Five reasons why Prince of Persia is awesome

This is a guest post by Sally Partridge. I'm a little confused because the last Prince of Persia I played consisted of a little pixelated Persian running zig-zag up and down stairs, hanging from floors and breaking through ceilings. Those were the days. Now apparently there's a film out: Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time.

1. Jake Gyllenhaal

Jake has left gay cowboy territory far behind and stepped into the realm of hot skirt wearing men ala Brad Pitt and Eric Bana in Troy, the fellas from 300 and even, although to a far lesser extent, Russell Crowe in Gladiator.

I felt a small twinge of guilt admiring Taylor Lautner's naked, bronzed chest in New Moon but that adolescent fantasy got swept through the door when Jake entered the scene. His burnished Persian bod is most definitely PG-rated, and at my age, totally achievable.



Gemma Arterton. Seems like they rounded up every thespian with a hook nose for this film.

2. Jerry Bruckheimer

One website dubbed legendary producer Jerry Bruckheimer as a saner version of Michael Bay. While good old Micky Bay can be relied upon to deliver bangs and explosions aplenty, Jerry B delivers good old fashion action and adventure topped with lots of CG. Think Armageddon, Pirates of the Caribbean, King Arthur, National Treasure. If it’s got crumbling temples, epic fight scenes and video game style chases, then Jerry probably produced it.

3. The game

The game was awesome, full stop. The music, the setting, the action - all of it! Prince of Persia The Two Thrones was the first game I managed to clock by myself (okay with some help), without losing interest half-way through. First they made a graphic novel of the game and now a movie and while it can be said that Hollywood makes films out of everything, this time it was the right thing to do.

4. The stunts

The first time Prince Dastan (Jake) runs up a wall, jumps across a roof and manages to capture a walled city all by himself I spilled my Coke in my neighbour's lap. The film features some of the most incredible stunt work (CGI?) I've ever seen, and yes I have seen Ninja Assassin (twice).

5. The Hashshashin

Think Nazgul crossed with the Sith crossed with dark wizards. These guys are mean, gross looking; speak to snakes and the toughest son's of bitches ever to cross your screen. They travel in their dust devils for god’s sake. Remember those mystical guys in 300 that threw the flaming grenades at the Spartans? That’s them. Needless to say, the fight scenes are awesome.

It’s close but its not the perfect film. My one issue with the movie (and I blame Disney entirely for this) is the token action movie one-liners and soft-core humour. Ostrich racing? C’mon.

And yes, Jake gets the girl in the end, but doesn’t he always?

Twilight Review by Sally Partridge

Sally Partridge is a popular South African writer of lewd teen fetish novels, which are not quite as explicit as those of Anne Rice. They aren't littered with that many adjectives and they don't take that long to get to the point. Her latest foray into this awkwardly popular genre, Fuse, will be released shortly despite the original publishing house burning down. Metal!

This is her guest post here on The Necro Files, because I am too busy procrastinating in the process of making the Herzbot facebook application right now to make any meaningful contribution to my blog.

Review

What do you get if you mix a lonely teenage emo starting out in a new school, a family of hungry vampires, a group of hungry nomad vampires and a horny werewolf?

The Twilight movie.

The film starts with Bella Swan (romantic, no?) saying goodbye to her old home, then pans dramatically over her new one and then pans some more. The cinematographer really wants you to take in how pretty Forks is, or else he might kick you in the pants.

Bella moves back to her childhood home, and immediately rouses the attention of the resident werewolf Jacob Black (whoops, did I just give that away?) and is given a rusty old truck to drive by her clueless father who looks like her older brother with a pasted-on moustache. (Is everyone in this movie beautiful?)

She starts school and is noticed by every male that falls within her eyeline, including the drop-dead gorgeous Edward Cullen, of the infamous Cullen family. (All adopted, all incestuous and all vampire)

In Biology, Edward takes one whiff of Bella and heads for the hills, leaving her thinking that she smells funny - she's half right.

He returns a week later and begins the he’s not that into you game that guys sometimes like to play, only to change his mind later on and declare his undying love and save her life, twice.

Bella discovers, through Google, that her wooer is a vampire, but doesn’t care because he’s just that hot.

• They date.


• They make out.


• They play baseball.

Then the movie starts to get interesting when a gang of renegade vampires come along and start trouble. When the hot blonde one, James, wants to eat Bella, the Cullen family have to hide her because obviously those six against one odds just ain’t worth the risk.

Bella falls for the oldest trick in the book, leaves her super-strong protectors behind and walks right into danger. Predictably, Edward saves her.

Bad guy gets snuffed. Edward and Bella have an emo moment where they swear never to leave each other. They go to the prom.

Jacob the werewolf doesn’t get any.

The end.

Director

Catherine Hardwicke.

Cast

Some teenage starlets I don't care about because they smell like teen spirit. Some of them include Kellan Lutz, Nikki Reed, Elizabeth Reaser, Robert Pattinson, Peter Facinelli, Ashley Greene and Jackson Rathbone.

Rating