28 February 2008

Deicide songs used to torture prisoners in Iraq?

Deicide posted this link to a torture playlist in a bulletin from their myspace page. I'm not sure how accurate it is, because the article offers no sources. So much for journalism ethics and standards.

The post claims their music is among that used by the American army to torture detainees. Some torture techniques applied to detainees in Iraq include:

  • sleep deprivation

  • prolonged capture shock

  • disorientation

  • interrogation


They could just put the poor detainees in a church. Then again, bible study is known to induce sleep. That defeats the sleep deprivation objective.

Rage Against the Machine's “Bulls on Parade” is allegedly used. Listening to Rage Against the Machine is enough to give me prolonged capture shock. Is it true that Chris Rock sings for them? Their music might convince Iraqis that they have valid reasons to fear an integrated secular society.

Deicide's track “Fuck your God” is listed in a bitter twist of irony. In this case, the sentiments of the Muslim detainees and those of Deicide are the same. While Scars of the Crucifix is not Deicide's best effort, any Deicide is probably enough to disorientate poor Muslims. I would rather play something from Legion or Stench of Redemption:



The “Homage for Satan” video, from Stench of Redemption

Metallica's “Enter Sandman” is also allegedly used. There are better Metallica albums to play for detainees. Like some of their metal albums. Anything up to and including ...and Justice For All would do. Then again, they are torturing people. Maybe they should play Load or show Some Kind of Monster? Pansy music is required during interrogation so you could hear what the detainees are saying.

If the Internet was not censored so much in Iraq, they could even use Internet evangelism, but now some TV evangelism would have to suffice to torture detainees. Or perhaps now that they utilise Deicide to torture detainees, they should get Bob Larson to deliver fire and brimstone sermons?

Bob Larson is my first choice, but perhaps he is busy writing another book. Make that guilt-tripping someone else into writing a book for him. In this case, I'm sure Jimmy Swaggart wouldn't mind to offer the services of his ministry. As long as you paid his going rate.

Some useful church evangelism tools


23 February 2008

Watch My Monster Cock

It Is True - I Have a Monster Cock


My monster cock is from a planet of giant cocks. This gigantic cock obtained illicit entry into South Africa through a backdoor.

I raised my monster cock, hiding him from the authorities, until my monster cock became too big to contain in my humble abode. A famous producer saw my monster cock. From that day on, my monster cock starred in his own movies.

You can imagine what kind of movies my monster cock likes making. Yes, you guessed it - creature features!

Cockzilla the king of the monster cocks
Cockzilla, a movie starring my monster cock. It lost a 'c' during translation.

My monster cock unleashed
My monster cock unleashed nearly as much damage as Godzilla unleashed.

The biggest monster cock facial
A monster cock facial. Even in Hollywood, they keep spelling his name wrong.

My monster cock likes facials. He says monster cock facials highlight his eyes.

Teaching My Monster Cock New Tricks


My monster cock is not only big, hard and useful for lifting heavy metal objects. I managed to train my cock to read and write. This means that my monster cock is always ready and willing to slip between the covers of a good book.

However, when it comes to working with a computer, my monster cock goes limp.

Don't let your monster cock play with your computer
Cockzilla tries to work at the console.

Monster cock tries to penetrate the privacy of Scarlett Johansson
Cockzilla discovered Scarlett Johansson. Well, he tried. Seems like my monster cock can't spell either.

While my monster cock is useful for lifting heavy metal objects, you came here lured by the promise of heavy metal bands and top class horror DVD reviews. Fear not, for my monster cock found this jam session by an up and coming death metal band from South Africa. They are called Bile of Man:

Bile of Man Jam Session




Brutal. You found some heavy metal after all!

Recommended Links


19 February 2008

Iron Maiden Live After Death DVD Review



What does a hot milf have to do with Iron Maiden? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I put in random hot milfs and text with hot hot porn saki saki hot sex midget sex alien lesbian tentacle sex milf sex milf hunt on my site to get hits.

Conclusion


No broken home should be without one.

Iron Maiden “Live After Death” DVD


The legendary “Live After Death” concert from 1984. It has the sickest cover in metal history. Looking at it is like someone casting my hand in the metal hand sign.



It was previously released on VHS. Surviving video cassette copies are as scarce as decent Metallica albums after Cliff Burton died. The Irons have never done it small, with the notable exception of a few tasteful Asian groupies perhaps.

If you ever woke up after a really rough night only to discover the foul stench of camel dung and the mesmerising panorama of the sun rising over the sphinx, you might experience a sense of deja-voodoo when you witness the stage décor.

You might also consider cutting down a little on the partying.

There are Eddies here colossal enough to take on all the Transformers. They are nearly robust enough to take on Andrea Dworkin and live to tell the tale.


Andrea Dworkin. Gladiators, are you ready?

Highlights



  • The epic mullet of Bruce Dickinson.

  • Iron Maiden's god-like spandex immunity.

  • In the Martin Birch produced stereo audio setting, you can get Dave Murray's guitar through the left speaker, and Adrian Smith's guitar through the right speaker. Multiple eargasms!

  • Kevin Shirley did a 5.1 Dobly Surround Sound Satan-O-Phonic mix, but I didn't bother because Kevin Shirley tried to turn Dream Theater into Marillion.

  • On the bonus disk (which has a shitload on it), a Polish gent tells Bruce that he wants to mek havee mettle with a synthesiser. Bruce responds with: “No. You can't play heavy metal with a synthesiser.” Well, you can't.

  • Scream for me Long Beach!

  • Did I mention the cover is awesome?

  • Unholy fuck it's an Iron Maiden DVD!! How much more convincing do you need? Infidel!


”Scream for me Long Beach!”

Rating


16 February 2008

Internet Dating of the Undead

Zombie Elaine


Hmmmmm brains.

Before




After




Her Narratives


Why should you get to know Zombie Elaine?
Like brains. Like brains lot.

She describes her ideal match thus:
Man with brains. Lot of brains!

Maybe this is not quite what Internet Dating Tips had in mind for their dating site photo editing competition. Next time I'd read the specs.

Review of Firefrost Arcanum by Vesania

Conclusion


A blackened-death metal bandwagon band that does a great job. Something of a Vader side-project with corpse paint, windmill head-banging and minor Roland keyboard abuse. It shall not make you guilty of metal hand sign abuse, nay nay.


'Marduke's Mazemerising', performed live.

Review


  • According to Wikipedia, this Polish super group shares the awkward blackened-death metal genre with Vital Remains. Genres mean very little to me, so I'll take Wikipedia's word for it.

  • Vesania has also been compared with Dimmu Borgir. Everyone from Nightwish to Opeth have been compared to Dimmu Borgir, so this comparison doesn't really mean much. If you like the live video of the band, chances are you would like this album. There are no big surprises, with the overall feel of the album being similar to Marduke's Mazemerising.

  • To me, Vesania comes across as a barbaric Emperor. Emperor has orchestrations integral to their big sound. Vesania has more primal riffs with keyboard parts added in the background to accentuate certain parts. Another exception is that there are no clean vocal parts.

  • Many metal bands proved themselves worthy when it comes to writing full scale orchestra productions, but few have the budget to realise this dream. Personal preference tends to appreciate a keyboard sample orchestra more than big budget film score conductions. It allows the unholy trinity of guitar, bass and drums to carry the brunt of the assault, while the keyboards add the fire and brimstone aroma. Horror film music does appeal to me, but not in the same way that a metal album does. The beans should not touch the rice, if you know what I mean.

  • Orion, who does vocals, also plays in Behemoth. While I am a big fan of Behemoth, I don't really like Nergal's vocals. I prefer Orion's death growl singing to that of Nergal.

  • Daray from Vader fame plays drums. Nothing wrong with that.

  • There is an interesting interplay between bombastic riffs and folk-inspired melodies. For instance, Algorfocus Nefas features a theme very similar to Anton La Vey's Battle Hymn of the Apocalypse. This "heaven and hell" juxtaposing always works for me.



Lerue Delashay's interpretation of 'Battle Hymn of the Apocalypse'.

Astute readers may note that I failed to deride religion in this post. This is not on purpose, and I apologise to regular readers. You could say I took a sabbatical from mocking religion. No pun intended.

Visit the official Vesania site for more information and a few downloads.

Track listing



  1. path 1. mystherion. crystaleyes

  2. path 2. introit algor

  3. path 3. nova persei

  4. path 4. algorfocus nefas

  5. path 5. marduke's mazemerising

  6. path 6. moonthrone. dawn broken

  7. path 7. introit focus

  8. path 8. daemoonion act II

  9. path 9. introit nefas

  10. path 10. dukedom black act I


Personell


Orion: guitars; voicals.
Daray: drums and percussion.
Heinrich: bass
Siegmar: keymaster
Annahvahr: guitars

Rating


14 February 2008

The First Hannibal Lecter Movie: Manhunter (1986) Review


Conclusion


A superb story where virtually no character development takes place. The characters refuse to budge, which adds to the tension. Well-crafted horror, if dated by the bee-hive hairstyles and the nylon shorts.

Plot


Retired profiler Will Graham is lured out of retirement from his deserted island paradise. It would take more than an appeal to my humanity to lure me from my paradise island. In fact, it would take more than two Valhalla-sized halls, one filled with classic guitars and the other filled with Valkyrie-like floozies, heaving bosoms and all. Appealing to my humanity is not very effective.

The profiler is hired to unravel the mystery of the tooth fairy. Named after his elaborate yet ineffective mating habits involving a full moon, shards of glass and bite marks, the tooth fairy is shy. So shy in fact that nobody can find him. The only known variable is the time the fairy is expected to strike – the next full moon. Graham should send Jehovah Witnesses after the fairy. They have a habit of finding people at inopportune places and at inopportune times.

In lieu of Jehovah Witnesses, Graham decides to outsource their effort by contacting Dr Hannibal Lecter. Graham cut his teeth by successfully bringing Lecter to justice, and Lecter cut his teeth on Graham's hide to return the favour. Lecter, however, shares my elusive humanity, if not my palette. He does share my sense of humour, so he sends the fairy to Graham's twice deserted paradise island. And the fairy is not after the fancy cocktails in hollow coconut shells.

Review



  • The first cinematic outing for everyone's favourite culinary delinquent is refreshingly insensitive to political correctness. Expect a few disabled victims. That is disabled before the fairy even found them.

  • No big name Hollywood stars are featured. While Ralph Fiennes, Anthony Hopkins and Julianne Moore arguably carried most of the subsequent films, all the stars of Manhunter get their screen time. This makes the film more convincing than most Hannibal Lecter films.

  • Hannibal Lecter is merely a plot device, with Will Graham being the main character. This angle makes it different from later films, which focus heavily on Hannibal Lecter's icy personality. Or personalities.

  • Clearly a product of the eighties, the dated fashions enhanced the believability of the story for me. When one considers the lack of IT resources, the teardrop shades and the Brakpan moustached stereotype cops hunching over transparency projections actually make sense.

  • Some fantastic in-your-face murder scenes are pulled off. If you were disappointed by the hype around Hannibal (which had little beyond incredible cinematography in my books), Manhunter might restore your appetite for Hannibal movies. I haven't seen Hannibal Rising yet, so I'll reserve judgement on that one.

  • I managed to get the special edition of the Manhunter DVD. It has a second disk with the director's cut. The first disk has all the extras, so don't despair if you can't find the special edition. Of course I recommend the director's cut!



Like my reviews? Please consider stumbling my blog:

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Director


Michael Mann

Cast


Joan Allen
Brian Cox
Dennis Farina
Kim Greist
William Petersen

Rating


06 February 2008

Dagon (2001) Review


Conclusion
A noble effort by Miskatonic University graduates. It features buckets of blood and everybody's favourite Cephalopoda: Cthulhu! The Great Old One even gets a sacrifice or two.

This film is clearly low budget, but whether that is a weakness or a strength depends on your perception. I feel necessity breeds invention. And sometimes a race of Merpeople.

Plot
Barbara and Paul are enjoying a cruise when their ship suddenly becomes shipwrecked. That's what you get for letting an IT professional navigate without google earth. They seek help in a nearby Spanish harbour. At first, the inhabitants seem friendly, but the tide soon turns.

The inhabitants are a tad more than eccentric. In fact, they are just plain creepy:
  • they have no electricity. No, this is not a South African port, but a fictional Spanish town called Imboca

  • there is a strange symbol everywhere

  • there are virtually no opposable thumbs in Imboca

  • no really, I am not kidding. There are virtually no opposable thumbs in Imboca

It turns out that Barbara was kidnapped instead of being helped. To what end? Well, that's where Cthulhu comes in.

Inhabitants of Imboca faithfully answer to the call of Cthulhu. If you aren't chanting "Ia! Ia! Cthulhu ftaghn!" by now, you might not enjoy this movie.

Review
  • Dagon is loosely based on the works of H.P. Lovecraft. In particular, the tales Dagon and The Shadow Over Innsmouth were used: Dagon for the name, and the latter for the plot. The infamous author is long since "dead but dreaming", which means you can find the complete works of H.P. Lovecraft for download, free.

  • There is some CGI, but it is not intrusive. More importantly, it is not tacky. You won't find actors playing imaginary dodge ball in front of a blue screen. It must be one of the few recorded incidents of tastefully used CGI.

  • There are several latex heads. Even latex hands. Expect even anatomically non-descript latex, but as far as I could tell there were no severed latex heads.

  • Expect even some fine breast implants on display.

  • A man features as the protagonist and a woman as an antagonist, or half a woman as an antagonist. Nevertheless, for the most part, Dagon abides by the 10 Commandments of Horror.

  • Produced by Brian Yuzna, who also directed Faust: Love Of the Damned. He is one of my favourite producers, because if you see his name on a credit roll, it means buckets of blood. Dagon is no exception. Let's just say your skin will crawl.

  • Dagon is Spanish actor Francisco Rabal's last film. The dynamic between him and Ezra Godden is great to watch, especially in the dialogue right before Rabal's character gets... no wait, that would be telling. Watch it!

  • It could always do with more ooze.

  • It could always do with more fine breast implants.

Dagon also teaches us morality. It suggests a perplexing philosophy, sometimes difficult to grasp, but for the layman it could be summarised in a few words:

What Would Cthulhu Do?

Director
Stuart Gordon

Cast
Ezra Godden
Macarena Gómez
Raquel Meroño
Jorge Luis Pérez
Francisco Rabal

Rating

Private property is theft, personal property is fine

That awkward moment when reality meets your ideology. Some anarcho-communist is having a fanny wobble because informal settlers got evicted ...