal ego, young grasshopper. The songwriting is excellent and the standard of musicianship is high. These aspects are also found in the Crimson Idol. What it lacks in concept is definitely compensated for in the songwriting department. It might just be my imagination, or my love for Tommy (now don't read anything into that, emo), but the drums on Crimson Idol remind me of the unmistakable drumming of Keith Moon on many of the songs.

Like all true heavy metal albums, this album has its obligatory share of power ballads. It might be a good idea to have something flammable handy so you could sway a light from side to side during these. Like a cat. Clean singing has lately fallen out of favour with metal bands outside of Europe (the band and the continent). However, there is but one Rob Halford, and but one Blackie Lawless. Blackie manages to find the balance between writing a plain song and experimenting with a bit of complexity without compromising either.

Conclusion
Feast your ears on the Tommy of the nineties. On the Dimmu Borgir DVD, you will hear W.A.S.P ringing through the tour bus and the corridors on several occasions. Most bands do not know their roots, this is why they try to reinvent the wheel around every turn. If the metalcore/rap metal/mallcore bands had W.A.S.P ringing through their tour bus instead of the occasional Metallica and idiotic (c)rap, they would be inventing Harley Davidsons instead of kick scooters. The RDA of W.A.S.P is two tracks, three times a day. It is the cure that most bands desperately need to be more than second rate cover bands. Baby steps. The Crimson Idol brings out the manimal in you.

Track listing

1. The Titanic Overture


2. The Invisible Boy


3. Arena of Pleasure


4. Chainsaw Charlie (Murders in the New Morgue)


5. The Gypsy Meets the Boy


6. Doctor Rockter


7. I Am One


8. The Idol


9. Hold on to my Heart


10. The Great Misconceptions of Me

Personell
Blackie Lawless: vocals; guitars; bass guitar; keyboards.
Bob Kulick: lead guitar.
Frankie Banali: drums.
Stet Howland: drums.

Rating

Necrophagist - Epitaph (2004) review

Review
Since the days Ritchie Blackmore played classically inspired leads for Deep Purple, a neo-classical movement has erupted in popular music. Yngwie Malmsteen became synonymous with the movement thanks to his high level of technical virtuosity, particularly his sweep arpeggios. Since then, the cheese has been cut back considerably but the sweep picking technique remains a trusted item in the metal guitarist bag of tricks.

Necrophagist released their debut, Onset of Putrefaction, in 1999. Suiçmez played and recorded most of the instruments on the album and left the drum duties to Steve Jobs. The sound on the album is lacking, and of course for this kind of music having a machine do any work is a disgrace. The album has recently been re-recorded by Suiçmez, who was never pleased with its sound. Despite this, the album caught on well with fans of brutally technical music.

Following the relative success of Onset of Putrefaction, Suiçmez assembled a band of session musicians and toured extensively. Epitaph was recorded after the tour, mostly with live musicians.

You will be completely arpeggionated after listening to Epitaph. Suiçmez is an incredibly skilled and amazingly tasteful guitarist - enough so that Ibanez designed their Xiphos guitar with him:



The lyrics deal with your standard death metal fanfare of death and destruction. That much is compulsory, but the riffs drip with melody. All the arpeggios provided by guitarist and bassist (and one could almost claim the drummer too) are enough to confuse a nest of killer bees. There is a feeling of very strictly organised chaos in every track. Picture the nest of killer bees getting confused and then proceeding to fly along sine graphs, cosine graphs and a host of other hypnotic trajectories to torment a ferret on a raft in the Limpopo river. Despite the fact that Africa does not have killer bees. Or ferrets. Basically, imagine extremely mathematical noise.

Conclusion
Suiçmez is a fair vocalist, clearly from the Melissa Cross school of screeching, but applies these methods to gargling and growling. The technical skills on display with this album are on par with that of Vital Remains, with Necrophagist being far less brutal. It lends itself to the Cynic school of odd rhythms, syncopated palm mutes and aristocratic drumming. There is a great variety of styles on display. Even though the album is barely longer than half an hour, it doesn't leave one with a feeling of emptiness once it is over. In fact, you want to listen to it on repeat.

Track listing

1. Stabwound


2. The Stillborn One


3. Ignominious & Pale


4. Diminished to B


5. Epitaph


6. Only Ash Remains


7. Seven


8. Symbiotic in Theory

Personell
Muhammed Suiçmez: Guitar; vocals.
Christian Muenzner: Guitar.
Stefan Fimmers: Bass guitar.
Hannes Grossmann: Drums.

And in case you were wondering, my personality type:

INTJ - "Mastermind". Introverted intellectual with a preference for finding certainty. A builder of systems and the applier of theoretical models. 2.1% of total population.

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

Rating