Babes and badasses: Underworld (2003) Review

Conclusion

According to Roger Ebert: "This is a movie so paltry in its characters and shallow in its story that the war seems to exist primarily to provide graphic visuals."


Film critic Roger Ebert. He could star in the sequel to Zero Wing.

If you consider director Len Wiseman's commentary on the bonus features of the DVD, this is exactly what they had in mind. Wiseman, who also co-wrote Underworld with Kevin Grevioux and Danny McBride, wanted to create a film that resembled an action-packed graphic novel. The war does intentionally exist primarily to provide graphic visuals.

Paltry in its characters? Well, the characters are already werewolves and vampires. They are already half-man, half-beast. How can you possibly have any of them go through a catharsis that compares to turning into a beast? There's nothing paltry about being undead, unless of course you find survival paltry.

Shallow in its story? It took three writers to write this script. The story is so complex that there were lawsuits with no clear outcome over the exact origins of the story. Again, it's an action film about vampires and werewolves.

Plus there are babes in tight pvc. Babes in tight pvc, badasses who can turn into vampires or werewolves with badass guns. Paltry my ass.

Plot

Selene (Beckinsale) is a vampire and a death dealer. Death dealers hunt werewolves, or lycans. She and her partner follow some werewolves into a subway. They manage to kill most of the werewolves, but they realise something is awry.

Werewolves usually hunt humans for food. These werewolves seemed to want a particular human alive. This human, Michael Corvin (Speedman), gets kidnapped by Selene after a werewolf bit him. She takes him back to the the vampire mansion just in time for an entree of cucumber sandwiches and a Cabernet Sanguino.

Michael meets the fetching (very fetching) Erika (Sophia Myles) and escapes. The vampires are upset that Selene brought a werewolf into their mansion. Bloody peasants. The people are revolting, etc.

Selene gets banished for mixing with the peasants (bloody peasants) and uncovers a secret plot. The werewolves are trying to create a vampire-lycan hybrid to use as a secret weapon in their fight against the vampires. But they had some inside help...

Review

Let's see, we have:

• babes in pvc


• badasses with badass guns


• vampires


• werewolves


• a vampire-lycan hybrid

It would be very difficult to ruin this combination. One guaranteed way would be to introduce the soft and sensitive side of one of the characters ala Spiderman 3. Now now, there'll be none of that.

Some great touches are that all the werewolves seem to have facial hair, while the vampires don't. All the vampires speak in posh English accents. I was waiting for one of them to say: "Fetch me some orange shurburt!".

The only downside to me is the performance of Scott Speedman. Yes, it is necessary to have a geeky, whimpy Peter Parker lookalike. It is not necessary to be a Men's Health model. I can see why they cast him in the role of Michael Corvin, but when his character turns badass it's not nearly convincing enough.

By contrast, Shane Brolly is superbly cast as the worm-like Kraven. Roger Ebert is correct, this film is entirely comprised of paltry characters in a shallow story that exist merely for great graphic visuals, but it is not a bad thing at all. It is well-written, well-presented and you get to see fetching babes in pvc.

The babes

Kate Beckinsale. In tight pvc. Somebody call me a doctor.


Sophia Myles. Fetching, very fetching.

The badasses

Kevin Grevioux. This guy is just seriously badass. He also co-wrote Underworld.


Michael Sheen. Hands down, paws down the best actor in the Underworld series.

Director

Len Wiseman.

Cast

Kate Beckinsale, Kevin Grevioux, Sophia Myles, Michael Sheen, Scott Speedman.

Rating

Curse of the Devil (1973) Review

Conclusion

A legendary film with a cult following, also known as El Retorno de Walpurgis or 'the Return of the Walpurgis'. You can't really go wrong when your blood looks like molten crayons and your werewolf costume looks like one of the Berenstain Bears.

Actually, you can go very, very wrong when your werewolf costume looks that Semitic. Not that there is anything wrong with looking Semitic, just that it doesn't exactly conjure up images of a savage half man, half beast creature. I'm talking Ashkenazi Jews here.




Fair is foul and foul is fair. May every Daninsky be covered with hair.

This movie is entertaining because the translation leaves much to be desired and the blood looks like molten crayons and the werewolf costume looks like the Berenstain Bears. Pyjamas and all.

Plot

Waldemar Daninsky (Paul Naschy) accidentally kills a werewolf, thereby fulfilling an ancient prophecy. This prophecy holds that one of the Daninsky family would accidentally kill one of the Bathory family. My karma ran over your dogma who happens to be a werewolf.

The murder sets a curse that the Bathory family placed upon the Daninsky family in motion. The Daninsky curse in general falls onto Waldemar Daninsky in particular. The Bathory family were burnt at the stake by the Daninsky family on Walpurgis night, and from there the return of the Walpurgis in the title.



Exhibit A: Spot the difference between the Berenstain Bears and Waldemar Daninsky (this is Waldemar Daninsky).



Exhibit B: Spot the difference between the Berenstain Bears and Waldemar Daninsky (this is the Berenstain Bears). Taken from Pbase.com

During the film, Waldemar adds nearly as many notches to his bedpost as the average James Bond does, but with far more fleas.

Review

• Paul Naschy holds the record for playing the Berenstain Bear, er I mean wolf man the most number of times.


• In the first half hour, you have duelling knights, a black mass, a public execution by hanging, an occult curse by one Bathory and a burning at the stake. Somehow, this film does not manage to steer clear of the cheese after that either.


• In all fairness, this film is not bad at all. The acting and the set design are both great, and the plot gives a nod to ancient European superstitions. It is made with much passion, but it did not age that well and it is unintentionally hilarious at points.


• At the time, Paul Naschy had problems with the authorities regarding the religious, sexual and violent content of his wolf man films. This is hard to believe - almost as hard as believing that the actors managed to keep straight faces through all the molten crayon blood. The times they are a changing indeed.

There is however one aspect of Curse of the Devil that still applies to our times. This is of course the mass hysteria of the pitchfork wielding peasants. Despite some authors like James Surowiecki arguing that crowd wisdom is superior to individual wisdom, it is clear that as much as crowd participation compounds success, it also compounds dismal failure. In his book, The Wisdom of Crowds, Surowiecki identifies four elements required for a wise crowd:

Four Elements Required for a Wise Crowd

• Diversity of opinion, whereby each person should be privy to his own viewpoint, no matter how eccentric.


• Independence, which determines that each individual is allowed to formulate his own opinion without fear of favour or prejudice or death threats.


• Decentralisation, making provision for localised and/or specialised knowledge, like say the knowledge inherent in the separation of powers principle.


• Aggregation, which is a mechanism for orchestrating the various judgements into a cohesive decision. An example of such a mechanism is Dotmocracy.

It is clear that the pitchfork wielding peasants were not allowed a diversity of opinion, I mean either Wandinsky is the wolf man and deserves to be killed or... no, that's the only option really. They were thus not free to disagree with the mob leader either. Similarly, they did not allow for localised or specialised knowledge, since the investigator sent by the authorities was ultimately not allowed to give his input. Even after he allowed them to pursue their own ways of dealing with Wandinsky, they killed the investigator. There is also a noted absence of aggregation. The mob merely goes from one mob leader to the next, ironically much like a pack of wild dogs choosing its leader by virtue of him being the strongest. As usual, truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense, as the famous quote goes.



Exhibit C: Spot the difference between a real mob and a fictitious mob (this is a fictitious mob exhibiting compound failure).



Exhibit D: Spot the difference between a real mob and a fictitious mob (this is a real mob exhibiting compound failure).

Note the similarities between the real mob and the fictitious mob. The one has made up its mind about who is guilty, who is innocent and no matter what the reality is, they already decided to kill those who oppose them. On the other hand, we have the pitchfork wielding peasants who run after Wandinsky in the Curse of the Devil.

For those outside South Africa who might still be in the dark, try this erudite legal opinion on the ANCYL leader Mamela's threat to kill those who oppose Jacob Zuma.

Director

Carlos Aured.

Cast

Fabiola Falcón, Anna Farra, Jacinto Molina, aka Paul Naschy, Inés Morales, Martiza Olivares.

Rating